CoParenting

[KT1112]

Hi there,

wondered if anyone in a similar situation. i've had lots of 'advice' from friends and family not in my situation and i'm not looking for people to tell me I'm right if I'm not, just a bit of honest advice from people in the same situation would be so helpful.

My ex left in 2020 (mid first lockdown) he'd clearly been having an affair - now lives with her - although still wont admit it, says it happened after...although they were in a public relationship within days of separating (we'd been together 13 years, married for 6, 3 kids together and 1 from a prev relationship). We had no major savings, rent privately. he worked full time on a decent salary with a company car, i worked part time and managed the kids.

in the following few years, ive suffered heavily with depression, struggled financially, been evicted from our family home of 10 years when the landlord wanted to sell and now been forced to take a private rental at almost double the previous rental, to avoid homelessness and my dad died late last year. In a nutshell my life is sprialling downwards while his is going from strength to strength.

Due to their extra curricular activities ex has dd8 one day a week for 3 hours & dd13 & dd10 one day a week for five hours. meaning i never get time off from all of them at once.

no overnights ever, they haven't had more than six hours in one go with him since he left.

this is my choice (partly) - he lives with the mistress and i dont want them to have anything to do with her. i could possibly try and dress that up but its what it boils down to. i feel like they have totally ruined my life - they have no bought a house together (and a dog that the kids were always told no to when we lived together), have two brand new cars - while im struggling to make ends meet. I just cant lose my kids to her too. We knew her for a long time prior to this as she worked for my ex and she has had several married men and their children in her life (in fact it was a running joke) and i dont want mine to be part of that.

he picks them up and takes them for dinner/to wander round the shops/arcades and brings them home. i feel like my youngest especially would benefit from having somewhere permanent to visit with him, but I just cant accept her being part of it.

I know its not my choice and he has every legal right to take them there (although the fact that he never has suggests to me that he knows its not a great idea either). So I need some advice from anyone whos dealt with having their husbands mistress as part of their childrens lives. Tips/coping/acceptance ideas... or just a "we dont do it either and its fine"

I'm exhausted and need a break, even if its once a month but my heart just shatters any time i think about sending them there.

Sorry its so long and thanks for reading if you have.

What do you think is in your children’s best interests? This is what you need to focus on.

Hi OP, I had the same experience a few years before you did. It was a very traumatic breakup and the affair was always denied yet moved in together within days. At first I felt exactly the same as you and didn't want the OW to have any contact with DC, although this was more from the point of view that she was a stranger (exH also claimed to have only known for a short time) and the only thing I knew about her was that she was happy to involve herself with a man she knew had a wife and family so I didn't feel like she was a particularly nice person to have as an influence on my then very young DC.

However, after some months when it became clear that OW was here to stay, I had to accept that and put the needs of DC first, so discussed fully with exH the expectations and boundaries and slowly began transitioning from his visits to a few times a week to DC visiting at their new house then a proper arrangement including overnights which we've stuck with ever since.

Don't get me wrong this was HARD at first, I imagine it's bad enough handing over your precious babies to a potential new 'stepmum' type figure in any situation but I'd say this is definitely amplified when it is someone partially responsible for the breakdown of your family unit. But ultimately if the DC want to go and enjoy their time with their dad, providing there is no danger of harm and the relationship is seemingly stable so she isn't going to be one of a long line of short term girlfriends I think after this amount of time it is something to seriously think about.

The situation you're in at the moment may also be hindering your healing because as you're getting no time to process things and just be you again following your breakup. I found that having a routine that was sustainable going forward gave me time to myself and helped me adjust to my new normal. Now looking back I'm almost thankful to exH as I wouldn't want to be with someone who is capable of treating their wife like that and as long as DC are happy there and treated well, I also try and look positively at OW as an extra person in their lives to help take care of them.

I know all of this may not be what you wanted to hear, but honestly holding onto or acting from resentment is like swallowing poison then expecting it to affect someone else, you deserve to be happy xx

Thank you so much: this is actually exactly what I wanted to hear I think xxx

Lots to think about xx

I’m not sure 😔 I’m sure more time with their dad would be a bonus, the thing I’m not sure about is what benefit seeing her will bring.

I guess I feel like he’s picking her over them by not providing somewhere he can spend time with them alone. But that’s a me issue maybe x

It's perfectly normal to feel that way, you're only human! x

Thank you! Xx

Have you forbidden him from taking them back to his house? Or said you can't take them back there if X is going to be around?

She has been in his life for three years at this point, they live together and have a dog, it doesn't seem like a temporary arrangement. Saying I don't want X to be like a mother figure, involved in their care, would be one thing. But seemingly your children must never ever meet her - what if they get married and are together for 20 years?

One of your kids is a 13 year old, and I'd say at point old enough to start making their own decisions about if they want to visit their dad at home even if X is around.

If your ex and her have another baby, will your kids be allowed to meet their half-sibling? Because you can't dictate that they can only meet their half-sibling but the baby's mother can't be present as well.

So when he first left, he disappeared for about six weeks - no contact whatsoever. When he came back into the picture and wanted to see the girls, I said she’s to have nothing to do with them. He said fine and it’s never been discussed since. So it’s just sort of gone unspoken since then.

Even when we went through meditation, he didn’t ask for any overnight time. If they were to go there it would be me asking for it because I want l/need a break. I genuinely don’t believe a relationship with her will enhance their wellbeing at all, although I’m not necessarily suggesting it would be harmful. My only concern is that they know who she is and how I feel about her, so I think they’d feel trapped in the middle (agree that’s my fault, but not sure I could have it in me to have anything positive to say about her, although could definitely just about manage to not say anything negative). I think I’d just have to pretend she didn’t exist in order to cope.

I know it might sound mad if you’ve not been in this situation and it’s easy to think “just put the kids first” but the reality is I am a human (now a very damaged one) with thoughts and feelings and can only be honest with myself about what I am capable of managing.

There wouldn’t be any chance of more children thankfully, so not something to worry about there.

x