Child scared baby, feel really upset by it

[hormoana]

My nearly four year old has been a star since becoming a big brother, he's not really been jealous or anything he's been so loving and adapted so well and I think I let my guard down, I've not worried about him being around baby and I'm just so upset what happened earlier

Baby had fallen asleep with me in the lounge so I'd put him down in his Moses basket and had walked into the kitchen and was starting dinner. My older child was in the garden playing with his dad and started kicking off about something, no idea what, could hear him screaming at the top of his voice, crying, shouting, throwing things. Then next thing I heard baby scream, wasn't their normal cry I sprinted in and my eldest was stood over the Moses basket holding his muddy shoe on to his face and pushing it down. It left a foot print on his face

It's really thrown me. He was told off, apologised, had a good cry and told me he was very tired. But I can't seem to move past it. It's just such a horrible thing to do to a tiny baby, he's only 12 weeks old. He must of been terrified waking up to that. I feel horrible for him and I feel really just shook that my son would do that to him. It was totally unrelated to the tantrum and he wasn't even in the room so I just don't get why he would do such a thing. I'm not going to let baby out of my sight now but I'm really just upset that it happened. I don't really know what to do?

I don't even know what I'm asking really I just feel really awful about it. I keep looking at my baby and wanting to cry thinking of them waking up to that and being scared

Ah try not to dwell too much on this op, at least you put a stop to it. I had a distant relative who when was about the same age, climbed into the baby sisters cot and bit them a few times before the parent came in. I would say you will have to have eyes in the back of your head now though to ensure there is no repeat ha ha!!!

Your baby will have forgotten about it by now, not ideal but try not get too worked up about it

Ds is 4, he's a lot to learn but try not let it get to you too much. A good chat about being careful and that you can't do that to baby is needed.
I probably wouldn't have left kids out my sight in this scenario, especially with the 12 week old though.

My oldest was nearly 3 when he slapped his brother on the head. No harm done, just don’t leave them alone together.

Please don't panic. Tiny baby won't understand anything awful happened- just that he woke up to a funny unpleasant new feeling. Don't worry about him.

Your 4yr old is the one that really needs the attention and support. Worry about him. You need to give him lots of TLC and avoid him getting overtired.

This kind of thing can happen and will probably happen again. Now you know that when he's overwrought he may take it out on the baby, so you need to avoid the overwhelm and keep an eye on him when overwhelm inevitably happens again.

I used to walk around the house securing doors and breakables when DS was this age, as I could feel he was brewing for an explosion! You'll get the hang of it.

She didn’t the older one was with his dad.

It won't have caused any long term damage to the baby. He was probably startled/upset at being woken up more than scared tbh.

Lesson learnt on not leaving the baby alone with a three year old. Be very, very thankful that it was learnt like this, absolutely no long term damage done.

There's nothing more to do now. You've spoken to the three old. Leave it at that. Don't let it become something that garners a huge amount of attention otherwise next time he needs some attention he knows just what to do.

Going forward make sure the three year old is getting enough time etc. He's obviously not adapted quite as well as you thought and that's fine. If you think about what a massive, unsettling change it's been for him it would be weird if he didn't feel a little upset/pushed out/jealous/overwhelmed/worried etc. His feelings are valid (the way he expressed them is not).

Oh OP, that must have given you a real fright. I agree with PPs that it sounds like he's not adjusting as well as you thought. But that's natural: sibling jealousy is completely normal, though of course his behaviour was unacceptable.

100% this

It happens. He is only 4.
However, you need better understanding between you and DH about adult supervision of 4 year old and safe places to leave baby if the adult supervising 4 year old is not reliable and/or does not know that baby is alone in an accessible place.
My 7 year old came in from the garden and sat down on top of his baby sister (he didn't notice her) I had briefly left her on the sofa in the same room as me while I was standing about 4 feet away switching the kettle on.
These things happen so fast.

How upsetting, OP, I really feel for you. My DD was 3.5 when my DS was born and she acted out in similar ways. It was like she felt angry with me for having another baby, but couldn’t express it properly so would be sweet to me but really quite aggressive with the baby. Lots of cuddles that escalated quickly to being very tight, pushing him over once he could sit up, trying to lay on him, etc. on a few occasions during tantrums she would actively seek him out to scream in his face or yank his leg. It’s eased up a little over time but the big rule in our house is that they are absolutely never left on their own. It’s shocking when it happens and I felt very sad that my DD wasn’t being kind, but quality time together helped a lot. We also praise the good interactions but it is very very hard to not give the negative interactions big reactions. It’s tough. Good luck, I hope it’s just a one off.

@RoseBucket well he wasn't with dad the whole time though was he, otherwise this wouldn't have happened.

NOT HELPFUL PP

Oh love, kids are mental, irrational little beings that do things without reason and without knowing why.

He was upset, he acted out. He won't know why but I'm sure that he scared himself as well as you.

Give them both a beg cuddle and give yourself a break.

Big

My eldest did similar to his newborn brother at age 3- in the moment I thought the baby may have died. Horrific at the time but neither (obviously) remember and have been very close siblings in the years since and lovely with each other. I just made sure I never left them alone together and gave DS1 more attention as I'm sure he just felt insecure about with all the new baby attention. Please don't worry!

I left my 3 year old in a room with my baby in a bouncer for no more than literally 10 seconds and in that time my eldest had put a whole grape into the baby's mouth who was gagging on it. Obviously I never left them alone unattended again. You only make these mistakes once!

You're looking at this through the lens of if an adult had done that to your baby, and yes if an adult had done that it would be nasty and spiteful and abusive. But your oldest child isn't an adult, he's only tiny himself and even in his tantrum addled little brain he actually still didn't hurt your baby, he didn't hit or lash out at the baby. I think you have a little boy who cares about his sibling very much but is a bit unsettled about this big life change (as I'm sure you all are) and these things turn into BIG things when they get tired and emotional.

My Dad pushed his baby brother's Moses basket out of the lounge window when he was 4... with the baby in it... my Dad is the kindest man you could meet - your son will be fine OP.

My gran told me that when she brought my mum home from the hospital, her DC1 who was 3 tried to smother her with a cushion 😬 DD had the most horrendous mood swings when I brought DS home a couple of months ago, she tried kicking his car seat a few times and deliberately rocked him too hard in his bouncer, threw things in his direction and so on.

It’s alarming to see your precious lovely child doing something to harm your other precious lovely child 😭 but remember how little he is, and what a big change a new sibling is.

That must've been such a shock for you!
It sounds like DS has learned his lesson.
Do you have a baby carrier so you can baby wear whilst doing household chores/cooking dinner? That way baby doesn't leave your sight.

When I brought DD2 home from the hospital and introduced her to DD1, all was fine until baby cried and DD1 panicked and smacked her 🤦‍♀️ these things happen. It's such a big life change and they have big emotions and no real tools to deal with them.

Congratulations on your baby xxx