Please help me get rid of mum guilt about extra curricular activities

[TellHimDirectlyInDetail]

I have two boys. One 7 years old the other still in nursery. The 7 year old does swimming and rugby. He really enjoys swimming and hopefully one day we can help him persue that a bit more if there's a swimming team to join. Rugby is not competitive at all and he just enjoys it because his friends are there. He's not very coordinated and has slow reflexes.

I'd like him to go to Cubs aswell but he doesn't really want to. I know this is because he struggles to start things. But I don't have the energy to persuade/encourage him to try it out. I know other kids his age who do 4 extra curricular activities which is just out of the question for him and for us as a family.

Once the youngest goes to school and wants to do extra activities it will be even trickier to fit everything in.

I feel this pressure to match how many activities his friends are doing which is quite silly.

Any advise or suggestions welcome.

My ds has only done swimming. He is in wraparound care for 4 evenings a week until 5:15pm so lots of clubs we can't do as we can't make them at the times they are on. He's is fine. Has a nice group of friends. Doing well at school. I didn't do any at all.

I'm not 100% sure what it is you're asking. He does 2 things and you feel guilty becuase his friends do more things? But he doesn't want to do more things?

In which case, surely you just remind yourself that you are doing what works for your DS - he is active, learning an important life skill (swimming) and enjoying learning and playing a team sport with his friends (rugby). Surely that's enough? I think some extracurricular is important for skill development of both hard and soft skills, but if your kid doesn't want to do 50 things, they don't have to.

I mean, there might well be parents who are doing millions of activities but that works for them for whatever reason. eg, DD has always done a lot of activities (more than DS) becuase a) she really enjoys them and b) she's the kind of child who likes organised activities but will sit on her butt watching her iPad or colouring if she's at home. DS is more independent, will happily play in the garden or work on something so he's picked fewer activities.

if you have friends/acquaintances who look down on you because you're doing what works for you and your family, they're probably not people you want to be friends with anyway.

What are you asking/ feeling guilty about . He does 2 things already adding a 3rd might be to much for him or do you want him to go to cubs so he can progress through scouting ?

Why do you feel he has to do more?

By all means encourage him to give Cubs a go if you think he’ll genuinely enjoy it. But if it’s just for the sake of an arbitrary extra number on the chalkboard of activities … give yourself (and him) a break!

You could move to a school where most children do no activities after school?

OK that wasn't a serious suggestion, but perhaps you need a step back - your child is doing a couple of things that he enjoys and he doesn't want to start anything else. 7 is still very young - he has plenty of years to pick up other things if he changes his mind (even if it's just because his friends do them) or actually to decide he's happy just playing in the park and not doing structured activities.

It doesn't matter what everyone else does, do what works for you.

Does it really matter what the other parents think ?

You should only feel guilty if you feel that your DS would benefit from cubs but you can't be bothered to send him or don't want the effort of getting him to do it if he's resistant. If you're only thinking about sending him to cubs because other families go... well, that's a terrible reason to make a child do anything!

Do you really think it's the right thing for all children to do an activity after school nearly every day of the week?

@ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse depends on the child. I have one dc who does at least one activity every day. She needs to be active, volunteers for everything and competes at quite a high level.
My other dc likes to do as little as possible and needs encouragement to do anything that isn't related to his special interest!

@TellHimDirectlyInDetail What works for one child wont work for another. Try not to worry about what other parents/children are doing and focus on what works best for your dc. What I do with dc2 is if there's something he'd really enjoy, I really encourage him to go to a taster but make sure he knows that if he doesn't enjoy it he doesn't have to go back.

@chillibear - that's why I said for all children. I know there are some for whom being busy is a necessity but this definitely does not apply to the majority.

@ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse sorry I was agreeing with you, should have made it more clear.

"activity" doesn't necessarily mean a club though.

Is going to football club "better" than playing football in the park with your friends?

Is going to cookery club "better" than simply cooking at home?

Clubs provide a way for children to do activities, either that they wouldn't otherwise have a chance to do, or ones that can't really be organised at an individual household level. Some of this can be reproduced outside of the club quite easily. And many children (and parents) prefer the less scheduled approach.

My three only do cubs. They all love it, and it is awesomely amazing at everything it offers them. I have friends who have up to 5 activites in the week for their kids and they are forever saying how they have to rush to such and such a club etc, it all seems way too stressful, let alone expensive. We did try ds on a sport he enjoys but the distances required to travel to games was insane (2-4 hours away every week for away matches etc), and it was just too exhausting.

This is a really great way to put it.

Two is plenty and it doesn't sound like he actually wants to do more than that anyway.

This is crazy. He does a perfectly normal amount. Too many will stretch him thin and use meaning. He also needs time at home to rest after school and, you know, play!

Lose meaning

I really don't understand why parents think their children HAVE to be doing activities after school or weekends. My eldest child is 5 and doesn't do any activities. Not because I can't be bothered but simply because he's not asked to do anything as of yet; the second he does I'll absolutely sign him up (the exception being swimming as its a life skill in which he's on a waiting list for) . After a day in school he wants to come home, chill, play, see his siblings and eat some food. I absolutely don't blame him. I wouldn't want to be dragged here, there and everywhere. They've got their whole lives to do activities.

Kids don't have to do any clubs! What's the point of wanting him to do more, when he doesn't?

I have 3 kids.

DC1 - marital art
DC2 - martial art & swimming
DC3 - swimming

They do what they enjoy!

I teach kids who do activities every day, some days multiple activities and they are never quite able to give their all to each activity. Lack of time, tiredness, no practice at home time as always out doing something else.

Nowt wrong with having relaxing evenings and weekends..

Also not sure what you are feeling guilty about.

2 activities a week is fine. If your younger also wants to do two activities but different ones or at different times (eg different level in swimming) then that will be challenging.

Kids who do more activities presumably have one or more of the following:
parents with more money, parents with more flexible jobs, no siblings, more desire to do the activities, parents with fewer hobbies / other commitments of their own.

Have you considered whether he might be happier doing something productive at home like piano, violin, guitar, drums kind of thing? If he isn’t coordinated and not really sociable, why not find something else for him to be good at? Or chess?

Not all boys are sporty and sociable. Some are quieter types.
If he isn’t coordinated, play catch and football at home first 1 to 1, he would likely progress faster that way.