Expecting DC 2 but DH “traumatised” about DC1

[Calmondeck]

Our first DC was very wanted, typical excitement for next stage of life/becoming parents etc. However, the 23 months since this little guy entered our lives have been brutal. Extremely broken sleep, still, and ongoing treatment for a life threatening condition, intense treatment anticipated for next 2 years, then hopefully reduces when he’s 4. Although we’re remaining so positive, our energy - physical and emotional - is incredibly depleted. We are expecting baby 2 in 8 weeks and we’re almost avoiding talking about it. We found out I was pregnant the same week as DC1 received the diagnosis.

I guess I’d just love advice from parents of more than 1 DC - was there anything that made the transition easier? Are there things I can set up over the next 8 weeks that will help us all? Did anyone consider lying their baby on their tummy to sleep?

That sounds incredibly tough about DS1. Are either you or DH in counselling? I've had a very traumatic time with DS2 (born at 27 weeks, long NICU stay, ongoing condition) and the counseling has been very beneficial in just making me on more of an even keel. I mainly see the benefit for DS1 now I'm less overwhelmed by everything and I'm engaging with him more, but I'm sure it benefits all my relationships!

We hired a cleaner and that's been great. DP gets more stressed about mess than I do, and now that that's being outsourced all that stress has gone.

Fill up your freezer with easy to heat / easy to eat food.

DS2 is at a higher risk of SIDs because of his birth so we would never put him on his front. He has an owlet oxygen monitor which provides a lot of reassurance for us (he has a lung condition). I personally wouldn't trust it enough to ignore safe sleep guidelines, but I know someone that uses it that way.

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant with DC 2 and am experiencing none of the excitement I had with DC1 either… more a sense of dread that we’ve chosen to make our lives harder!

I do want 2 children, but the idea of having a baby and a toddler is quite stressful. DS 1 had horrendous reflux and colic, didn’t sleep and would scream for hours, so it was very difficult the first time round.

No I wouldn’t put a young baby on its front to sleep. The cot death numbers reduced significantly after the sleeping on back guidance was issued so I wouldn’t risk it. Also I personally wouldn’t be able to sleep myself because I’d be wanting to constantly check on the baby, so they’re wouldn’t be any point anyway for me.

I'm afraid my experience was hardly comparable to yours, except for the fact that DC1 was pretty difficult. As a baby it was really difficult to put him down to sleep, he just wanted to be held, he didn't really sleep much during the day and I had to carry him around while I did everything, and he wouldn't take bottles at all so everything was down to me. For what it's worth, DC2 was easier, partly because we were more experienced, and also I think because neither we nor she had a choice - she just had to fit in, and she did.

I would never put a child on their stomach to sleep, and for what it's worth I really don't think it helps anyway.

Hey I had twins first and although healthy it was still difficult with sleep and just twin struggles when DD3 was born. Things that helped us were:

Cosleeping just letting her bfeed whenever she wanted in the night so she didn't cry and wake up hubby. Then he would get up early with her and give her a bottle so I could sleep.

Cook ready meals and my church bought us hot meals the first two weeks my husband went back to work it was amazzzzzinv

Wearing her in a carrier a lot (we had a baby bjorn mini I could never deal with the faff of slings!)

A baby chair or something so I had a station to put her in when I needed to

She wore only vests and baby grows for the first three months I cba with faffy outfits

Just generally being more chill about parenting than I was as a new mum. Ignore the haters and feed how you want, dress how you want, go with the flow a bit more etc etc.

Also... she was and still is a very easy going kid so hopefully you get that too xx

Sounds really tough, OP.

Ask for help! It's hard to do, but people do want to help. Remember that everyone that is a mum, no matter how long ago, knows how tough newborn days can be. Let people help you.

Make food as easy as possible. Summer is coming up, so lots of picnic food/sandwhiches. No cooking and minimal cleaning up after toddler. Buy pre-chopped frozen veg.

Get a sling/carrier you are comfortable with.

Sleep when you can! It's so much more important when juggling two. If it's a choice between housework and a nap, have a nap. Your toddler won't suffer from a few toys around the place and your baby won't won't moving for a while.

Please don't ignore safe sleeping advice! It's there for very good reasons. If you're looking for a way to make sleep easier, try a dummy. I didnt even consider it for my eldest, but it was a godsend trying to settle my twins. Once they had been fed I could stick them in the pram and they'd nod straight off while I got DD ready for school. DD would never have nodded off until the pram started moving. Dummy made a big difference to our mornings.

Is the extremely broken sleep related to the medical situation? Just wondering whether that's likely to improve soon.

I’m just on the other side of this - DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 3 weeks.

DD2’s birth wasn’t straightforward (I was in hospital for over a week before she was born), but so far having two has been so much easier than I imagined. I feel a lot more confident than I did first time around, and I’m happier to (for instance) leave her chuntering in her Moses basket while I sort dinner or play with the big one.

There’s no way I’d put a small baby on their front to sleep though! That’s a seriously bad idea.

Expect the worst and hope for the best has always been my motto.

That way if it's really shit you won't be disappointed and if it's not it will be a pleasant surprise.

Also, enlist help where you can. If you can afford to outsource Nanny/Cleaner/Ironing then do it.

If you have friends relatives offering help (or even just dropping a shepherd's pie round) accept it! And obviously, return the gesture when you can.

Let your standards drop.. shower a bit less often, Hoover less often, clean the stuff you need to clean but no more, etc.

Don't feel bad about not eating properly. Don't feel bad about not being the perfect mum that has everything under control. Don't feel bad about having fish fingers for dinner!

Try and get outside a bit each day just for a walk around the block. Whether on your own or as a family. Prioritise fresh air over other things.

Try to take turns with your husband to get decent blocks of sleep.