Everything 10x worse after sleep training

[babylon88]

There's a lot of back story as to how and why I naively went with the sleep training approach that I don't really want to go into, but I did and now we're here even though I wish we weren't.

Basically my 13m DD now wakes every 30 minutes or so for the first half of the night, literally screaming and it takes 10 minutes or so to calm her down. The rest of the night it's more like every hour although usually only takes a few minutes. It used to be 4-5 times in a whole night and I could just feed back to sleep. She also now fights sleep and the whole hour before bed is just crying (and if I use the words "bedtime" or "sleep" she also starts crying).

Sleep training obviously works for some, not for others. It wasn't for us but now I have no idea how to repair what's happened. Not even co-sleeping works, she still suddenly wakes up in hysterics.

If anyone has any advice on what to do now (if you don't and just want to tell me that we shouldn't have done it, I really don't need telling thank you), I'm desperate to hear.

When you say sleep training, what do you mean?

I ask because I tried gentle sleep and chair removal and ended up in this position.

I then at breaking point tried Ferber. Which is not For everyone, but by goodness she was screaming either way. Strangely it worked.

It was Ferber/CC.

Bumping before tonight starts.

If your dd is waking up screaming, then this would suggest pain of some type. Id investigate that first - tummy pain or teething pain? or some other type of pain to be making a baby scream?

Appreciate the suggestion but this began alongside the sleep training attempt and happens every single night. No similar displays of pain when awake and no improvement after teething relief. It's been going on for weeks too.

This probably won't be much help but I tried to sleep train many years ago with my eldest because I thought it's what I "should" do and it quite literally traumatised him. I think they just learn that you aren't coming, or know they are going to be put down to cry etc.

How long has it been since you stopped?

I'm not sure if there is a magic solution but I think you might just need to keep co-sleeping and ride it out until she learns that what happened with the sleep training won't happen again... she will be in a fear of sorts that it will happen and won't be fully trusting right now.

I think sleep training just doesn't work for some and co-sleeping in my experience was the lesser of two evils.

I hope you get some more helpful responses (and a better nights sleep!)

Full disclosure it’s at least a decade since I’ve been in this position so this advice might be totally mince.

have you tried the opposite of sleep training, just letting them pootle about until they drop. It’s killer cause you don’t get a break, and then you have to carry the dead weight to bed but it sort of takes the stress out of it. Handy that it’s getting warmer so you can change them into something soft and comfortable but not pyjamas at tea time and then there’s no “bedtime” to kick up a fuss about. They’ll be shattered for sure, and might still wake but we did it at various stages to reset. We also had one that would go to sleep when the light went off no matter what else was happening so I also kinda believe there’s no rhyme nor reason to it.

Sleep training activates anxiety in children. It can be terrifying.
The way forwards is to be extra reassuring and comforting. I was going to suggest co-sleeping, but you're doing that anyway. Singing and rocking are good.
Try to reduce other sources of stress in her day, so that her cortisol levels are low and she doesn't get into a fearful state.
She has been through a trauma. She will need some time to overcome it and feel safe to sleep again, but she will get there.

You mention before that you would just feed back to sleep, were you bottle feeding or breastfeeding back to sleep?

If breastfeeding, I would suggest going back to that if you want to and think it may help.

If bottle feeding, I can understand why you might not want to go back to bottles after 1 year but maybe re-create the cuddle you used to have while feeding?

Just lots and lots of reassurance and support at bedtime and throughout the night. Lots of connection and playing together during the day too.

As pp said, bedtime will be a lot easy if she is really tired. Now that the weather is a bit nicer, have lots of outdoor time and exercise in the day. This always makes bedtime smoother for us.

I’m sorry your family is experiencing this, it sounds really tough but you will get back to where you were 💕

I’m so sorry. While cosleeping isn’t stopping her waking and getting upset it’s providing the comfort and reassurance she needs so I’d carry on with that if you want to. Sending sympathy and love.

Is there a reason why you don't want to feed to sleep?

Personally, I found it easier to stick with that till they were older e.g. once they were naturally just having a quick comfort suckle rather than actually feeding. It's very easy to night wean an older child. But if that's not something you'd consider, fair enough.

This ^^

I'd try not mentioning sleep and bedtime for a bit.
Say 'let's go get cosy. Put on our cosy clothes. Snuggle up with a book and a bedtime banana' (we had these as supposedly bananas help promote sleep but I think the peel is the best but for that.
And that and specific music was like our sleepy time cue.'

Get into a gentle snuggling up routine in bed together and cosleep.

It's hard when you've got actual life going on around you but I'd just try and take all the pressure off.

Rub her back. Do lots of yawning - they're contagious. Turn the lights low and just cuddle/ hang out, just don't mention sleep.

Sending you sympathy, I'm so sorry OP. I think a previous poster's suggestion of letting bedtime happen organically for a while sounds good. It can't be worse than what's happening now. Really hope things improve soon xxx

How long did you try to sleep train for? The Ferber method can be "up to 4 weeks" Frankly it took 2 nights to train my DS2, and we didn't look back. But I wonder if you stopped too soon?

Hysterical crying could be something different, like colic...There is an alternate thought though; that you have managed to train her so that when she cries hysterically, she gets cuddled and soothed. You may, if you didn't follow the "method" correctly, or for long enough, have just reinforced the behaviours you were trying to eliminate.

I agree @weightymatters73

It's hard without more details

When you say ten minutes to settle do you mean by following the minute timetable.

Or do you mean after a short period of trying it.

For me, with the child in question, it was beyond critical and both of us were unwell with lack of sleep.

I also spent a great deal of time focusing on the cry. And with her there is a huge difference between cross over tired and distress.

Now she sleeps, no contest.

However, I absolutely am about every child.

Very often I have three in with me, but that's what they need now.

The difference is they all sleep, they do not wake every ten minutes like she used to.

I just want to add, it is very very hard for Mums particularly as we are wired to "respond" to crying...it's a biological thing.

I was shocked when I did it how slow time moved! Someone had warned me in advance (probably on here) that I would need a stopwatch to do it properly, but my goodness it was hard not to go in to him "immediately".

You first need to check there is no "other reason" (like colic), I think 1 is too young for night terrors, so you can exclude that. If all that fine, then you will unfortunately have trained her into hysterical crying=mum and that is harder to sort out....

This is all lies. There is not one single scientific study that supports this. They have literally done studies on exactly this and found there was no increase in cortisol levels, before and after sleep training, which means the babies were absolutely fine. Do not make up lies to support your feelings. You, personally, don't like sleep training. That doesn't make it bad.