"emotional resilience" - anyone got any ideas on how we teach our children this?

[sanae]

Something I've been thinking quite a bit about recently. I feel that my parents gave me a wonderful start in many ways, but never really prepared me for dealing with the emotional knocks of life. Although I've never really suffered from clinical depression, I feel that with 3 kids, husband, good job and no major financial worries I should be happier with my life. Also we've had a not completely successful move of area 18 months ago and I feel I should have dealt with it better - I am still upset about what I have lost rather than being able to focus on our new opportunities. To some extent DH is the same.

Anyway, I am trying not to pass on my negative ways to my children (DS 10Y, DDs 9 and 6Y, but I don't always feel that successful. 9Y DD in particular reminds me of myself as a child - academically able but low tolerance of fustration and not very comfortable with physical affection, though seems fine at school.

I know there has been a lot of research recently on emotional resilience and happiness but don't really how this can be translated into how we bring our our kids. I do tell them they are loved daily if not several times a day, and give lots of cuddles, kisses etc , but I don't feel it's quite enough. Anyone got any ideas to help me?

Sorry if this is a bit unfocussed -it's 5.20am - I am going to bed now but would love to hear your replies tomorrow.

I think the only way to teach children emotional resiliance to have open communication and allow everybody to feel and express negative emotions and explore ways of dealing with these. Your children especially your sensitive dd may have picked up how you feel about leaving your old home and may well have similar feelings. Perhaps tell them how you are feeling and explore ways of making the new situation work for everybody as a family. I hope you get a good sleep and that others may be able to give you better advice

Let's first distinguish between happiness and resilience.

Happiness is a really difficult one.
There is a whole industry dedicated to helping us achieve a permanent state of happiness
because if we are not happy then there must be something wrong with us.
I am not so sure.
Can we not accept that some people tend to be mostly anxious or grumpy or cynical
or 'glass-is-half-empty'? And that there is nothing wrong with them,
that's just the way they are?

sanae, is there something important materially or emotionally missing from your life?
If not, then maybe you are just one of life's worriers?
Though at 20 past 5 in the morning I think most of us tend to be a bit gloomy!!

DH is very rational and phlegmatic, I am the frustrated/angry one.
DC seems to veer between the two.
People are born with levels of coping/emotional resilience and emotional intelligence.
I think EI can be enhanced but you can't put in what God left out.
Having an underlying philosophy always helps (they do these studies and find people with faith are happier?!)to cope with things. I like Buddhism's philiosophy that suffering is part of life, but suffering always ends. There are several good books on emotional intelligence which talk about enhancing it, check out Amazon. When DD is frustrated I sympathise and let her know everyone feels like that sometimes.
We often play board games so she can learn she cannot always win or have her own way, at first she threw real tantrums but now, if she is behind she says "it doesn't matter, there's still time to catch up" and does not throw a fit.
DH has theory that he is not emotionally thrown by negative situations because he had a difficult upbringing being very poor and he got picked on a lot in school as he was small and he rode through it. I argue that he was born more able to cope as some children are destroyed by bullying.
We are both believers in martial arts as it builds body and personality confidence and it does NOT make you agressive, in fact the emotional and physical concentration made me one hell of a lot calmer!
Children also definitely learn by example so how you behave will rub off on them.
I was very down for a long time but got out of it via exercise, reading philosophy books (I found therapy useless) especially "the Tibetan book of living and dying".
Back to DH theory of being exposed to all sorts of situations, he could be partially right. DD is frightened when TV charcters shout at each other, she copes with agressive/tense situations badly but then she is an only child with parents who never argue and rarely shout, her nursery is also very nurturing so she is very sensitive. DH wants her to go to a school with a good social mix so she experiences/observes things outside her normal domestic sphere and learns to cope. He is NOT advocating deliberately putting her in harms way. For instance she was attacked by a dog while we were out one day, he went mad. DH going mad frightened DC more than the dog, then 2 weeks later SIL bloody badly behaved untrained dog knocked DD over. Result: total hysterical fear of dogs. DH worked hard over a long period to take DD to situations with well behaved dogs and rebuild her confidence, she will now stroke her dance teacher's dog "because it is on a lead and a good dog". I suppose that is "teaching" emotional maturity/reliance?
Sorry for long post but I worry about this one too!

I do not think it is genetic in any way, I think it is all nurture.

two quick points:

1. firstly let up on yourself about not 'coping' with the move 'well' - being negative against yourself is the bad thing here. Yes, look for new opportunities to grow in your new area but also allow yourself to grieve for what you have lost and share that with the children - let them know that things in life are not set in stone, people make mistakes, people learn gradually to roll with things, its an ongoing process

1. when they make mistakes, break things do not try to jolly or bully them out of it but instead focus on the loss/the anger, allow it all to be expressed. Not likingintimacy or affection is usually about deep down not thinking your 'good enough' - that is the part that has to be encouraged, not being perfect but 'good enough'. Praise for being all of who they are is very important.

sorry I can't hang around to say more, 'tis a favourite topic

Interesting point Miggsie about the social mix of schools and learning to cope with different types of people. We have moved from an excellent and socially very uniform school to one with a very varied social mix, soem much "rougher" and behaviourally challenging kids are there. I used to worry that the kids had almost too nice an upbringing and might have trouble when they reached secondary school or the big wide world (you are right DaddyJ, I obviously am a worrier) but that won't be a problem now! I have wondered whether this might help them adapt more easily in future. I had such a "nice" stabl, but a bit boring life as a child, but i found it difficult to cope when I went to University.
Laurie, I will try your approach, I do tend to try to get her out of her bad moods rather than let them happen.
I don't think I will ever change myself now, but I would like my kids not to be held back by emotions in the way I sometimes have. I accept negative emotions are part of life , also obviously there is both nature and nurture involved in temperament, but I would like to be able to help DCs manage their emotional life better than I have done.