Single Dad after advice

[BenThomas1990]

Hi.
I have had a tricky relationship with my sons mother to say the least. We split 1 year after getting married/having our son due to her having an affair and subsequently falling pregnant with the other mans child.

At first, she refused me access to our son, but when her new baby was born seemed to lose interest in our son and focuses most of her energy on her daughter.

Cut a long story short, he now lives with Me Monday-Friday. She collects him from school on a Friday and I collect him from her mums on a Sunday (He spends Friday night at his mums and Saturday with his Nan). I have recently bought up the issue of the maintenance I still pay her (£200 a month) as I have not wanted to 'rock the boat.' Which turned into her calling me every name under the sun, and without this she wont be able to afford her rent etc.... I just think the fact I have been having him 5 days per week, for the past 2 years should not require me to pay her any sum? (For the record, I would not seek money from her). She also claims UC for childcare for 2 children and gets the government support monthly.

I am taking him away for 2 weeks to see family in California and have told her I wont be sending her any money next month and will instead give him the money as spending money. Again, I have had to endure being called some horrible things.

With the current arrangement being in writing through multiple messages etc.. and me being the main contact at his school (of which I would like to change, as he is placed minutes from her home but it is an hour long round trip for me), should I finally consider going through the courts as I just can not seem to communicate with her reasonably?

I would also like to add, he is in 3 after school clubs each week, football twice and swimming once, all of which I pay for.

If it isn't possible to come to some sort of agreement with her, due to her lash outs then I think yes, court would be the way to go and have some steady set up in place. It would be far nicer for your son and both you and his mother to come to an agreement without involving courts but it doesn't seem like that will happen unfortunately.

I would still stay his main point of contact for the school. It seems like she isn't that invested in her son which breaks my heart for him and I can't understand how mothers become this way. I find it hard to get my head around as a mother of 3 young children and the bond I have with my first born son is something that I could never put in to words. It's so unfortunate for him.

All I will say is thank god for you and that he has a Dad that wants him and will provide him with a quality of life. I don't agree at all that you should be paying her any sort of maintenance if you have him 5 days and she basically shares the weekend with her Mum. In my opinion, you should be receiving the child benefit monthly payment and she is the one that should be paying you maintenance. It isn't your responsibility to pay her rent (as i am assuming yhe support isnt money she spends on your shared son)for her and her second child, that is not yours. Why should you! She made her bed, let her lie in it.

Cancel your maintenance support towards her, put that money towards your son and go down a court route to put in place set payments and days etc. I don't believe you will be expected to pay her to be honest.

Enjoy your holiday to Calafornia 🤗

California*

Make your own application for child benefit. It is supposed to be claimed for a child that lives with you. Also put it a UC claim if you’re eligible. Child benefit will allow you to prove you are the resident parent and change schools.
Child maintenance goes to the resident parent- you are the resident parent.
if she hits back, then mediation and court are the only way to go

Stop putting her behaviour worries over dc... Claim the benefits you are entitled to for raising your dc...

Echoing PPs. You get child benefit (provided that you are in the threshold of earnings). Apply for it.
You claim maintenance from the non RP. That's potentially quite a hefty change for her - unless she doesn't work (you mention UC). But stop paying it now. And thank goodness for your son that he has an invested parent.

It is really difficult. I run two restaurants so between school runs I am at work, then once he goes to bed I catch up with the admin. She also thinks I seem to be having a jolly every weekend, when in fact I am usually just trying to recover from the week.

It is really difficult as he is nearly 7 and now is asking questions about his Mum, and why she doesn't do many school pick ups etc... I never know how to answer him.

I did try before to register for housing support, and they refused due to me not being the resident parent (on paper). They then reached out to his mother who sold them down the river that she has him most of the week etc... I feel like a second class citizen at times because I am a father and not a mother. It really keeps me up at night as things are obviously very tight, and the added financial support would make such a huge difference to both our lives.

You need a "lives with" order with contact in place for her. You can self represent. You should be able to claim child benefit and she should be paying maintenance, not you! Stop paying it.

Op to make a counter claim start itemising spends on dc. Keep receipts. Ask school for receipts for lunch money, after school club costs. Trips etc. Being able to show you are the financial provider will speed up your claim.. Send a schedule of contact with both your and his dm written on.

This and stop giving her anything immediately.

Why on earth haven't you been to. Kurt before now to get full custody???

**Court

Well her involvement has gradually become less over time and her being more distant too. At one point it was a 50/50 split and worked perfectly. The last 18 months/2 years have seen a real decline in her involvement. It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist the last 6 months that I really started to notice the behaviour.

I would not rush to court.

It will be hugely stressful for all of you.

Agree I don't think you need to rush to court and spend money on trying to sort this out.

I have a suspicion that once you stop paying her maintenance she will suddenly decide she wants 50/50 again, so you will end up going round in circles with her. I think your best bet is to stop paying the maintenance, and claim Child Benefit to show that you are the main carer. At that point you will be able to claim for any UC you are entitled to.

To be fair, I don't think this is about you being the dad, its about the fact that you've let her dictate the narrative on this. My ex was the same with the mother of his DCs, he almost didn't want to stop paying her as this would make it obvious that she wasn't pulling her weight and would rock the boat, potentially meaning she forced the kids to spend time with her against their (& their dad's) wishes.

Worst case scenario you're financially better off but your son has to spend more time with a mum who doesn't seem that keen to have him, poor little love. Best case, she has to pay YOU maintenance.

The school issue is tricky, as your son needs someone on call that will prioritise him, and it doesn't sound like his mum does. So personally I'd rather stay on there as the first contact, but if they call you first and you can't come, get them to call her - or her mum - next. As someone who used to work in a school office we are used to calling several numbers before being able to reach someone who is actually free to come in and collect a sick child. The less reliable she is, the less she will be able to claim being the main carer.

For explaining to him why you do pick ups, I would explain that with modern lifestyles it's not just that the mum does kids and the dad does work and that there are lots of different family make ups. Say you aren't together any more, but you love him very much, so want to make sure you both get to see him. Point out other men picking up their kids at the gates and mention that some kids have two mums or two dads instead. What's important is that he is loved and looked after.

You absolutely shouldn't need to pay her child support when you have 5 nights a week with him. Her rent and other child are not your responsibility. For changing the school, I would ask if he is happy and settled there. If he is then changing to a closer school might not be best for him as it would be upheaval. If he is not happy with yhe school or the drive then a change might be good.