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Original poster

Family / Kissing

21 replies

ymn27 · 15/05/2023 22:18

FTM - Hi all, I’m currently abroad visiting my family with my 4.5 months LO. In the UK it’s mainly just me and my partner. Setting boundaries with strangers (no touching, kissing) as well as family (no kissing) is something I feel very strongly about. My mum knows how I feel about it. My aunt came to visit and after telling her please no kissing only parents, a little later she kissed her on back head but genuinely think she just didn’t think in moment and apologised. After she left, I had a rant about it to my mother and also told her stories how back in the UK strangers constantly touch her hands before I can say something and asked to kiss her but I wouldn’t let anyone obviously. I made a point that my daughter comes before anyone else. My mum then suddenly out of the blue gives my LO a kiss on her cheek and laughs. I went absolutely mad and just furious. My mum has many narcissistic tendencies and I really don’t know what to do. I was very clear and she also never apologised afterwards and (typical narcissist) made me try to feel as if I’m exaggerating and too sensitive afterwards. Also: my mum has had herpes in the past (not active at the moment) but it makes me very nervous. Im considering to stay at my sister for the rest of my stay as I feel so disrespected. It’s been like this always but with my own child I just feel like I don’t want to tolerate this anymore. She loves my LO a lot but feel like she did this to herself. Am I exaggerating? How can I deal with this best :( did anyone experience similar? TY

OP posts:

Notamum12345577 · 15/05/2023 22:22

Your mum shouldn’t have gone against your wishes. But you ranting to her about your aunt, when you yourself said that your aunt probably forgot and apologised? I think that is you over reacting. I personally don’t see why you don’t want family kissing your baby anyway.

Original poster

ymn27 · 15/05/2023 22:32

Hi @Notamum12345577 i appreciate your reply but assuming from your nickname you are not a mum so indeed you may not understand why i reacted the way I did.

The difference is my mum kissed her on purpose while I was already upset whereas my aunt kissed her impulsively and apologised straight after.

You may not be aware but herpes is very serious for babies whereas for adults it's not too much of a big deal.

Also it's more about the fact that my boundary was crossed. Hope this makes it a bit clearer.

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 15/05/2023 22:40

She shouldn't have done it. But bloody hell, I can see why she did! Unless your baby has health issues it's fine for people to touch her and kiss her. Babies belong in families and they thrive on love and touch.

Interested in this thread?

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Mummyof287 · 15/05/2023 22:44

As she is still so little you're right to be cautious, but why not just advise not to kiss them on the face? That way they can still show affection to baby but in a safe way.Or is it more about instilling the consent side of things?
I wouldn't be worrying about the aunt as she kissed her on the back of the head.
Your mum was being disrespectful to you doing what she did and I can see why you can be angry at that, especially as it was nearer her mouth and you said she had herpes.

gogohmm · 15/05/2023 22:45

Your mother was out of line if she has had herpes (not sure if it can be passed on if not active though) however you found a bit obsessed, what's wrong with kissing. I have 2 DD's and close family kissed them

coronation2023 · 16/05/2023 06:18

@ymn27

You sound quite unpleasant from the way you reacted, the way you replied to the poster and the way you described your behaviour

JenniferBarkley · 16/05/2023 08:47

I'm a mum of two small children and I agree with @Notamum12345577 , the more kisses from loving family members the better.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/05/2023 08:51

You need one of these for your Baby, before any more family members breath on them.

pokabubble · 16/05/2023 08:54

After she left, I had a rant about it to my mother so your aunt, who made an effort to visit you, kissed your child at the end of the visit on the back of their head. And then apologised (indicating she understood that that had crossed your boundary). And then you RANTED to your mum about her?! I ask this genuinely- how is your mental health? I had bad anxiety after my first born and turned out I had post natal depression.

AMuser · 16/05/2023 09:05

You seem obsessive about this OP. Do you suffer from health anxiety?

Babies have been touched by family members - and indeed strangers. In current times this poses no real risk to her. Letting her grow up with you projecting health anxiety onto her however could cause her lasting damage.

Just because you label something a “boundary” doesn’t make it less irrational or precious.

AMuser · 16/05/2023 09:06

since time immemorial

Garethkeenansstapler · 16/05/2023 09:07

OP your child is well out of the danger zone for a kiss being any kind of serious risk. You’re being very dramatic

allthewoes · 16/05/2023 09:12

You sound a bit deranged tbh.

My mum used to smother my dc with kisses, especially when they were babies. Unless your baby has health issues or your family are riddled with disease, yabvu.

lottie2888 · 16/05/2023 09:25

Your poor LO. That’s so sad. I’d be more worried about my baby hearing me ranting than my auntie kissing on the back of the head.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/05/2023 09:29

ymn27 · 15/05/2023 22:32

Hi @Notamum12345577 i appreciate your reply but assuming from your nickname you are not a mum so indeed you may not understand why i reacted the way I did.

The difference is my mum kissed her on purpose while I was already upset whereas my aunt kissed her impulsively and apologised straight after.

You may not be aware but herpes is very serious for babies whereas for adults it's not too much of a big deal.

Also it's more about the fact that my boundary was crossed. Hope this makes it a bit clearer.

I have 3, I agree with pp.

OK your Mom clearly did it to annoy you, and you already don't have a good relationship with her so if you want to stay with your sister and you'll be more relaxed, go for it.

But yabu to be ranting and raving about an aunt kissing your 4month old on the back of the head. She's more likely to pick up germs from your aunt breathing g in front of her than from a kiss on the back of her head, and whilst I get the thing about body autonomy and not being made to kiss other people, I'm yet to meet a baby who doesn't like being snuggled and kissed at this age.

febrezeme · 16/05/2023 09:29

This reply has been deleted

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CindersAgain · 16/05/2023 09:34

Your baby is beyond the age of this being a valid problem. And it’s generally only transmitted through visible cold sores.

How are you going to manage when your baby is crawling and then exploring? Being germ phobic will do them real harm, both psychologically and physically.

swirly3468 · 16/05/2023 09:47

I was like this when my baby was little and I do have health anxiety. I was very firm about family not kissing him. None of them listened really. They always said they couldn't resist. I compromised and just said you can kiss him on his cheek. Just not on his mouth or nose. From about 6 months he was putting everything in his mouth and now he's a toddler at nursery and the germs he must encounter I dread to think 😂. But my anxiety around people kissing him disappeared a while ago and it probably will for you too.

sunshineandtea · 16/05/2023 10:04

YA totally bonkers.

What will you do when your baby started crawling and sticks shoes/ other random crap into her mouth before you can stop her?

Toys at a play group?

The world is very germy and she needs an immune system

MsSquiz · 16/05/2023 10:04

I agree with the PP and I have 2 children. I love seeing strangers interact with my little ones when out and about. Grannies commenting on her smile or waving at them makes my day, it's so lovely to see.
When I was young it was common for even strangers to give a baby/toddler a silver coin for good luck, now it's like strangers shouldn't even look at a baby!

CornishGem1975 · 16/05/2023 10:10

This is bonkers. You need to relax a bit OP.

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