Toddler tantrums is this typical

[Itsmeitscathyivecomehome]

Dd is 2 years 11 months.
she had always been feisty and had tantrums but recently they have stepped up a gear. Just want to canvass opinions on whether this is normal or perhaps I need to speak to gp or seek some help.

she had an amazing command of language so it’s not that she can’t communicate.

Behaviours:
*Hitting (not just during a tantrum but whenever she experiences an undesired outcome eg mum saying no)

• Screaming she doesn’t love me at the top of her lungs or screaming go away
• Slamming doors
• Being resistant to anything suggested to her
• Always tearful
• Lots of throwing - even if she knows it’s dangerous or something will break
• Kicking - especially her sister
• Pushing every single boundary
• The main problem is like she has a split personality. Like she can be the sweetest child in the world saying she loves you, stoking your face, being adorable, and then 5 minutes later be in the most furious rage.

Is this typical? I know there’s obviously a range.

I don't know if it's normal but my 2.5 year old is exactly the same. I'm drained by it at the moment, it's so hard with constant, constant tantrums.

Sounds very typical!

The extremes is normal and the instant change..all normal.

Where did she learn to slam to slam doors? Shout that she doesn't love you etc?

I'd be looking at what is making her react so strongly, is she over stimulated/tired? Does she have age appropriate control over her life? Eg does she get to choose what goes in her sandwich at lunch from 2 options you give her or whatever?

It does sound a bit extreme. My dds had tantrums but never slammed doors, and would throw things when younger but quickly learned not to. Never hit or kicked siblings. They would scream and shout and be tearful, and I would try to find something that might help or distract them, but if nothing worked I'd give them space and they soon got over it.

Your can ask your HV or GP for more support - I know they had advice sessions at our surgery to help with behaviour.

@NotHooray Thanks for the comment x solidarity x

@TheShellBeach thank you for commenting. X

@00100001 I totally agree. I don’t have any idea where she has learnt these things. Me and her dad are pretty relaxed characters and she’s never seen a cross word between us. We try to gentle parent as much as we can and offer lots of connection when she’s in a tantrum.

she is definitely tired as she’s dropping her nap. We also have a three month old so I guess that isn’t helping. She has also just started preschool so I guess it’s a lot of change for her.

I wonder if it’s an attention thing. Like she’s seeing how far she can push us.

She is so head strong and independent and will not have help doing anything so I think a lot of her tantrums stem from frustration.

It’s just heartbreaking to see her so angry.

DD went through a very similar phase. She didn't shout that she didn't love us but she would tell to go away. She settled down as she got older. We made it clear that the hitting and kicking are not ok and they dropped off. Now she'll raise her hand as if to hit but stop herself. She's 4 now and will still flounce/sulk if she doesn't get what she wants sometimes but less and less with every passing month.

@Helki It’s like she’s not learning to amend her behaviour she’s still so impulsive. How did you teach your dds? With hitting we put her down or move away and reinforce gentle hands. But we’ve been doing that for nearly a year and she still hits out in frustration nearly everyday. I’m at a bit of a loss.

I do give her space and she does get over it and once she’s calm she always asks me to hold her and we cuddle and reconnect.

Hv is a good idea thank you x

@SquigglePigs Thank you for your comment. Glad to hear I’m not alone.

your dd sounds similar. Just so intense! Glad to hear with consistency it’s got better. It just feels at the moment we’re not getting anywhere but I guess just need to give it time.

It is pretty relentless at times and we definitely went through spells where we didn't feel like things were improving. My Mum encouraged us to stick with it and she did get there in the end. I think it helped that it was predominantly aimed at her Dad with a bit to me but we knew she was ok at nursery etc.

Intense is a good description. DD is still pretty full on but it's more directed and so much more fun now!

Good luck and hang in there.

Sounds like a combination of being 3, upheaval and exhaustion.

Are your days quiet and chilled? Try doing waaaaaay less as a family if so. So just spend time at home all together doing basically nothing! Especially as she's just started preschool which will be exhausting for her. Do nothing after preschool in the week ...po tter about in the garden, play games, watch TV, cook and bake, make crafts, do puzzles etc.
Do small things at the weekend like, go swimming once. Or to a new park or whatever.

Don't be worried about "making memories" or grand days out etc like so many people do.

Just dial it all back, spend lots of one-to-one time with her when you can and see if it makes any difference.

Then keep the big days out for school holidays, where she has the time either side to just relax and potter.