Loneliness as a parent

[limeblossom]

Hi everyone
I feel super lonely as a parent. I am quite a lonely person normally, I am quite an introverted and awkward person and have struggled with friendship for most of my life. I am an only child and not close with my parents (they were both violent to me).

I thought becoming a parent would be different. I thought id make friends in mum group, that didn't happen. Whenever I take my baby on a walk or to the park I see other mums with their friends, or mums and dads together. My partner doesn't come out with us, he's either working or going out. It makes me feel really sad.

I'm slowly accepting I don't have a social network but it still upsets me. I wish things were different.

Can anyone else relate to this? Or have any advice? Thank you xx

Join some mother and baby groups. Have a look at what your library, swimming pool, leisure centre, community centre and churches offer (they're not religious in the church groups)
There might be some buggy fit or similar.
Hopefully you may be able to meet other mums through those.
Does your partner not go out with you at all?

Maybe join a playgroup where mums stay and play? I'm not particularly socially confident, but found this easier because there's usually just chit chat with whoever is in the vicinity. You might find mums just like you who find it a struggle. I think you should talk to your partner though, as it sounds like you could be doing with more emotional support x

@limeblossom this makes me so sad to read your post. I think the above advice is the best. Groups/activities is the best way to meet people and friends. I’ve got lifelong friends from meeting other mums at groups.

there is plenty other mummies out there that will feel the same as you.

what area of the country do you live in?

I think it is partly about attitude. I am also introverted and take my dd to lots of groups, but focus entirely on my baby there and don't get caught up in the gossip with the other mums. I enjoy that time with my dd and don't feel lonely. I really like the alone time when she is napping too! Life is honestly too busy to feel lonely (I have an older child too) and don't think I could really fit in coffee and chats with other mums. Whenever I see mums doing that, they are pretty much ignoring their dcs, whereas I interact with mine constantly.

I think your DH needs to take some responsibility here, at weekends we do family days out together and that's my social life - getting out and doing things with DH and the kids. We go to the theatre, the beach, country parks. Your DH doesn't get to check out of family life just because he's working.

How old is your baby?

Different baby groups are good for different things. In my experience, many of the ones you pay for (Baby Sensory, Hartbeeps, Messy Play, Mini Athletics...) are really great for you to spend quality time with your child. However, they aren't places you are likely to build up a social network. Whereas free ones (stay and play, church groups) tend to have more socialising and often a cuppa. That's where my mum friends tend to be from, although in my case they are more acquantances than close friends - mostly just because I'm busy! But we chat when we bump into each other and some have been lovely enough to pass on old clothes or in one case to do an emergency babysit for my eldest at short notice (minor family crisis).

As your children get older, although you still attend groups to supervise, even the paid ones get a bit more sociable e.g. my eldest did CycleTots but was old enough to follow instructions, so the parents were mostly hanging out chatting by the starting cones for most of the session.

Part of it is you do need to deliberately cultivate people who are similar to you and might welcome your friendship. If there's someone with a child yours likes to play with, invite them over for a playdate and coffee. You might have to try with a few different people before you find someone you hit it off with, but you won't know who if you don't try!

Seconding what others have said about not letting your partner off the hook too much. Sometimes dads don't realise how much your life has changed, so they just kind of keep on going exactly as they were before..... but your needs have changed.

I'm exactly the same, my life/ social circle which was small in the first place has completely changed. I've got some "mum friends " but it's all about the children. I realised last weekend how lonely I felt.

School will help - that picking up time you will chat to others.
But if you want to make friends YOU have to initiate. Are you in any groups? I went to a post natal group and while I didn't totally click with the other mums there were a couple who I became friendly with and we would meet up every week for coffee, later in the park as the kids got mobile, and we all had second kids around the same time. We kept it up til they started school and it got to busy and complicated (even though we were in same area for the family clinic all the kids went to different schools).
When my kids moved schools I just asked any mum who seemed friendly to meet up for a coffee. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. But I had to do the inviting. I also volunteered at the school.