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Original poster

Help me decide on childcare/contact

15 replies

sunseasand000 · 14/05/2023 11:56

I go back to work soon and my mums having baby one day a week. I need another days childcare as I'm only part time. Mother in law was always the plan but since baby was born 10 months ago we've been having issues with her and her daughter (husbands sister)

Since forever mil has always wrapped hubbys sister is cotton wool which has grated on him other the years - since baby has been born I think it's triggered him almost

Hubby is 40, sister is 35 yrs

She cannot do any wrong. She's spoilt, wrapped up in a fake/filtered instagram life, lives at home, hasn't had a partner since I've known her ( 10 yrs)

Since baby has been born it's like she's jealous - it's very strange

Anyway mil doesn't see any wrong in her behaviour - even after husband talking to her about it so he's closed off now

All mil wants is for my husband to make contact with his sister and to basically make amends
He doenst want to
He thinks she narcissist and has had counselling over his family issues and just wants to move forward without his sisters dramas

His mum has said things like
She can't eat, sleep, has to take antidepressants and made comments like she has no idea how she is getting through the days

She's a big drain and cries on every visit to us

What would you do about her still having baby once a week ? I just have a bad feeling but don't know why. I'm perfectly happy leaving her with my mum and she's stable.

I could look into nurseries I just haven't because I thought mil could have baby but I'm just not sure

Help as I need to be telling her soon if she's not having baby

Thank you

X

OP posts:
Original poster
sunseasand000 · 14/05/2023 11:58

So am I being unreasonable or just let her have baby and not worry or address my concerns ?

To add that his sister hasn't seen our baby in so long and has no contact so because they live together how will this work is mil wants to look after baby at her house ( she lives 5mins away ) so can do both

Help x

OP posts:
Infusionist · 14/05/2023 12:04

It’s clear you don’t like your SIL, but less clear why you think that will impact your MIL’s care for your baby?

Hotfootgoose · 14/05/2023 12:07

If your mil is crying on every visit she is likely going to be giving off these vibes to your baby. I would give her a miss to be honest. Your child is not a crutch for an emotionally unstable woman and her issues. Any close contact with her is also likely to trigger your dh, so I would say look into childcare

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Original poster
sunseasand000 · 14/05/2023 12:08

No I don't like my sil - due to her no contact to our baby ( her niece ) because she is jelous of a baby at 35 yrs old

And the concern that my mil may not be in the right frame of mind if she isn't eating, sleeping, depressed and talking insinuating ending her life.....and then having to deal with a 10 month old baby ????

OP posts:
Original poster
sunseasand000 · 14/05/2023 12:09

Infusionist · 14/05/2023 12:04

It’s clear you don’t like your SIL, but less clear why you think that will impact your MIL’s care for your baby?

No I don't like my sil - due to her no contact to our baby ( her niece ) because she is jelous of a baby at 35 yrs old

And the concern that my mil may not be in the right frame of mind if she isn't eating, sleeping, depressed and talking insinuating ending her life.....and then having to deal with a 10 month old baby

OP posts:
Original poster
sunseasand000 · 14/05/2023 12:10

Hotfootgoose · 14/05/2023 12:07

If your mil is crying on every visit she is likely going to be giving off these vibes to your baby. I would give her a miss to be honest. Your child is not a crutch for an emotionally unstable woman and her issues. Any close contact with her is also likely to trigger your dh, so I would say look into childcare

This was my thoughts which is why I asked here on MN so not emotional connection but I don't want to cut her off without a good reason - this is what concerns me but don't want to sound harsh x

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 14/05/2023 13:25

His mum has said things like
She can't eat, sleep, has to take antidepressants and made comments like she has no idea how she is getting through the days

She's a big drain and cries on every visit to us

Ok so if this was a paid service, like a Childminder or Nursery, would you be happy for your DD to be looked after by Staff that cried constantly and said things like this?

In your situation the fact that your DH has had counselling and there are still some unresolved issues would be enough for me to say no, but with the added behaviour above you could simply tell her that you understand how unhappy she is and you think having the baby would not help her recovery.

I'd be looking at alternatives straightaway Flowers

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 14/05/2023 13:44

You should pay for childcare. Whatever plan you make needs to be reliable and you need to feel comfortable with the care that's being provided.

QforCucumber · 14/05/2023 13:48

Her not being an option for childcare isn’t cutting her off?!

HauntedPencil · 14/05/2023 14:14

I would tell her she seems under a lot of strain and you don't want to add to it, so for now you'll pay for a nursery.

Original poster
sunseasand000 · 15/05/2023 07:32

Thank you all - yes I think so too
I know it's not cutting her off per say but obviously it's an awkward situation having to tell her she's not going to be caring for her granddaughter any longer but maybe I can say when you are feeling better we can change things around and she can do some early pick ups or something

Thank you everyone - childcare searching this week it is

OP posts:
Original poster
sunseasand000 · 15/05/2023 08:32

QforCucumber · 14/05/2023 13:48

Her not being an option for childcare isn’t cutting her off?!

She had plans to take her out for days out etc
Bonding for the day so that's why I thought it sounds like I'm cutting her off that's all
I don't want her to think it's because I don't want them to build a relationship as I do I think it's important
I never had a nanny or grandad growing up and the fact she has offered to have her all of my hours I think It's nice as I often read on here how people have no family support

But I do agree she isn't the best option
Just going to be an awkward conversation with lots of tears no doubt

OP posts:
Original poster
sunseasand000 · 15/05/2023 08:34

I've suggested counselling on a few occasions and she sounded insulted and looked disgusted
As a person and couple that's had counselling I think it would help her get out of this circle of sadness but she doesn't so I don't think she's helping herself

OP posts:
pecantoucan · 15/05/2023 08:43

Has she looked after your child alone for a day yet? At all? If not how about starting with that. So she could take baby for a day out at the weekend and start with that. You might struggle to find a nursery that only does one day a week so I'd start looking pronto.

Original poster
sunseasand000 · 15/05/2023 09:06

pecantoucan · 15/05/2023 08:43

Has she looked after your child alone for a day yet? At all? If not how about starting with that. So she could take baby for a day out at the weekend and start with that. You might struggle to find a nursery that only does one day a week so I'd start looking pronto.

No not yet - the plan was she would but every time she turns up she breaks down, keep thinking the next visit she would be ok but times ticking I go back in 6 wks

The nursery I spoke to do a min of 2 days so the plan is she would go 2 days and I work my hours over 3 days and my mum would do one
So just a bit of a shuffle which means I won't leave her as long which is good
X

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