Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

I wish my partner was more helpful

26 replies

Mallerina · 12/05/2023 21:53

Never written on a forum before, however, after I gave birth I’ve never been so lonely either. My son is now 10 months old, he’s the most amazing being, but I’m also very lonely and scared. I’m not originally from uk, and to be very honest, the country I’m from is way more advanced when it comes to parental rights and even just feminism. Men are expected to take leave to help with weaning of the breast, men are expected to help and be 50/50. I’ve lived in the uk for 14 years and I’ve never been homesick, but having a child here has been the biggest culture shock of my life. Everyone keeps asking if I’m going back to work. MIL is shocked that I am, shocked that I have to put son in nursery to go back to work, talks to me like im just giving him up to strangers rather than taking care of him myself.

I would have dealt with this better if my partner was more supportive. He’s always been moody, and when I got pregnant I told him he would have to work harder on that. It’s however turned into me having to work on all of my issues and him staying the same on his. He kept going out while I was pregnant. I said that was fine. He was literally out 2 nights before my due date drinking. When my son was 8 weeks old he left me to go abroad drinking with his mates for 3 days. He didn’t even reply to my or check his phone the first 27 hours. He wanted me to go stay with his mum - I told him this isn’t what I’m used to in my culture and back home he would have stayed home with me. His mum has never worked and I’m now very worried he is thinking I will be like her.

we always go to his parents, he never comes to my home country to visit mine. I travelled alone with my baby 3 times already to see my family. When he does come, he is moody and grumpy and makes sure we can only stay for the weekend. When we go his parents we stay for a week or they stay in our tiny flat for a week.

i go back to work soon, and I’ve done every nappy change and feed so far. He has literally done 2 baths in the 10 months my son has been alive. He has always been using me breastfeeding as a way of getting out things. 2 weekends ago I was going to a friend in the morning and spend the day with her, my partner was so worried and had me check the phone the entire day. I mean, at nearly 10 months he should be able to spend some hours alone with his baby without giving me a hard time about it. Where I’m from that would be normal.

he’s also self employed so he never had the option of parental leave, and was taking work calls at the hospital. The moment we came home he went to work and I was sat alone with the baby. Where I’m from the father takes off work to help, but without him or any other family around I was completely alone. Tomorrow, we’re going to my home country to visit family and he’s gone into a mood again. I’ve done all packing and made everything ready but he’s sat at the sofa not even entertaining the baby while I pack.

i guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m so tired and lonely, and extremely homesick. I’ve never really had a culture shock before having my baby, but now I feel like I’ve been thrown into the 1950s and i have no one to talk to about it. Not sure if I’m just emotional but I’m really having a hard time and I had to rant somewhere.

OP posts:
Orangello · 12/05/2023 21:57

He's a shit partner and a shit dad. It's clearly not just you being emotional.

Dotcheck · 12/05/2023 21:58

It is really tough being away from home after you’ve had kids.
However, your husband is just being a run of the mill lazy, thoughtless ass.

IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 12/05/2023 22:12

Would moving back home to your family be an option?
Your partner sounds incredibly selfish.
Is he adding anything to yours or your child's life? From what you describe it sounds like you'd be better on your own.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9-12 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
AnnaTortoiseshell · 12/05/2023 22:21

I’m so sorry OP, that does sound incredibly lonely. It must have been really hard having a baby without any support from your family. For what it’s worth, I think that it is less of a cultural thing and more your DP and his family. It is normal to work, put your child into childcare, and share the load, here. Your partner sounds like a waste of space. Do you love him? What is he bringing to the table?

Whydoievenbother · 12/05/2023 22:50

You need to have a serious discussion with your partner as your resentment will keep building

PaigeMatthews · 12/05/2023 22:57

He’s always been moody
this is who he is.

dont come back. Stay home. He doesnt give a shiney crap.

anythinginapinch · 12/05/2023 23:13

Oh come on op, he's a useless dad and crap partner, in any culture. God I loathe men who take the piss like this. Kick him out. He's pointless.

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 12/05/2023 23:26

Sorry, please don't be fooled into thinking that his behaviour is to do with the culture of this country. Plenty of British fathers do more than their fair share.
We just picked absolutely shit ones. Flowers

Youdoyoubabe · 12/05/2023 23:31

Said every wife always.

When you marry outside of your familiar culture there are always even more challenges than ever.

He sounds a bit rubbish, but not unusually so. You will have to have a serious talk and see if he can step up to the mark. If not..... well only you can decide which you want more. You can try to get him to change but no guarantees.

Tina8800 · 12/05/2023 23:33

The biggest problem here is your partner. I'm not from the UK and we don't have help here. But! My husband is an amazing dad and a loving husband so the UK system, lack of help and being far from my family does not bother that much.
Leaving you with an 8 weeks old and not checking the phone for over a day? I am sorry but that is unacceptable! How is the communication between you two? Does he know how you feel?

iminvestednow · 12/05/2023 23:43

This is not a ‘British’ thing. My husband is self employed but made sure he was there for me. If he needed to go away he would ask, I would say go, all ok! I didn’t need him post birth that much but he would have stayed if I’d needed him. Not a cultural issue, a husband issue.

Yolo12345 · 13/05/2023 00:03

Honestly - put you and your baby first. When you get home, ask your parents if you can stay on a bit longer. Tell your partner you need to have some space to think and tell him calmly and clearly that the first 10 months of parenthood have really surprised you in that it has not been "team baby" but rather "flying solo" and that you don't want your life to pan out that way. His reaction will tell you whether this is the man for you or not. Life is too short for these moods. Tell the whole truth to your mum and dad.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2023 00:06

Go home to your family and stay there. It doesn't seem like your partner will care, honestly.

piedbeauty · 13/05/2023 00:31

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 12/05/2023 23:26

Sorry, please don't be fooled into thinking that his behaviour is to do with the culture of this country. Plenty of British fathers do more than their fair share.
We just picked absolutely shit ones. Flowers

This.

His behaviour is nothing to do with being British. It's to do with him being a lazy, useless, selfish shit 🤷‍♂️

YRGAM · 13/05/2023 02:48

PaigeMatthews · 12/05/2023 22:57

He’s always been moody
this is who he is.

dont come back. Stay home. He doesnt give a shiney crap.

Sorry but this is awful, awful advice. Presumably the OP is from Germany or Scandinavia, in which case her not bringing the child back will see her pursued in international courts for child abduction. Please don't give advice like that if you don't understand the implications of what you're advising

gymwars · 13/05/2023 07:11

It's not the UK, or culture. It's him. He's just crap and if I were you I'd be packing my bags and going home.

Orangello · 13/05/2023 07:53

He sounds a bit rubbish, but not unusually so

Really? A father who hasn't changed one nappy in 10 months and spent more than a couple of hours with his child is usual?

OP has a job and a life here so might not want to just drop it all - plus the fact that you can't of course just take your child away from their habitual residence country. I would get rid of the dead weight of a husband though - single mothers do less housework and have more leisure time than married mothers..

Dotcheck · 13/05/2023 09:37

He sounds a bit rubbish, but not unusually so. You will have to have a serious talk and see if he can step up to the mark. If not..... well only you can decide which you want more. You can try to get him to change but no guarantees

OP
please don’t listen to this rubbish. Yes, he IS unusual rubbish. He is behaving like a spoiled thoughtless child. You deserve better because everyone does.

Watchkeys · 13/05/2023 09:45

Youdoyoubabe · 12/05/2023 23:31

Said every wife always.

When you marry outside of your familiar culture there are always even more challenges than ever.

He sounds a bit rubbish, but not unusually so. You will have to have a serious talk and see if he can step up to the mark. If not..... well only you can decide which you want more. You can try to get him to change but no guarantees.

This is poor advice. It's not up to you to change him. He's had a chance to step up every minute of every day, and he's shown you already whether he wants to or not.

It's not a culture thing. Your partner isn't pulling his weight and isn't supporting you emotionally. It's not a healthy relationship, and you need to leave, unless you want to keep feeling this way, and unless you want to demonstrate to your son that this is what home feels like: unresolved resentment and the woman doing all the domestic stuff whilst the man drinks.

Anybridget · 13/05/2023 09:47

Your partner sounds awful

Watchkeys · 13/05/2023 09:48

Said every wife always

I'm sad for anybody who believes that all wives are suffering this. It's not the case, and demonstrates that the person who says it has had a shit example set to them of what relationships are generally like.

strawberryS22 · 13/05/2023 10:50

You keep talking about culture but it's about what works for you and clearly this set up isn't

What you've described back home is exactly what my husband does 50/50 when he is off work. He does work long hours but I do get a break when he's off. It's also balanced so that I'm not doing it all.

Also this should have been discussed before having a baby surely - not saying it can't change but if he was moody before then there is a lot of work and change for him for you to be able to be happy

I wouldn't stand for this as it is at the moment

Talk and see if you can get him to understand if not then I'd consider leaving

Houseupdate · 13/05/2023 10:55

This isn’t about being in the UK. I’m a sahm in the UK and my DH does way more than yours. It maybe cultural norm within his social group.

He is a crap parent and partner. You need to point this out to him and what you expect him to be doing.

strawberryS22 · 13/05/2023 11:51

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 12/05/2023 23:26

Sorry, please don't be fooled into thinking that his behaviour is to do with the culture of this country. Plenty of British fathers do more than their fair share.
We just picked absolutely shit ones. Flowers

This 👏

strawberryS22 · 13/05/2023 11:52

Youdoyoubabe · 12/05/2023 23:31

Said every wife always.

When you marry outside of your familiar culture there are always even more challenges than ever.

He sounds a bit rubbish, but not unusually so. You will have to have a serious talk and see if he can step up to the mark. If not..... well only you can decide which you want more. You can try to get him to change but no guarantees.

Not unusually so? I don't know any fathers like this - sounds awful