Over familiarity

[ThisMess]

So I have one baby who is now 9 months old, I go back to work in 8 weeks. I used to be much more relaxed sharing my baby with extended family, I loved her being able to interact with all these new faces. They always checked in and asked if x was ok, and it made me feel in control but from a respectful distance. I feel I should also add that this is our first and we’re the youngest/last of the siblings with kids.

This past weekend my in laws handed my baby to her cousins 8 & 10 respectively, and while I have absolutely no issue with them cuddling her, I absolutely have an issue with them just doing it without asking. I would have said yes. My sister in law is the sweetest thing in the world but I’m feeling like she’s behaving a little too close to how I behave with my baby, putting her feet in her mouth, kissing my baby all over, letting my baby put her hands in SILs mouth. Not handing her back if baby cries and I’m just feeling really uncomfortable with it.

I’m really unsure how to navigate it, I don’t want to be overzealous and protective but I also don’t want anyone else behaving like my babies mother. 3 months ago everyone seemed to give us space and now I’m just feeling really pushed to the side. My SIL has two boys and is obsessed with girls, and she’s all round a really lovely person so I don’t ever want her to feel uncomfortable or upset anyone but I’m also feeling like their shift in behaviour is happening much faster than I feel like I’m ready for.

how the heck do you find the balance of encouraging strong bonds with family members while also just maintaining a healthy boundary?

Husband thinks I may just be struggling with returning to work and am over sensitive to people being super tactile with my baby. Maybe he’s right, I honestly don’t know.

I understand why you're uncomfortable but at the same time, your SIL just sounds really good with babies in my opinion. I don't see a way you could raise it without creating a huge fallout.

I think if there's something specific you don't like, you could raise it politely. E.g. you could ask her to please not kiss baby on the face because of risk of passing on illnesses etc, and you could definitely (again, politely) say that you need her to hand baby back when she cries. However, just the idea that SIL is acting too similar to how you would act is not going to go down well. It's vague and a bit confusing, and it might damage the relationship because SIL might feel unsure what exactly she's allowed to do.

If you're close to SIL, could you have a general chat with her about how you're feeling anxious about starting work and struggling to leave your baby? Not about her behaviour, just your own feelings. She's been through it before, she might have some insight, and she also might just understand a bit more how you're feeling and tone it down maybe?

That’s such a good suggestion, thank you.

I think it’s mainly a first time mum learning curve. She’s just a lovely women so I don’t want her to feel like she’s walking on eggs shells when I think this is very much a me thing 😅

Yeah, I think it's a you thing. She actually sounds like a lovely person for your baby to have in their life. Another person who loves her!

Im going to be blunt. Are you feeling a little jealous that your SIl is giving PFB attention and your child likes it and you feel sidelined? I welcomed people interacting with mine and you are right its a good thing. I would be very wary about bringing this up.Maybe see them slightly less perhaps

She is. The kissing is not exclusive to SIL, it’s something that I’m universally not keen on.

Not side lined, I think possibly different boundaries, I always check in with mums before handing baby off - so it is just a little odd to me.