Is it normal for a 4 year old to have no friends?

[fuzzyduckling125]

DS has just turned 4 and has never had a friend. He goes to nursery/preschool full time (and has done since he was 1) so he has plenty of exposure to other children, he just doesn't seem to like them very much! He gets on well with adults - shy at first but warms up - and has good bonds with his grandparents, aunts, nursery staff, etc. But when I ask him which children he is friends with he just says 'no one' and changes the subject.

He's starting school in September and I'm really worried that he won't fit in or won't enjoy it if everyone else makes friends and he ends up being left out. Am I right to be concerned? And if so how can I help him? We are new to the area so I don't know loads of families I can set up play dates with, and anyway these have never gone well in the past!

Also interested to hear if others have had children who were not interested in other children at this age, and how it turned out in the end.

Please don't worry at all. In my experience this is normal. I have taught 4-5 year olds for years and it is rare for very strong consistent bonds . They tend to play with whoever is playing the game they want to play. There are a few who form a very strong friendship at this age but it is much more fluid.
I often get calls from parents saying similar that their child is saying they are not playing with anyone and I will always observe and it rare to report back they are not.
What cemented it all for me was teaching my own daughter at this age and watching her at playtime and in the yard.
In the evening she would tell her dad she played with no one even though I had watched her that day! Flag it with his teacher at the start of the year just so they will keep an eye out
Oh and playdates are painful even with the most sociable child

It's completely normal.

Children don't really start to form friendships until about age 4/5

Until then they just play alongside whoever is there. They may have some likes and dislikes before then but it's not a bond of any great depth.

Lots of parents believe their children have friends - but they don't really.

Once he starts school you will find all the party invites start to come.

Hey him on the waiting list now for Beavers when he is 6. That's great for building confidence. Squirrels now if they have provision where you live.

Your son will be fine.

I can't tell you how it turned out as DD is 3.5 and exactly as you describe, so I'm going to follow other answers in this thread! She goes to nursery and they post photos on an app every day - when I point to other children in the photos and ask what their names are, she usually shrugs and says she doesn't know! She has zero interest in them . . . and yet talks about the staff regularly; with two particular favourites.

If I'm honest, I'm not too worried about it, as I figure they all have their own little personalities and maybe she's just independent; she certainly seems happy enough. I think I'd be more concerned if she was desperate for friends and chasing after other children who had no interest in her, so I'm going with the flow and not trying to engineer anything for the time being.

They just play alongside each other at this stage , they make and break friends all the way through until forever!

Don't sweat it, I've made friends via my kids that have outlasted their friendships, normal part of growing up.

Thanks all, this is really reassuring! I totally agree that it's better to have a child who's not bothered about making friends than one who is trying and not succeeding, but I guess I don't want it to turn into that in the future if he doesn't develop the social skills. However, from what everyone is saying it sounds like I'm being a bit premature :)

One way to help with this is to do a whole class 5th birthday party, especially if his birthday is early in the year. He will then be invited back and you will get to know the parents and be able to actually see whether he is playing with any particular children. Play dates get easier as they grow up but are worth encouraging once they have settled into school. Just ask the teacher who would be worth inviting, they will know if he gravitates towards any children.

I have a nearly 4 yo and he plays with whoever is holding the shiny new toy in pre-school. They still play alongside each other, occasionally chase each other and build blocks together. They do group activities and encourage them to all join in in small groups and then during free play they have minor squabbles if one's feet accidentally ruins their train track without realising. The girls are more social butterflies but one day they are best friends and the next day they move onto someone else. I think reception time is when they start forming friendships and learn how to join in without being bossy and dictating their own rules in the play all the time as they realise that "my way isn't always the high way" otherwise they will be left out.

Hi everyone, I know this an old thread but just wondering if any of you could update with how your kids are getting on with friendships now? My little girl is 3.5 and isn’t really interested in other kids at all, I’m starting to get a bit in my head about it!

Just jumping on to for any updates? Nesr 4 year pld only wants ti play alome or rigidly with one other child