Am I over the top

[Emmamc93]

This is gonna be a bit of a long post

ds is 11 months old and I’m off work with him, when he was younger (under 4 months) in-laws put a lot of pressure on having alone time with him which i reluctantly gave into because dp was on their side. After months of them ignoring my routine and doing things I wasn’t generally happy with I said alone time was done.

since then I’ve barely left him at all with anyone even dp and in laws haven’t had any babysitting time. I don’t like dp taking him up to his parents without me as he doesn’t ever tell them no. He’s very sacred of offending mil who is a big fan of crocodile tears and blackmail, which doesn’t work on me. An example is Sil hurt his mouth one day which I spoke up about and told her she needed to be more careful and fil was going to allow him to play in coal which would have gone straight in his mouth and I told him no. Because i had said something mil basically told us to take him home and wouldn’t speak to me for a week.

now he’s trying to say he needs to be able to take him up to see them and let them have a few hours here and there but I’m honestly just not happy with it.

am I being unreasonable I’m not letting him take him up to them on his own or letting them have him? For context my parents don’t have alone time and always come to ours to visit him too so there’s no different treatment

I think it’s reasonable to ask them to respect your routines and boundaries. It’s reasonable to expect your partner to enforce it too.

Can you go up with them for visits, or have them down to yours (are they more likely to behave out of their own home?).

I think it’s strange when people insist on taking babies away from mothers - I don’t get it at all.

Why don’t you let anyone else take care of your baby? At some point you’re going to need that. I would even say if you trust your own parents, then allow that; when MiL asks why them and not her, you can easily answer it’s because they respect your boundaries.

That’s what I’ve done since babysitting stoped they’ve mostly came to visit us or we’ve called up occasionally with him.

I did trust my parents to watch him but I’ve stopped that now to keep it fair and he’s a really good baby to be honest any appointments I can take him to and as I’m not working there just isn’t much need for childcare at the minute

I just find them careless with him and it’s nothing major it’s just lots of small incidents along the way and when I say not to do something fil always like to try and say it’s okay and just disregard what I’m saying while I’m sitting there so I know when I’m not around anything I say is disregarded. Partner wants to be able to take him up alone but I know he’s try’s too hard to keep his parents happy and won’t say no to anything

You don’t let your child’s father take them out alone?!

Yabu. If I was your husband I’d be furious with you.

OK this is crazy - why can your husband not have his son without you there? This is obsessive behaviour which is not healthy for your son, you, or your marriage.
In laws do sound a bit weird, playing in coal, seriously? Your husband surely would stand up for you with that sort of thing.

It’s not that he’s not allowed to take him out he just never does as he works till almost bedtime during the week and at weekends we always have days away or do stuff as a family I just don’t trust him on his own with his family as he won’t go with what he knows he’ll go with what keeps them happy

Your inlaws managed to raise your dh didn’t they?

I think you’re smothering and actually, when I read shit like this on mn I get bloody annoyed.

You do what you need to do to keep your child safe. There have been a number of small accidents, and FIL wanted to let your baby play in coal?!! The baby is unlikely to come to serious physical harm, but surely we set the bar higher than "well, they're probably not going to seriously injure him" when it comes to our children.

It would be ott to cut all contact with in-laws, but perfectly reasonable to go with your husband when he visits. Why are they so desperate to get your baby on their own anyway?

Actually from what I can gather aunts raised his sister and his sister raised him (16 years age difference) so unfortunately that point is irrelevant

I agree with u if they can't stick to ur rules for your baby then it's ur right to not let them have look after ur baby I can't stand overbearing in-laws xx

Ach well, you infantilise your husband and call all the shots then. Plenty here will encourage you.

Op are you planning on going back to work? How are you going to manage childcare if you are?
You are not far away from having the beginnings of toddler behaviour to deal with (tantrums started at 15 months for us but you may be lucky and not get it so early) and you won’t be able to take your child to appointments because they are wild and difficult and full of tantrums/emotions. You are going to need help at some point and you won’t always be able to dictate terms.
I think you are naturally over-worrying but it will pass when your child starts licking the floor and generally doing disgusting things. It is ok to be cautious with your child but at some point you will have to loosen the control.

If it’s in the best interests of my child yes I will, perhaps plenty will encourage as the vast majority of mothers hold their child’s well being as a higher priority than keeping in laws happy

I’m not planning on returning to work until November and when I do go back we’ll be using crèche, I would leave him with partner or my parents when it’s needed but after in-laws showing they can’t cope with him it wouldn’t be them. There have been incidents where ds was crying and mil was screaming at fil over the top of the baby crying to put him in the car as they couldn’t console him

Despite some of the other posters claiming YABU OP, I think it's a situation whereby if you haven't had in laws like this then you wouldn't understand.

Mine like to do things to my DD that they know she finds upsetting, for their own fulfilment. As a result I do everything in my power to not require them to have to care for her because they have given me reason not to trust them.

So no, I don't think you're overreacting as you know what's in your child's best interest.

It’s good that you have some time yet before work. It does sound like a real struggle for your in laws to look after him. The one thing I would say is don’t worry too much about being fair to everyone. It creates a stress for you that you can do without, just do what fees right for you. It will change over time and that’s normal as far as I can tell. I have in laws with a young dog who don’t understand the risk so I do understand what you are saying. We just don’t go as often and couldn’t leave DS with them but my DH is very strong about DS’s safety so it’s a bit different in our case.

Similar situation here I don't think you are being OTT and can completely sympathise.

My DC had various small (and some significant) incidents when DH took her to MILs. Maybe she was capable with a small child 40 years ago but not now and seems to be obsessed with giving a 3yo small parts, provides strange things to play with like batteries and old jewellery and doesn't say no to anything DC wants to have/touch/play with. As well as getting DC involved in tasks that are just unsuitable like weed killer and toilet cleaner. I mean, why? Just do it in the 6.5 days of the week we're not there!

I have managed the situation by being very clear with DH about what DC can and can't do if he takes her there and when we all go I very clearly and loudly make known about anything that's unsafe, chocking hazard or just downright not suitable. I don't think MIL is stupid I just think has genuinely no idea about what's suitable for small children having been 4 decades since any involvement and also thinks she has to let DC do what she wants and needs to be clear on things to say no to. And DH is not (though getting better) fully switched onto what's a risk eg choking hazards so does need to be reminded and briefed before going and remainder not to just leave MIL to it.

Some people will say this is over the top and smothering but given there has been incidents and accidents I would rather be OTT than these reoccur.

YANBU, child's safety comes first. My mum doesn't have DD alone for similar reasons, just no sense of what is dangerous for a toddler at all.

What is this ridiculous obsession with "alone time". Babies should be with their Mother, pretty much all the time.

There's a reason you feel uncomfortable, it's because it's against your instincts. Don't ignore them, the modern world loves to tell women to ignore their instincts.

And your MIL sounds very unpleasant. Sulking and sending you home because you spoke up.

I agree with a pp, so r worry about being fair, let your dp look after your dc. As for your pil I don't blame you. Your fil wanted to let a baby play in coal?

Wow stop being so precious.

I’m inclined to this you’re controlling OP- your child is also your husbands- what have the inlaws actually done

I think it’s strange when people insist on taking babies away from mothers - I don’t get it at all.

He's the father. Why can't he have the baby on his own?

I'm all for fathers having as much time solo parenting as possible.

Trouble here is, his child isn't his number one priority- placating his mother is. If he genuinely prioritised his own son and keeping him safe, he wouldn't be so insistent on his Mum having so kuchen contact.

OP don't be too influenced by those saying you are too precious. At the end of the day it is your responsibility to keep your child safe and unharmed in whatever way. Just because a relative offers to or has a strong desire to 'have' your child doesn't mean they are automatically capable and that you can happily defer all responsibility. If others can then that is a bit remiss in my mind.

The case of your DH is different, he has the same responsibility as you to keep the child safe whoever he takes them, so if he isn't taking that seriously then needs some clear conversations. However, you can't stop him as it's his child but need to address your concerns with him.