4 year olds

[warmmfeet]

I'm just curious what other people are doing?

I'm trying to be gentle... not always achieving it, focusing on repairing when I flip my lid.

It feels like a very long game ..

We tried reward charts once but then the negotiations got out of hand, he was asking for a reward for doing basic stuff and I felt we needed to get him more intrinsically motivated.

He's pretty highly strung. He's got a lot of strengths, he's bright and sweet and energetic but he's also really defiant. We have so many power struggles and recently it feels like his default setting is 'angry'. There's nothing new or bad going on in the family or anything, we're lucky in that regard. I don't really know what's normal for a 4.5 year old!

Can anyone offer anything ?!

All I can say is WTF is it with 4 YO!! Currently sat here searching for answers aswel while my DD continues her tantrum about not eating dinner (basic pasta which she usually loves)…. One hour in and still going strong…. Please tell us it gets better! She’s also weirdly going through acting like a baby stage as much as we’re trying to discourage.

No advice - just solidarity. My 4.5 year old is pushing a lot of boundaries. Stay firm.

I've got a new 4 year old, and I wish I hadn't opened this thread!

We've just had a 45-min screaming tantrum from our 4.5yo after she was told to stop sitting on her 1yo sister. We don't actually have that many tantrums but this one was an absolute doozy. Apparently she was never going to play with us or talk to us again, she's never going to play with her sister again, if her sister comes near her she would hit her in the face, toys thrown across her bedroom onto floor, slamming doors!

I think it's a weird time, that kind of inbetween from toddler to school-age, where they aren't quite one or the other, and they have the impulses and lack of control of a toddler but with better communication.

She was very contrite after, came for a cuddle and said sorry and is exhausted, so it's hard on them too. It can't be nice feeling out of control, and I think it is mostly a way of trying to figure out what they can and can't control.

So no real suggestions, but solidarity! This too shall pass ...

I think you need to be specific with the sticker chart and do one goal at a time. When they’ve achieved enough stickers to get their reward hope the habit sticks and move on to a different thing. Stops the negotiating because it’s not defined what gets a reward and what doesn’t. This week it’s eating a vegetable with dinner, next week it’s tidying toys at the end of the day, etc. Or at least that worked well for us.

Also, I used tell mine it was perfectly ok to be angry but the rest of us didn’t want to hear her shouting because it hurt our ears so she could go to her room until she felt better- she had a little shout space which was a load of pillows in her teepee 😂 I think that one is child specific though, alone time definitely helped DD and trying to reason or reassure honestly wound her up more. Other kids may be different though!

So mine just turned 5 so we are just out of this bit. And with hindsight I think some of the problem was actually just me and DH and our expectations. They seem older than a toddler but tbh they're not, not mentally! They're just like bigger toddlers and I think that was part of our issue. Even now at 5 she seems obvious so grown up compared to my 1.5 yo but I find really thinking about the fact that she's only been on the planet for 5 years helps me adjust my expectations. Also focusing on how frustrated I am getting with her when I'm annoyed helps too - if I'm finding it difficult to manage my emotions, well she's only 5 so how much can I reasonably expect of her?

Before someone comes along to say theyre not babies/they need discipline etc etc I agree and mine does, but we do need to be kind and realistic. I'm not saying youre not either btw just definitely it was an issue for me and still sometimes is, I think.

I have a nearly 5 year old and the 4's have been challenging to say the least so I'm really hoping we are coming to end of this tricky phase. I also have a nearly 3 and nearly 1 year old so will be doing it all over again very soon!

That's a lot of talk of transition going on in nurseries/ preschools. It could be destabilizing. I've found our 4yos regressed a bit this term in terms of listening and following instructions!!

After the year of terror with a threenager having a four year old has been a breath of fresh air.

He's 4.5 and I find his willful disobedience, malicious compliance, calculated decisions and negotiation skills to be far more manageable. He's still a little horror at times but you can reason with him and some of the naughtiness is hilarious.

Only the other day I told him he wasn't allowed to do something and if he did it after being told not to then he would be on the naughty step. His immediate response was to ask for how many minutes and then see if he could negotiate a lower punishment which he might feel was worth it.

However, we don't have what @MerryMarigold identified in terms of transitions. We're currently not in the UK so we're not throwing a young child into an environment where he's expected to sit down and learn to read & write. He's still in preschool (and will be until 7) focussing on life and social skills.