Looking after 23 month old.... Advice please?

[Paranoid1stTimer]

My mate's DS is almost 2 and he is a gorgeous, clever, funny and extremely determined little boy. He is also very spoilt though and I an just looking for some advice on how to handle him when I am looking after him for her.

My mate thinks I am super strict when it comes to my ideas on how to handle certain situations. Obvioulsy when we are all together, she is his mummy and she can do whatever she wants - I don't jump in there and take over. It is just when she leaves him with me I try to deal with his behaviour differently to the way she does - and I only see him once in a blue moon but he is pretty out of control sometimes as he is allowed to do what he wants a lot of the time unless it means he is in any danger which obviously she wouldn't have happen.

Please don't take this post badly - I totally understand everyone has their different ways of dealing with looking after LO's and I am only expecting my 1st in a few weeks so have no experience of my own children - especially at such a difficult age - but I will give an example of what I mean so you can advise me on what you really think I should be doing...

Mate likes to keep all her DS toys in a big toybox to keep tidy which is cool. However, when I arrive she encourages him to pull every single toy out of toybox and he honestly ends up running from toy to toy in a total state with a concerned look on his face like he has lost something and she asks him "where's the train?" to which he runs to look for the train while she is getting out his little toy workbench then she instantly says "look! BAng bang bang" and hammers in a plastic shape on the work bench so he runs over to grab that off her while she goes and gets the train he was looking for and goes "choo choo" so he spins round all confused, runs to the train grabs that off her and she goes off to do something else leaving me with him running to every other toy he has previously pulled out not knowing whether he is coming or going.... When he is with me I try to get him to chose a toy he wants to play with, we will play with that and if he gets fed up and wants another one, I try to teach him to put away his first toy and then we will play with the next one for a bit. He stays much calmer. I don't know if I am just being too strict though and since I don't have him 24/7 it is easier for me to do this but it is easier for her to let him do what he wants.

Also, after he had run riot with every one of his toys, she then came back into the room and shouted at him a bit because the room was a complete mess. I also felt guilty but then thought "well she encouraged him and actually helped him pull everything out". She then decided he had to go for his afternoon nap - he was completely hyper - and put him in his cot. Obvioulsy he did not wanna sleep.

It is the same when we have to go to the supermarket. She likes to use the buggy instead of taking a basket or trolley so she lets him walk on his own. Naturally, he likes to pull every single item off the shelves in the supermarket - there were bags of sugar in a fancy display and he began to pull the bottom ones out while she walked ahead. I tried to take his hand and distract him with something else as all I could envisage was the whole sugar stack falling on him. He did the lying down on the floor screaming thing so my mate turned round and ran over giving me the dirtiest look.

Also, if anyone tries to talk to her then he does a constant siren like wail - he also does this when put in his buggy at all which is mainly why she uses the buggy as a trolley unless he gets sleepy and wants to get in himself.

I suppose at the end of the day this is nothing to do with me and I am sure some of you will want to tell me to F* off and mind my own business but it is just because I have to look after him on my own from time to time and will have him at the end of this week for a couple days and I am worried about how to handle this kind of behaviour since he takes no notice of you unless you want to play with him and I know he is very young but what kind of boundaries are you meant to set? How can I take him out if he refuses to get in his buggy? Do I just put him in the buggy and try to distract him or what should I do?

Sorry for such a huge post.... Please don't give me a hard time - she is a great mum and she loves him to bits. It is just so difficult to know what I should do when I am looking after him cos I know she would think anything I do to try and keep him under some kind of control would be too strict but I can't cope with him when she is around so how am I gonna cope on my own? I haven't had to look after him for some months so the last time he had just started walking and was pretty easy to handle. It must be the stage he is at getting his independence and starting to try to talk.

I have 2 children age 4 months and 2 years and my advice to you would be not to put yourself or this little boy under any unnecessary stress or stressful situations. If you are worried about how to 'handle' him when you go shopping, don't go! Order groceries on-line or get them in before he arrives.
If it's nice weather, take him out and let him run off some steam. If it's horrible weather, you could try swimming or a soft play?
I'd try not to change his routine too much - all kids pull out ALL their toys and then try to find the one thing that is bound to be missing! They have a short attention span.

Everyone does have their own parenting styles so try to stick to as much as possible what he knows - you did say that your friend was a great mum!

Relax a bit more and try to enjoy your time with him.

Hope this has given you some ideas.

P x

Thanks - I think I am just hormonal and panicking!!!

I guess I don't have much experience with 2 yr olds and he gets very frustrated when you can't understand him - obviously once he has a few useful words under his belt he will prob be a lot happier that he can get him point across.

Sometimes it's no wonder kids like to pick up swear words!!! They must be soooo p!ssed off about not being able to talk and tell you what they want (or don't want )

I won't be taking him shopping!!!

I thought when I first read your post that you would be looking after him long-term or as a childminder but I think re-reading that's not the case...?

If it's just the occasional one-off then I would say don't try to change his routine too much or "teach" him anything. You are in the lucky position of being able to have fun with him and hand him back at the end of the day to the real parent! Just go with the flow. It's different if you are going to be looking after him as a childminder, but it sounds like you're not, so you don't need to set up any rules or routine.

You may well find that he's more tractable with you anyway - children tend to test the people they love more than the ones they are unsure of iyswim, so he has probably already figured out that he can play up with your friend and still get a cuddle at the end of the day, he will be less sure of your limits.

In terms of practicalities, well, you do sometimes have to use main force with 2 year olds - I don't mean physical punishment or anything but they WILL wriggle and resist when you try to change their nappy, they WILL struggle when you try to strap them in the buggy, they WILL attempt to run off in the park. You just have to be patient, calm and just occasionally physically force them to do whatever you need them to do (eg sit down in their car seat so you can buckle them up). You can do this gently and calmly while singing a song or whatever, and in 2 seconds they will likely have even forgotten what they were cross about.

As JNSS says, relax and enjoy your time with him! Good luck!

I'm sure he will be fine with you children tend to be more relaxed with their mum and sure of her love regardless of what they do, whereas feel they need to earn it from someone else iyswim.

Ummm, also I think you are being the teensie weensiest judgemental. I have a 23mth old and sometimes he will tidy up toys with me and sometimes he won't. I don't find its something I need to get aggrivated about as it only takes a few minutes to tidy things up at the end of the day. I try not to go grocery shopping with him unless I really have to as from his perspective its probaby very dull.

Before I had DS I used to think that my friends child was very badly behaved but now I have my own toddler I try hard not to judge on inidvidual experiences, unless you are there 24/7, or its obvious abuse, then its really hard to truly understand how other families tick.

You are a great person to volunteer to look after her son though, she is lucky to have you as a friend.

I'd talk with her about this, as it seems you're not singing from same hymn sheet, as it were, & thus confusing child with different ways of handling him.
It may be tricky but at end of day, you're looking after him for her & want to do the best job you can, I imagine.
Also, if you're due yourself v soon, are you still going to mind him then, cos you'll have your hands full with your own.
I'd def talk with her, on a casual, non confrontational level. If I was leaving ds with friend & she was having a few probs with the way she was handling him compared to me, I'd much rather we talked about it & agreed on how to handle certain situations, otherwise the poor fella won't know what's going on.
Personally, I think way you're handling him sounds way I hanlde/play with my 22mth ds. Talk & see what she says.
Remember you're the one doing her a favour (?) by looking after him so if it all satrts going pear-shaped you may not want to look after him & that wd be a shame for all (?).

Oh yes, just read theyoungvisiter & I agree.
Though you looking after him regularly/long term but if you're not then maybe it's just something you'll have to tolerate when you see him, as you're not in a position to change how she handles him once in a while.

Thought (not though! soz!)

Thanks again. I read over my HUGE post again and was concerned that everyone would think I am just being a total cow about my mate but I promise I am not and I have no idea how I would cope with him 24/7.

No, I don't child mind him on a regular or long term basis, just when she needs a wee break to herself or time with her DH or whatever but I think he is reaching that stage where he is starting to test the boundaries and everything and I am worried in case he starts acting up with me too.

I am being judgemental - you are right. I aint with him 24/7 so have no idea what it must be like to deal with him all day long and I know she finds it very tough but she is doing really well. I think it is just probably the thought that I can't run after him and pick him up if he runs off suddenly which is making me a little less tolerant than usual. I just thought it would be good to get some outside perspective.

I'll def take your advice and just go with the flow. It is hard to know where to draw the line sometimes between letting them run around and tire themselves out or calm them before they get a little too out of control.. I suppose I will learn soon enough!!!

Thanks for the feedback - totally appreciate it

I think you can probably set your own rules for your house (within reason, obviously ). Being consistent is good, but children adapt well to different people,different rules. I think its when it one person, constantly changing rules they find difficult. Not sure if that makes sense.

At g'mas house dd must put away one toy before getting another out. At home I don't care how many toys are out as long as they all go away at the end of the day. At g'mas house the cat is not to be touched, at home she plays rough and tumble with the dogs. She is nearly 2yrs old.

I think a parent has limitless unconditional love, and often accepts more. As the child carer I think you can try and make life a little easier and less stressful on yourself by imposing rules for things that are important to you.