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Parenting

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Original poster

AITA - Attending funeral vs babysitting

12 replies

Newhere1000 · 05/05/2023 23:28

Just after a temperature check to see if im
been unreasonable.

we recently lost my FIL and funeral arrangements are been made. The family live 100 miles away in a town they are new too and don’t know anyone other than the daughter of someone they used to live near. Whom I have never met.

my DS is 5. My in laws have suggested that the funeral would not be suitable for my DS to attend but the above person has “sorted it” so he is looked after. My SO says this is either with the person I’ve not met or a childminder in the local area.

I feel very unhappy with this arrangement. I don’t want to leave my DS with people I don’t know or have not choose. I have no family to have my child for 1-2 nights while we attend the funeral nor are we in a position to ask friends (live away or recently had babies themselves).

my SO has said he wants me to attend but at the moment I can’t see me attending without my DS. I very much want to say goodbye and support my SO and family.

I know I am going have to discuss this with the family but not sure if AITA in this situation?

OP posts:

IfDreamsWereWings · 05/05/2023 23:35

I wouldn’t leave my child that age with a virtual stranger either. I also wouldn’t want my child to attend a funeral at that age. Do you have any trusted friends you can leave him with?

WestOfWestminster · 05/05/2023 23:45

You know your own child, if you are comfortable taking them to the funeral just do that. I don't think 5 is too young particularly if you know you can support them through it.

Perhaps your inlaws are concerned the 5 year old will make noise/be annoying at the funeral? You could reassure them you'll take them out if needed and offer to sit at the back?

I'd not be happy leaving a 5 year old with a stranger either

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 05/05/2023 23:47

I wouldn't leave my child with a stranger either. My 5 year olds have been to funerals. Why shouldn't they say goodbye to their GF? They were fine.

NameChange30 · 05/05/2023 23:47

Tricky. I wouldn't want to leave my 5yo with a stranger either. If I were you I would take DC to the funeral, if necessary take something to occupy them quietly and discretely, and be prepared to step out with 5yo if needed. However, most 5yos should be able to sit quietly for the duration as long as it's not toooo long. You can also talk to them about death and funerals beforehand in an age-appropriate way. It's not ideal to take them but it's not the end of the world either.

FromDespairToHere · 05/05/2023 23:50

I don't understand why funerals aren't suitable for children. Death is a part of life and imo your DS should be able to say goodbye to his DGF. I know everyone is different but I honestly don't get it. I also wouldn't be leaving my 5yo with a stranger.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/05/2023 23:52

I wouldn't have been happy leaving my dd with a stranger at that age, either.

If you think your ds could cope with the funeral, then take him with you. If he would struggle, then you might have to give your apologies. There is nothing wrong with children of that age attending funerals, but all children respond to these things differently.

NotMyDayJob · 05/05/2023 23:52

I wouldn't leave my five year old with strangers but also think five is old enough to go to a funeral. This is their relative too. I went to my grandma's funeral when I was three, I actually have some very precious memories of it.

SH23B · 06/05/2023 00:02

I would take my child with me. My 3 year old was able to understand he needed to keep quiet at my grandmother's funeral and whilst it was upsetting, death is a part of life and there is no need to hide it from children.

MaggieFS · 06/05/2023 00:30

100 miles isn't that far. Two hours' drive? And is DC at school normally? Can you go to support/ be there just for the service and leave DH to stay on?

Ponderingwindow · 06/05/2023 00:36

I would not leave a 5yo with a stranger.

there is really no reason you and the 5yo can’t be at the funeral. Whether or not you sit up front with your spouse depends on your child. If you think a quick exit might be needed, sit at the back. You will still be available to be by your spouse’s side at other times during the day.

EmmiJay · 06/05/2023 00:44

Would it not be easier to meet the family at the wake? Just join them later? You can still be there for your partner and such. I wouldn't be leaving my child with strangers, especially overnight😬

pizzaHeart · 06/05/2023 01:02

Why do you need to be away for 2 nights if it’s 100 miles away? Is it because of not driving or because of how funeral is arranged?
I wouldn’t leave my child at this age with a stranger. I also wouldn’t take him to the funeral personally but others may disagree.
Can you come and stay with your child, then just join for a brief goodbuy while he is with your partner and then swap again?
Are you going to stay with family or in a hotel? I suppose if in a hotel it doesn’t matter for others will you come with your child or not unless they expect you to join for everything. If you are staying with family you have to check with them how many of you come.

Sorry for your loss. Hope you’ll find how to resolve this and say goodbye to your FIL.

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