Eldest hates youngest

[OnTheGoAlways]

Hello, I know I will be judged for my circumstances, but I am a good, if flawed human and I am really stuck, again.

My sons are 12&8, they have different Fathers, I was with ds1 Dad for 7 years and DS2 dad for 3 years, I have been on my own for nearly 7 years since as I know the set up is far from ideal.

DS1 HATES DS2, he bullies him, hits him, calls him names, takes his stuff, it is excruciating to see. DS2 is expected to be diagnosed with ASD and has terrible anxiety, he is incredibly loving and affectionate with me, but has had many issues at school and cannot attend wrap around care. DS2 loves his brother, but often asks for a break by staying with my mum one night every so often and staying at his Dad's every weekend, he tries to come up with solutions to make himself more likeable. DS2 has a play therapist and regularly speaks about how much his brother hurts him, he also tells teachers and professionals, it is at the forefront of his mind. I understand DS1 was embarrassed by his younger brother in primary school, but now they are in different schools I expected things to improve, but they aren't, there worse than ever. DS1 is clearly unhappy and I can sense he is ashamed of DS2 and I as his best friends families are much more white picket fence. I understand thah.The household is miserable, I am exhausted and sad.

DS1 sees his Dad every other weekend, he doesn't particularly love being there as his Dad is strict and "scary". DS2 loves his Dad but he shares a room with his step brothers who are older and game constantly. Neither is ideal.

I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for splitting us up, I already feel as though I have failed them multiple times, but I don't know what to do. Things cannot go on. I have spoken to DS1 and it may improve for a couple of hours, maybe a day, then it falls back.i just do not know what to do. Ant advice at all would be hugely appreciated.

Have you punished your eldest in any way, rather than just talking to him?

@aSofaNearYou I have taken away devices etc. I admit I am not great at discipline, I thought kindness would prevail but I am wrong. I already feel bad for my children that I haven't provided the family I wanted to for them.

Has DS1 been assessed by anyone? His lack of empathy seems quite extreme. Or has he had counselling? He may have found it difficult when you and his father split and then you had DS2 with a different dad - maybe he felt excluded somehow, of less loved? I don't know really but could be worth putting the focus on him rather than DS2.

What do you mean ‘split us up’? You absolutely can’t have that as an option at all - you don’t get to bail out, you have to step up. Your 12 yo needs you as a constant and reassuring presence in his life. I would talk to school and the GP and try and access some help or counselling for him. A lot of secondaries are buying in some counselling now. If his Dad is ‘scary’ is contact actually helpful? I can’t imagine a child being happy with someone who scared them. Can you and DS1 spend time just the two of you without DS2, I think you need to make this happen. I know how much of a time drain an ASD child can be, he may feel completely sidelined. Additionally are there any signs he may also have additional needs?

I know a family who have similar issues whom I have know since the boys were babies. They are teens now.

I have observed over the years that the younger one gets a lot more attention from his Mum who has been very critical of the older one. Younger one has had minor health issues which resulted in the extra attention. There were also times when I saw the younger one deliberately get his brother into trouble by goading him when his Mum wasn't looking. I tried to tell her but she wouldn't listen.

I'm not saying it's the same in your situation but just illustrating that what others see from the outside can be different to your own perception when in the thick of it.

@RoseThornside I have a family counsellor who comes once a week term time, I have asked DS1 to attend lots, counsellor also wrote him a letter, but he absolutely will not entertain it at all.

When DS2 is away, DS1 and I always plan and do things together. I do understand that DS2 is treated slightly differently, which I imagine is part of the territory with these things. DS1 thinks DS2 has ruined our lives (which isn't true) because he has caused a lot of worry and stress and I have had to change jobs 4 times to accommodate time table changes/lack of after school care.

You have to get better at discipline and consequences, whether it comes naturally or not is a moot point your children need you to get better. Within your home they need to both feel loved and respected, at all times. My children are technically half siblings - but if their behaviour had ever been anything less than brotherly/sisterly I would have squashed it in a second as this is my family, we are complete. Regardless of any labels put on us by outside (adhd/autism/physical disabilities/half sibling etc).
You can change things from right now onwards.

@Sundaefraise I do step up, I don't see it as bailing out, I want everyone to be happy. I also don't believe his Dad is scary, but more so that he is stricter and holds DS1 accountable.

I do give DS1 attention,of course, and ferry him around and do all the things parents do, I am regularly being told by other family that I do "too much" (which I don't agree with, I just wanted to be a better parent)

I watched DS2 brush his teeth this morning, glance at DS1 and because of that, DS1 stormed over and kicked DS2. He constantly calls him fat and chubby and whacks him. It has been like this for over a year, we are not functioning as a family. Everyday I have new hope, we go and do something lovely, but it doesn't matter where we are, what we're doing, the fights and arguments occur.

What do you do when he hits his brother??

I tell him off, I shout sometimes.

How did you discipline him when he did that?
You need to be structured and consistent I'm how you do it or he thinks there's no consequences. I would have suggested hormones and typical teen moods played into it but he's been like this a while but it may only ramp it up. I'd assume you're very soft on him if he thinks his dad's scary for having consequences to things. Maybe ask just dad how he disciplines and work together to help things with you in your home.
You are very hard on yourself for splitting up your family but it's got to be better than an unhappy household. The more you hold onto that thinking the more the boys will feel the fractures. But you can't let your feelings get in the way of discipline in this as it's not fair on the youngest or you.

What circumstances??
Two different dads ??
Who the fuck judges that ??
Get that bollocks out of your head for starters

Ds1's behaviour is completely unacceptable. He is assaulting his brother. He is above the age of criminal responsibility. How would he feel if someone disliked you and kicked you? Why does he think his behaviour is okay? Would he hit and kick another child at school? Would he do it to a teacher? Then you know that he can control his behaviour when he wants to.

Telling him off isn't working. Ask him what would happen if the police came to the house to talk to him about assaulting his brother? He clearly has issues, why is he not willing to talk to the counsellor? What is he so afraid of?

Quite frankly, as the parent of late teen boys your oldest is going to get bigger and stronger fast, he could seriously hurt his brother, perhaps doing permanent damage. He is a safeguarding risk to him.

You need to be really hard on him, how would he feel if you had a boyfriend who did this to you when you annoyed or upset him? Talk to him. You need to make him see that violence is not the answer. All this embarrassed by his brother bullshit and you agreeing that it was embarrassing is not right. I would be much more ashamed to admit my son was violent towards a younger child. Name calling is abusive and it needs to stop now. How would Ds1 feel if he got the crap beaten out of him at home, his safe place to land and you stood by and did nothing but shout? He needs to understand that you love them both and will not tolerate this violence and name calling anymore. The white picket fence reference is worrying. Are you suggesting that your eldest is of a better class than Ds2? Get help from wherever you can to sort this out.

And stop beating yourself up for your relationships not working out. Move forward, stop looking backwards. Relationships often don't work out. You are not alone.

I watched DS2 brush his teeth this morning, glance at DS1 and because of that, DS1 stormed over and kicked DS2.
Are you absolutely sure there is nothing going on like @Mumski45 says? That was my first thought re situation as well, as your example here is pretty extreme reaction to simply being 'looked at'!

Which isnt working. You are a people pleaser but this is unsustainable. Your eldest needs to be held accountable for his actions. Have school referred SS action at the youngests disclosures?

You are effectively enabling the abuse of your youngest with the sheer lack of discipline.

DS1 has never really had issues at school, other than struggling with reading, he's never really got into any bother, so I don't know if his behaviour can be pathologised? I think he's sad, lonely and ashamed more so.

I don't even know where to get help from? I don't know why he won't talk to the counsellor. We had social work referral, but nothing came of it,just some leaflets. High school has a support service but again DS1 will not entertain it.

I so badly don't want our life to look the way it does now.

I know you don't want to hear it OP but he sounds like a sociopath!!

For starters, you don’t ‘ask’ your son to attend the family counselling, you tell him he is attending.

Do you know DS1’s friends parents ? What kind of discipline methods they use ? At that age they’re likely to be very similar (removal of devices etc). That might be a good starting point for you, as he seems to idolize these families a little, he can’t complain about the same treatment as his friends.

Otherwise, does DS1 have hobbies ? I’d be keeping him as busy as possible for a while.

Maybe offer him a project like completely redecorating his room (agree a budget with his dad, a coat of paint + hours on Amazon to sort out the cheap crap doesn’t cost a lot, of course that is relative to your finances, but I’ve done it and it was ok). Is there a specific device he wants ? Clothes ? Can you give him ‘bigger’ chores (away from DS2, like gardening or washing the car) to earn money for it ?
He’s also at an age to have the typical pre teen safeguarding conversations, he’ll réalise they are at different stages of life.
Basically, the idea is give a go at separating his identity completely from his brother, he seems too enmeshed with whatever his 8yo sibling is doing. And trying to give him agency in constructing that.

For disciplining, just say violence isn’t acceptable in this home, under any condition. And be consistent. Also I’d be careful not to ‘rank’ the level of violence because as PP have said he is likely to quickly be increasingly stronger in comparison and could unintentionally cause serious harm.

At the same time, the rest keeps him busy (they probably do need time apart to reset effectively), and reminds him he’s growing up, and has agency over his own life, and focusing so much time on his younger sib resentment is a waste of it.

Hobbies with a strong sense of community, like team sports, can be good to build a sense of identity. I’m F so I danced competitively from toddler to above his age, and it occupied a huge part of my ‘thoughts’ (you mentioned changing jobs and hours so I would think this may have impacted you financially, which he may resent also vs the white picket fences (apologies if I’m assuming incorrectly), I’m only mentioning this because we weren’t rich so yes horse riding for ex was out, but there are plenty of hobbies he can do without breaking the bank ; if he happens to be talented he may get accès to money help funds, although I wouldn’t mention that as it’s a bit too much pressure I’d think).
Ive worked with children in care for over a decade, so their activities tend to be funded, but really the funding follows the same reasoning, it goes for cheaper activities, so please don’t hesitate if you have questions regarding costs/benefits of sports. Last thing : we don’t do boxing anymore because we have had a couple of incidents where it could have gone badly wrong, and as he clearly currently has no impulse control, we only allow martial arts (for his age group and above at least, the younger ones have more freedom)

Why is he sad lonely and ashamed? Does he have friends? The ashamed thing needs nipped in the bud right away, tell him the only thing he has to be ashamed of at the minute is his behaviour and maje him go to family counselling. You need to be tougher before this escalates even further because at the minute he seems to think he can do what he wants.
My daughter is 12 but tall and way stronger than her 8 year old brother. Shes pushed him a fee times that could have caused him to be badly hurt that I felt went beyond sibling stuff. The first time she had a stern talking to and the second she got devices away with another form talking to that she can't take her moods out on her brother. I've told her each time the repercussions will be higher/longer and she knows I'll hold firm on it as it's a safety issue.