Difficult evenings with older kids

[thirdistheonewiththehairychest]

Hoping someone can give me some tips/wisdom/perspective as appropriate!

When the kids were little, the days were crazy but then they went to bed at 7pm and the evening was ours. Now they are older, they are going to bed later but still young enough that they are 'needy'. And we (and especially my DH) are struggling with the lack of downtime.

Our evening routine is:
6:30 dinner
7pm everyone helps tidy up
8pm bedtime for the 5yo
9pm bedtime for the 10yo (although she is often awake until 11pm - suspected ASD and lots of drama about going to sleep)
9:30 bedtime for the 12yo

I think that sounds quite sensible, but the 7-10pm slot is becoming increasingly difficult as the kids are often either pratting about, whipping each other up into a frenzy, making a huge mess with craft projects, wanting supper (more mess), wanting to go out for a walk... And in the nicest way, we'd prefer if they just went to bed!

How do parents of (slightly) older kids manage the evenings without them just becoming an extension of the daytime? The 5yo and 10yo share a room so the 10yo can't occupy herself upstairs while her sister is going to sleep. And we try to have screens off an hour before bed so don't really want to resort to that either.

It feels like we're longing for the teenage years when they will apparently disappear into their rooms...and that makes me sad.

First of all I’d put the 2 oldest together in the same room. Then they can spend some time in there. Pretty soon, they’re not going to want to be in the same space as you! Other than that, this is your life until they leave home 😳

5 and 10 yf old in same room won't work. They need separate spacee

This is just how this stage is. You lose your evenings for ten years, but they’ll come back.

Mine are 10&12. They tend to just chill in the evenings ( watch tv etc) as they don’t get home till 6. At 8:30 it’s screens off, they go and have showers and then they can read, draw, play guitar, hang out in their rooms etc. but downstairs is off limits. Sometimes they are knackered and passed out by 9. Sometimes they read till 10ish.

While I think you have to be realistic given fairly big spread of ages, room sharing and the eldest’s sleep issues, I would knock craft projects and complicated suppers on the head. Banana or a yoghurt if they’re still hungry after dinner.

im kind of impressed that they actively ask to go for a walk though 🤥

You're not "losing your evenings" This is what evenings as a family look like. Incidentally-why are 5 and 10 sharing? Wouldn't 10 and 12 sharing be easier?

Re room sharing potentially it’s B/G?? OP mentioned middle one is a girl but not the other two.

Melatonin massively helped my autistic DC of a similar age fall asleep much easier.

Can you get them all up earlier in the morning and go for a walk (dog?) so they are more tired at night?

Or instigate a reward system for anyone who is upstairs and in bed with a book half an hour before bed time?

I don’t think they are too old for collective story telling either although the 12 year old will protest initially , they may become engaged if you choose the right book?

Other than that I think this time of the summer is notoriously difficult for getting dc off to sleep when it’s light outside and stuffy etc.

I do remember the drudgy feeling of never having an evening alone with your other half though when you have been used to that, and it is hard, so I do sympathise! I think you have done very well to manage having that up to now tbh.

Some other suggestions are: you and your dh go upstairs to bed earlier and sacrifice your evening downstairs, in order to get the dc up earlier.

Can you stretch to a weekly baby-sister? If so, try and introduce a weekend morning or afternoon when you have just have time alone with your dh while the baby sitter takes the dc out or you and your dh go out? Or ask a friend or relative to take over for a couple of hours when you can.

Definitely a time to re-instigate a weekly or fortnightly date night too if you are not doing so already and ring fence it.

Failing that, try and find an activity on a Saturday morning such as climbing or trampolining that all three dc can do together (not easy!) while you and your dh have a long coffee together.

Its really important to schedule that connected time with your dh whenever you can manage it.

Same problem here. 12yr old DD goes to bed at 9.30 and DS at 10/10.15 depending on how tired he is. Weekends are harder as they want to stay up later. No time to watch any TV that I want. I read at the same time as them, with DD next to me cos she wants to spend time with us. DS sometimes wants to chat at 10 pm!

Enjoy it. My dd 15 is rarely downstairs these days.

This is just how this stage is. You lose your evenings for ten years, but they’ll come back.

'fraud so. It will not change.