Mother in law

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 04/05/2023 20:18

Mil isn't happy with hubby so she contacts through me to see her grandchild

This isn't on. You need time to recover, heal and be with your baby.

Next time MIL contacts you, apologise, tell her you're busy today and suggest she calls DH and keep doing it until she gets the message.

This mess isn't for you to sort out.

Original poster

strawberryS22 · 04/05/2023 21:49

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto we've told her that she she said ' but having a baby is such a special time ' she feels put out she has to message to come over as she did 6 days in a row just turning up when I got out of hospital and by day 6 this was when my husband said she must text first.

She is a very down depressed women and I have tried to support her but I don't think she's supported us very well

When she visits it's like having a guest and I just don't enjoy her company anymore

She doesn't see that i have to heal as all her births she was up and about within days

Also her babies never cried ( mine has colic reflux and possible cmpa so trying a different milk ) and she says annoying things like
Baby will sleep when they sleep
It's like she hasn't been a mum sometimes !

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SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 04/05/2023 22:00

Just don't answer the door, phones calls or messages. You don't have to entertain her or listen to her troubles. You need to concentrate on your LO and your DH should be telling her to give you a break.

LittleOwl153 · 04/05/2023 22:17

Don't undermind your husband by contact with his mother when she won't deal with him because she doesnt like his responses.

Tell her once more that you are healing and she needs to contact him. Then BLOCK her. Don't answer her calls, messages or the door if you are home alone or he doesn't want to. You need to establish some boundaries and stop letting this miserable woman walk all over you.

Original poster

strawberryS22 · 05/05/2023 07:46

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 04/05/2023 22:00

Just don't answer the door, phones calls or messages. You don't have to entertain her or listen to her troubles. You need to concentrate on your LO and your DH should be telling her to give you a break.

Is that not a bit rude ?

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Original poster

strawberryS22 · 05/05/2023 07:51

LittleOwl153 · 04/05/2023 22:17

Don't undermind your husband by contact with his mother when she won't deal with him because she doesnt like his responses.

Tell her once more that you are healing and she needs to contact him. Then BLOCK her. Don't answer her calls, messages or the door if you are home alone or he doesn't want to. You need to establish some boundaries and stop letting this miserable woman walk all over you.

But my husband doesnt what that, otherwise I can see why it looks like that

He wanted me to facilitate contact so she could have contact with our baby

Admittedly he did talk to her after she was too intense and it did get better but slow after time I think she's using me a bit of a sounding block

She brings cakes and outfits for the baby and then how are you etc then its tears
It's very difficult when we were so close before hand and I feel close to her like a mum so it's difficult to just block and not answer the door !

Is there a way of not explaining so that she can understand ? Say she needs to sort things with her son ? Is it for me to him to say ?

She's a broken depressed women who's mentioned she sometimes feels like ending it and as a mum I'm trying to support her and by which is supporting my husband

I don't want him cutting off his mum if he feels it can be fixed ? She hasn't been all bad

It's like she is trying or said words to that affect but then slowly she falls back

Shall I tell her that this isn't any good ? When we've tried it's like she fails to understand so if there any point?

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Original poster

strawberryS22 · 05/05/2023 07:51

And I do agree about boundaries
I do feel she is over stepping them
It's how we move forward from this

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GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 05/05/2023 07:57

Why is it YOUR job to facilitate contact with HIS mother? Sod that for a game of soldiers, you've got enough on your plate.

If he wants his mum to see her grandchild, he take the baby to her - and listen to her moaning himself!

Original poster

strawberryS22 · 05/05/2023 08:11

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 05/05/2023 07:57

Why is it YOUR job to facilitate contact with HIS mother? Sod that for a game of soldiers, you've got enough on your plate.

If he wants his mum to see her grandchild, he take the baby to her - and listen to her moaning himself!

It's not my job, it's just something we discussed together so our daughter wouldn't miss out on having a grandmother - it's all very raw and new so I'm probably not explaining it very well

I offered and I thought I was doing the right thing as I say she's not an evil person but she's not in the right frame of mind and as for supporting us she doesn't see she isn't which is frustrating
She things by bringing cakes flowers and food is support, whilst that's lovely I'd rather not have it and have her not cry and get over her dramas

I've suggested counselling and she was almost disgusted 🙄she's an old school
Old lady and quite set in her ways

I think I know the answer.....maybe we have to detach ?

My husband works 12 hr days
And I'm home on maternity leave and she lives 5 mins so I guess it's just easier

We have always texted often, met up, had a lovely relationship so I guess that part doenst feel alien for her

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SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/05/2023 08:30

I've suggested counselling and she was almost disgusted 🙄she's an old school Old lady and quite set in her ways

I think I know the answer.....maybe we have to detach

She sounds very much like my M. Depressed but unwilling to do anything about helping herself. You can't fix her if she's unwilling to seek help herself and you'll drive yourself into the ground trying.

You say you've had a discussion with your DH and agreed that you'll help to facilitate your LO and MIL having a relationship.

I think it's time to tell him that it's not working for you, you need time to heal and recover and to get to know your LO.

Lots of us posting seem to have experience of toxic family members. What we suggesting you do isn't rude, we're giving you advice to try and protest you.

After all she doesn't seem to care that she's being highly inconsiderate of how you feel is she?

Original poster

strawberryS22 · 05/05/2023 08:36

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/05/2023 08:30

I've suggested counselling and she was almost disgusted 🙄she's an old school Old lady and quite set in her ways

I think I know the answer.....maybe we have to detach

She sounds very much like my M. Depressed but unwilling to do anything about helping herself. You can't fix her if she's unwilling to seek help herself and you'll drive yourself into the ground trying.

You say you've had a discussion with your DH and agreed that you'll help to facilitate your LO and MIL having a relationship.

I think it's time to tell him that it's not working for you, you need time to heal and recover and to get to know your LO.

Lots of us posting seem to have experience of toxic family members. What we suggesting you do isn't rude, we're giving you advice to try and protest you.

After all she doesn't seem to care that she's being highly inconsiderate of how you feel is she?

I told him that last night and he said to cut her off so I guess it's just something in me making sure I do the right thing

Thank you and to others for the advice
It's just been a long time coming and I think it's taken having a baby to realise it's so wrong and I don't want her being affected which she will if this carries on

You're right she doesn't want to help herself
She's blinkered and can't see that this isn't actually helping me and my recovery

I do feel it's sad but I guess having a toxic family member in our unit is damaging and I do recognise that

It's good to talk it through

Thank you

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SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/05/2023 08:41

Having a toxic family member isn't a good thing to have around your DD either.

We're LC with my M and we use her often batty and very self absorbed behaviour as an example of what happens if you don't seek help when you have a MH problem.

Original poster

strawberryS22 · 05/05/2023 08:47

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/05/2023 08:41

Having a toxic family member isn't a good thing to have around your DD either.

We're LC with my M and we use her often batty and very self absorbed behaviour as an example of what happens if you don't seek help when you have a MH problem.

I totally get that - well enough is enough now this can't go on

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Mamabear04 · 05/05/2023 10:14

Before she starts getting upset could you set a clear boundary, something like, "would you mind if we didn't talk about DH/DSIL today? I'm feeling very exhausted and I'm struggling with post partum x, y and z" and then just start talking about yourself before completing steering the conversation to something else? If she goes back to herself then just make an excuse for her to leave.

You need to look after yourself, you've been through a lot. That is not selfish or rude!

Original poster

strawberryS22 · 05/05/2023 10:19

Mamabear04 · 05/05/2023 10:14

Before she starts getting upset could you set a clear boundary, something like, "would you mind if we didn't talk about DH/DSIL today? I'm feeling very exhausted and I'm struggling with post partum x, y and z" and then just start talking about yourself before completing steering the conversation to something else? If she goes back to herself then just make an excuse for her to leave.

You need to look after yourself, you've been through a lot. That is not selfish or rude!

Yes I could do that. To be honest I haven't and just sat there and listened so she isn't a mind reader

But I was looking for some ways to try get through to her - I feel we can't go on in this horrid limbo. But she definitely can't keep going over it. I enjoy here company when she's not going on about it. So half the visit is always pleasant! Maybe that's because of the cakes 🤣. But I do want this resolved

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Mamabear04 · 05/05/2023 14:13

@strawberryS22 like you said she's not a mind reader so tell her how hard its been. I lost 2L of blood with DS and had covid for 10 days before the birth and then had to go into surgery. My own mum didn't understand and was upset when I told her the full extent months later. I think I just thought she would know but turns out she didn't at all! Sounds like maybe your MIL would be a good support to you if she understood the reality of your situation. Look after yourself but also let others look after you too, you've been through a lot!

Skybluepinky · 05/05/2023 15:17

Just tell her to contact her son, if she wants to visit say we’ll let u know when it’s convenient.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 05/05/2023 15:54

But I was looking for some ways to try get through to her - I feel we can't go on in this horrid limbo.

If she's that self absorbed you simply won't get through to her. You need boundaries to protect yourselves.

A couple of things I do with my M is to only see her at her home or at a neutral venue. That way you can leave when the negativity starts.

Talk about neutral topics like who she's seen today and what she's had for tea.

Steer negative conversations away to the neutral stuff.

Give clear expectations of time, like "I'll come at 2 for a cup of tea but after that I have to leave to get to the Post Office." That way you are visiting her and she knows that you won't be there all day.

Original poster

strawberryS22 · 05/05/2023 17:03

Mamabear04 · 05/05/2023 14:13

@strawberryS22 like you said she's not a mind reader so tell her how hard its been. I lost 2L of blood with DS and had covid for 10 days before the birth and then had to go into surgery. My own mum didn't understand and was upset when I told her the full extent months later. I think I just thought she would know but turns out she didn't at all! Sounds like maybe your MIL would be a good support to you if she understood the reality of your situation. Look after yourself but also let others look after you too, you've been through a lot!

I already have !

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bussteward · 05/05/2023 17:05

I don't know how to support her without this consuming me
Don’t! Put your own oxygen mask on first. Your job is your baby and your recovery. Now is not the time to be adopting a lame duck MIL.

Eggseggseverywhere · 05/05/2023 17:08

Yabu to go against your dh's wishes. He knows her best.
Suggest she sees her GP and then step back.

Original poster

strawberryS22 · 05/05/2023 18:17

Eggseggseverywhere · 05/05/2023 17:08

Yabu to go against your dh's wishes. He knows her best.
Suggest she sees her GP and then step back.

I haven't gone against his wishes
I wish people would read the post properly before commenting
She won't see her gp she doesn't think she needs help!

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