Post Divorce Communication

[AVeryTryingDad]

Hi all,

I need some advice. Communication with my ex is poor at best, I am receiving very little information about our kids and and it's now starting to affect them. It was suggested we communicate on a regular basis about how the kids are but she is failing to do this.

To try and help her, I have said I will try and come up with some kind of reminders/discussion points on things which would be important for me to know about the kids lives, and I was wondering what the community felt would be appropriate and helpful to ask for.

I am really struggling to get information from her, it is affecting me, and I know the kids are missing out on activities with friends because of her lack of communication.

Please can you help?

Thank you in advance

So no one answered?

Nothing yet. I can only live in hope

How is communication now @AVeryTryingDad?

Do you have a specific means of communication like an email address?

Do you send a weekly email asking how the DC are and what they are up to?

What sort of activities do they miss out on?

Your children's mother is not your secretary or admin so you need to be specific about what you ask her in relation to your children and make it clear what you are going to do with the information. You should also contact the relevant professionals e.g. school involved in the children's welfare yourself.

So for social things you need to ask her specific questions by email. Make sure you ask weeks preferably at least 4 weeks in advance. As most activities and parties for children under 11, are generally organised weeks in advance.

So for example this week send an email along the lines of "Has [child 1's name] and [child 2's name] received any invites to parties on the weekends/days they are with me in November? If they have sent them with a copy of the invite so I can accept on their behalf and take them."

In regards to things like schooling then contact their school yourself, inform the school that you are their father, (be willing to prove it by showing a copy of their birth certificates) and ask for your email address to be put on the parents list. Then liaise directly with the school over their education. The school will default to contacting their mother first, but you aren't stopped getting information out of the school.

I can see why she doesn't want more work to do.

My ex and I have been split for over 10 years and he's not even registered with the school. iIt's only just dawned to him that when I told him to get term dates from the school website, they are really there. Our youngest is 17 and he doesn't even know that end of October is half term. Register with school and read the newsletter so you have conversation starting points like dressing up for Children in Need or whatever.

Missing out on activities with friends- do you mean that you're not able to take them to parties because you don't know about them ? If your child is the type to lose an invitation the moment that it's handed to them then that's not ex's fault. Is she declining parties on your weekends automatically?

How old are the kids? Are they old enough to send you a photo of invitations so you have a record?

It really depends on what information you want and what activities they're missing out on. She's not obliged to communicate with you.

How old are the children? Assuming you see them regularly, what info are you missing out on? Tbh if my xh had sent me a list of pointers for things I should consider feeding back on, I'd have been apoplectic.

How old are the DC?

In terms of what's going on with their lives generally, unless very young, they can tell you themselves when you call them or see them.

You need to know about key things - such as important future plans (which might impact on availability) and general activities (so you can deliver them to the right places if there are parties or activities during their time with you).

YY to getting information directly from schools and clubs wherever possible.

However, you may need to be specifically told about their social lives (eg invitations) and any health issues. You also need ways in which you can discuss important decisions (school applications, treatment options if unwell etc) plus things that may need negotiation (how to split holidays, what to do at birthdays, Christmas etc)

As pointed out, it's not her role to do all the admin. So it's a good thing that you're doing the thinking about this, and I hope you will find a way that is easy for you both to update. Have you taken on responsibility for any aspects - eg dentistry - so that it's not going to end up in the situation that she's doing everything plus has to tell you.

I am assuming your kids are primary school age.

I can appreciate it is frustrating but is this just a withdrawal of wife work?

Is it a case that she has done it all for you up to now, and you have taken it for granted. (Hence the divorce). What would you do if she was run over by a bus- you would have to get off your bum and do it yourself: talk to the teachers/sports coaches; get on the parents WhatsApp groups. Find out the names and contact details of the other parents. Maybe even the name of their GP.

It will be pretty galling for her if you have not done your fair share for years (in effect sponged from her) and now have expectations that she will make you look like Dad of the year.

If you have ever taken the information she gives you as an excuse to have a go at her, then your forfeit the right to be helped at all. Your comment that it’s now affecting the kids is going to go down like cold sick with a wife.

Like others have said please maximize the amount you do for yourself so as not to impinge on her time.

What would she say if she was replying to this?

Dont know why you are getting a hard time.
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for information, I wish my ex husband would.

Ask for their red books, or a photocopy of so you know when vaccines are due.

Ask about party invites on a weekly basis, kids tend to just leave them in the school bag and are too young to take responsibility for them.

Clarify their last optician, dentist appointment and offer to make the next.

Don't pester the school for updates, they have enough to do, however you can also they add you to the email list and see if they use an app to communicate. Download it.

Parents evening will have to be fine together, your ex will need to suck it up as they only offer one slot or child for two people to attend.

Try and get yourself added to the class WhatsApp group

That's completely untrue. You can have separate parents evening. I had a separate parents evening entirely from my ex.

How often do you see your children, OP?