Difference in opinions

[AmyJayne98]

Hiya its my first time making a post on here. I'm so sorry with how long winded this is.

I'm currently 39 weeks pregnant with our first baby. I dont know if my feelings are normal or not but currently feel very overwhelmed, emotional and very all over the place. This topic tipped me over the edge tonight this is what was said:

I brought up the topic of me going to see Harry Styles next month with friends (which I feel like I dont want to go anymore) and my other half mentioned his mum and dad having our baby overnight. He will only be a few weeks old, the thought of him being away from me and his dad makes me so sad and panicky. My MIL made a comment of how I'm coming across as not trusting them with my baby, which is absolutely not true at all. The whole thing made me feel awful and made me feel like I am being spiteful. Its really upset me. I talked to my mum about it and she told me to not push people away, again that comment did not make me feel good 😣Again apologies for the long post, I hope someone can make me feel sane!

There's no way I'd leave a 4 week old baby for a night out.

There's also no way I'd see Harry Styles, so the 2 together are a huge no. 4 weeks is far too little.

It’s a perfectly fine length post! If you weren’t feeling emotional and a bit overwhelmed at 39 weeks you’d be very unusual, it’s completely normal.

If you don’t want to be away from your tiny newborn for any length of time least of all overnight then don’t be. I’ve got a newborn and you couldn’t pay me a billion pounds to be away from him overnight.

Part of being a parent is learning to hear other people’s opinions and ignore them. While I’m sure there are some new mums who’d like a night off that soon I expect they’re in the minority. And it won’t stop here. Everyone and their dog will try and tell you how to bring up your child. It’s your job to advocate for yourself and for your baby. Start now, the more practise you have the easier it gets.

Is your Dp going to the Harry Styles concert with you because it seems from your post it is you and your mates. Is the baby's Dad not looking after the baby or is he going too?

Honestly, I think you might find it very hard to leave your baby behind. I know some will come on here and tell you it was fine but I think the majority of us wouldn't feel okay. This isn't about not trusting someone, I didn't want to leave Ds1 with Dh who was a wonderful hands on parent from day one. It is just hormones and they make you feel this way for a reason, because we are meant to be close to our babies.

There are lots of women on here who didn't leave their baby overnight with anyone for years because it just didn't feel right for them. Don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do. It isn't about them, it is about you. They shouldn't be making you feel like this is wrong because it isn't.

These were booked before I found out I was pregnant, so I've been telling myself I'll be fine to go. But now the time has come closer I feel horrendous about going and I keep saying I should give up my ticket. Everyone around me is encouraging me to go, but I just feel awful. Baby isn't even born yet and the thought of being away from he makes me feel horrible :( I feel like I have upset my other half too because he said maybe he would want a night off as well as me. We have such different opinions on it I just feel like a ball of mess

OP, Congratulations.

YANBU at all.

I didn't let DS stay overnight away from me until he was 18 months old. Frankly, if anyone had tried to tell me I had to leave him overnight at 4 weeks, I'd have tried to pull their arms off.

Your DH isn't being unreasonable either, but he isn't swamped with hormones specifically designed through evolution to make him protect at all costs. He just doesn't get it yet. 🙂

Your MIL is being completely unreasonable so just explain that you couldn't relax, leaving your baby, that's your decision and they will just have to accept it.

There is absolutely no way I could have left ds so young. I wouldn’t even leave him now and he’ll be two in a few months!! We’re still breastfeeding and we co-sleep and I wouldn’t want to change any of that and wouldn’t leave him unless there was some big emergency where I had to 🤷‍♀️

I have a 5 month old and still would be suck at the thought of leaving her overnight. I would not even with my partner. My older child had his first sleepover with family when he was nearly 4.

Do not feel pressurised to do anything you are uncomfortable with. People may not like it, but tough!

Tell them all to keep their opinions to themselves. You’re about to have a baby and have no idea when you’ll feel ready to leave the baby with relatives overnight. Don’t let their comments get into your head. You’ve done absolutely NOTHING wrong. Give up the Harry ticket if you don’t want to go.

All the best, OP!

You could say you'll see how you feel in a week or two. Once the baby arrives your partner may start to understand how intense parenthood is and why you don't want to leave a tiny baby.

It also depends on the type of baby you have, though 99% of newborns are glued to their mother for a long time. When mine was that age I could barely leave him for an hour, never mind overnight.

Either way, not wanting to the a newborn for the night is absolutely NOT unreasonable, and I'm sure the vast, vast majority of mothers would be on your side. Your issue really is not whether or not to do it (as you seem to have decided what you want), but how to delicately handle your MIL so that she won't make such ridiculous comments.

I had the manipulative "you don't trust us" crap from my in laws. I ended up telling them in no uncertain terms that I didn't have to justify my choices regarding my baby to anyone. Also my being uncomfortable about leaving him had absolutely nothing to do with who I was leaving him with. So if they couldn't understand that, tough. Don't let them bully you, it's your baby.

I would say wait and see until baby is here and then decide. You might feel ok with it and if baby takes a bottle and sleeps ok it’ll be fine. However if you don’t then it’s perfectly ok to say it’s too soon and not go, and you don’t need to justify it to anyone. But I’m confused about your DH, does he have a ticket too? Because if not then he should pick literally any other date for his own night out so he can look after baby himself.

And I’d probably be keeping my distance from MIL for the time being. Whether or not you trust her has fuck all to do with whether you’re ready to leave your baby and she sounds like nasty manipulator.

Were you hoping for your h to stay at home with the baby while you went to the concert? It's unclear if he has a ticket or not.

They’re making it all about them when it isn’t. Not wanting to be away from your baby is not necessarily about not trusting others or pushing them away, it’s simply not wanting to be away from your baby. That’s perfectly normal.

With my first child, I’d have probably gone to a concert if it was just 3/4 hours out of the house, definitely not overnight at that stage.

With my second, I wouldn’t have been physically well enough to go 4 weeks after giving birth.

Do what you feel comfortable with, don’t be pressured or guilted into any of it. Be firm about this stuff from the start.