15 Month Old Inconsolable

[faded07]

I am really struggling with my DD at the moment. She is upset from morning to bedtime and it seems to get worse by the day. I appreciate she is in the stage of toddlerhood where tantrums are common but she is bursting into tears pretty much every minute. Changing her has become unbearable. She does everything she can to resist the changing mat - tries kicking me in the face and pushing me away, all whilst screaming the house down. She won't leave me alone for more than 10 seconds. It's impossible to make her lunch without her strapped to my leg begging to be picked up - and, if I do pick her up, she doesn't really know what she wants and just throws herself around everywhere. I give her toys to play with and encourage her to do tasks (e.g. 'why don't you try and finish this puzzle and I'll come and join you when I've made your sandwich?') but she walks off only to return 10 secs later and scream again. This morning, anything I did set her off. Putting her jumper on made her scream - and I don't mean a small irritated scream, I mean absolute hysteria. It is so deeply upsetting to watch and it is just constant. She has always been a rather unsettled baby but the dramatics are just beyond comprehension at the moment. It makes my partner and I feel like we are doing a bad job as nothing consoles her. We take her out regularly (soft play, park, cafes etc) so she has lots to entertain her (she doesn't last long in the house). She only started walking 3 weeks ago and also dropped to 1 nap around this time so I'm not sure if this is causing her to be overtired? She sleeps through the night and has a regular bedtime routine. She goes to nursery 2 days a week and they say she is content there but she is just so difficult at home at the moment. I just want to burst into tears myself all the time because each day is so challenging and relentless. It is putting a real strain on my relationship with my partner too.

I love my daughter to bits and am so proud of her. She is a long awaited IVF baby but I have found motherhood so tough. Has anyone else had a constantly hysterical toddler at this age? Just looking for some hope as I'm feeling pretty hopeless at the moment.

Hey mama, sorry to hear you’re having a tough time but I just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum who cares deeply for her daughter.
I have a 14 month old who also screams when changing and I dread it! Distractions sometimes work, so I pick a random household object and give it him or will sing a song that he likes, or talk about cats and dogs as he loves them!
You mentioned she has recently dropped to one nap so perhaps it’s over tiredness? Have you noticed she is showing signs of tiredness hours before she has her nap?
It could be this or it could just be normal toddler behaviour. I’m a first time mum so don’t have much advice but I hope you’re okay and things calm down soon xx

My experience isn't exactly the same but as I have a 15 month old too and a lot of what you described, I can relate to at the minute! Trying to prepare food - he'll be screaming at my legs for attention and to be picked up. We go through days where he is miserable for most of the day, and then we'll have a nice day the next!
What are her wake windows? They all differ of course but you mentioned she's on one nap. My boy will only last 3 hours awake before first nap. Then second nap is about 3.5 hours after waking again. Are hers much longer than this?
Do you think she has new teeth coming also? My LB just had a new one appear.
It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong though! This can be such a difficult stage😩

My DS was like this too, it was very stressful.

I literally couldn’t do anything, even making him a snack he’d be crying to be picked up, or climbing up my leg.

He cheered up when he was about 18 months, and he’s actually good company and enjoyable to be around now (now 2).

I even managed to cook dinner while he played happily by himself the other day. I know a lot of people could do this the whole time, but for us it would have been completely impossible.

Generally try to limit screen time but I do let him watch cocomelon songs on my phone while I change his nappy.. it’s impossible otherwise.

Looking on the bright side, she's sleeping through night and she's happy at nursery so you are definitely doing something right! 15 months is a difficult age - still a baby really, but (in your DD's case) now able to get up and follow you around so you literally can't take your eyes of her. I used to sit DD in the highchair in the kitchen with me while I prepared her lunch so she could see what I was doing and be part of the process. It's that phase where they just want to follow you everywhere. She's too young to be given tasks and expected to sit and do them on her own - though that stage will come. TBH I coped by having a pretty strict routine throughout the day so DD pretty much knew what was coming next - I suspect this is what happens at nursery (I might be wrong). It can feel like a bit of a grind at this age, but the great thing about kids (or not depending on how you look at it) is that just as you've mastered one phase they move onto the next.

Thank you all for your comments and kind words, it is much appreciated.

@Daisies221 and @LT2 My DD is going 5-6 hour stretches awake now. She tried dropping to 1 nap much earlier (at 12 months) which was a nightmare and we managed to get her back on a 2 nap regime until a few weeks ago when she just wasn't tired enough. It would often depend on when she woke - if it was around 7am, she wouldn't be tired enough for her 10am nap and wanted to nap at 11/11:30 but would then refuse her later 3pm nap...and then everything crept closer to bedtime. She now naps at around 12:30 and usually does 1.5-2 hours. She does awful naps at nursery though - only managed 10 mins all day recently, horrific!

It is good to hear that things improved for you @Hazelnuttella - I hope my DD follows the same trajectory! It can be frustrating as many of my friends' toddlers just happily sit there whilst mine is screaming bloody murder. I appreciate all toddlers have their moments but my one certainly seems to be at the extreme end of the spectrum which can feel quite deflating as a parent at times. We also limit screen time but tend to allow her watching 20-30 mins of her fav cartoon at the end of the day out of desperation. That said, she doesn't even watch it - just keeps asking for it to be put on but then continues to wander around screaming...oh happy days!

@LillianGish Thank you - yes, sleeping through is definitely a massive positive. I live in constant fear of it changing as I think I won't be able to cope at all if that crumbles on top of everything else. Good idea re highchair but it unfortunately it doesn't work this end. DD has been trying to stand in the highchair (often successfully) for months and hates being restrained by it. It's pretty much like she constantly wants something that simply doesn't exist and it's exhausting.

I returned to work a couple of months ago which in many ways has helped (love 'the break') but also just makes me feel more guilty when I see DD so miserable. I spend 2 week days with her as I've returned to work full-time and am glad I have done so but now live in fear of my days with her and how I'll cope. She is also very large for her age (has always been on the 98th percentile) so is extremely heavy and it is so difficult when she's flinging herself about and putting up a fight.

I guess, as with all stages, this one will pass etc. I just hope it does soon! My sis had a baby 8 months after me who I adore but she is such a calm, placid child which can be irritating on my part at times. My sis has been able to retain so much more of a life as the child happily sits in a highchair for an hour without moaning and I rarely hear her cry. Meanwhile, my one has been kicking off since birth and manages to get louder even when I didn't think getting any louder was even possible. I know I shouldn't compare and I wouldn't change my DD for the world, I just wish I had a better suited personality for dealing with this stage - or for dealing with a louder baby in general as I've found it tough since the beginning.

Thank you all for your help and support, it really means a lot at the moment.

And sorry @LT2 should have added - she has been an early teether so now has all her teeth other than her final molars. Could be teething-related in part but think it's just her general life attitude at the moment!

Just one thing that’s come into my head when you said she is big for her age (my DS is too).

How often does she eat? At that age my DS was constantly starving, think he was having a growth spurt. So he would have pretty much constant snacks/small meals throughout the whole day. And I mean substantial snacks like toast and peanut butter, pancakes, frittata etc, as well as fruit etc.

He wasn’t good at letting me know he was hungry but sometimes he’d get extra extra screamy and it would take me a while to realise that he was hungry.

Thanks @Hazelnuttella, will be conscious of this. She is also being difficult with her food (of course!). It is a struggle to feed her as she hates the highchair and, if we feed her outside of it, she just wants to roam about and would rather forego food in favour of this. Will keep trying though, thank you!

When mine (14 months) is like this it's either teething or tiredness.

If you're confident it's not teething pain I'd try and reintroduce the second nap but keep each nap short. We do 2 x 45 minutes at the moment.

Earache ?

I was going to suggest this. The fact she's ok at nursery might rule it out, but I think it's worth a trip to the GP just to check her out. I've known a couple of friends' babies display similar behaviour and they were tearing their hair out not knowing what was wrong, turned out in both cases it was an ear infection.

Obviously don't discount any physical issues, but honestly this sounds like toddler frustration. As she learns to communicate it will get easier because she'll be able to tell you what she wants.

Mine had a month or two at that age when he just WAS NOT happy at anything. It doesn't last, I promise

Sorry OP no advice but have a very similar 14 month old so following with interest! Sympathies, it is so so hard.

Hi @faded07 how are things going with your little one? I have a very similar little girl who is almost 15 months. Lots of things are setting her off at the minute - nappy changes, getting dressed, going on the slide at the park and then not going on the slide 🤦🏻‍♀️
The screaming and arching the back starts very quickly. I was expecting tantrums a little later than this but I’m a FTM so have no experience whatsoever. How have you found things since last posting?

Hi @SLA2022, thanks for reaching out. Sorry to hear you are also enduring this. Things are better than they were. My daughter does still have quite a lot of tantrums and continues to be the loudest and most agitated of her peers but I have found some ways through. She seems to calm down when I read her books, so I always take 3-4 with us if we are eating out. I have also become slightly de-sensitised to the tantrums but the physicality of it can still be tough as she is so heavy (her weight is that of a 2+ yr old). She will be 17 months in a week and has become a little better at communicating her needs which has helped. We have also had to resort to using our phones when things are at drastic level (such as her refusing the buggy and as not being able to restrain her). I appreciate screen time is not ideal but it really is about survival!! Singing songs also helps, and asking her questions such as 'where is your head? where is your nose?' etc. Sending you all the strength - it is a phase, it will pass, and one day they won't overtly 'need' us. I try and tell myself that when my daughter is refusing to detach herself from my leg!!

My DD is coming up for 17 months and has been the exact same as you describe since 15.5months - it's extremely difficult. I've talked with grandparents and nursery both of whom say she doesn't do the thrown on floor tantrums in their presence (yet) 😂some days as so overwhelming but just to remind you, you've got this...your doing great 👍

I'm confident that for my DD it is the lack of communication that does it. We were also relying on screen time quite a bit and I've decided to cut this down where I can as she was taking tantrums over not getting phone or remote. She is the exact same hates a highchair, we actually have a little strap on seat now at the dining table. But sometimes I just let her eat freely, she likes to wonder too and doesn't like being restricted but obviously there are boundaries. Very fussy with food and god forbid she sees us in the kitchen it just somewhat sends her into a frenzy, whining, pushing/clawing at my leg.

Sorry to hear you are going through this too @RAYH25. These can certainly be testing times! I'm with you re the highchair. We have now removed ours and just have a little booster seat at the dining table. Recently, I have gone in the same direction and now feed my DD dinner in the lounge or garden. She is much happier being able to move about and listen to music / play and will eat better this way. Being at the table means much more frustration. She is, however, doing better when out and about. She has been much more accepting of the highchair in cafes but I often need to show her books, play nursery rhymes and distract her in order to get the food in her mouth!! She is doing a little better with communication and, at the moment, is marginally less aggy. She'll be 17 months in a couple of days.

A lot of my friends with 2 yr olds say the tantrums have gotten much worse for them. However, when I explain the level of tantrums my DD can have, they are shocked. So it seems we are experiencing levels much worse than them at an earlier age. I am desperately hoping my DD is tantrum peaking early....!!

Sending all the strength your way. Let's hope things continue to get a little easier as each day passes xxx

Thank you for taking the time to reply @faded07
Your methods of distraction - reading books, asking questions and a bit of screen time are exactly those that I use! Definitely helps to keep her calmer and occupied when out and about. I think I need to take your approach of de-sensitising myself. Yesterday a friend said 'Oh she has a loud voice' when little one was shouting mama at me from across the room. I just thought - you have no idea how loud it can get!
It's great to hear that things have calmed a little for you. I'm sure communication is a big factor in this and so as this improves, I can only hope that she becomes a little less frustrated in life.

Hi @faded07, it’s almost a year on and just wondered how your little one is getting on? I suppose I’m messaging again because we are going through another difficult period with my DD. Things got a bit better for us from 17 months ish when she started walking (late walker!) and communication started to come but then since turning 2 in March, we’re struggling again. Everything is a battle and will often end in tears or DD lashing out - hitting and biting can be common. She is so so independent. Has to do everything herself and wants things doing her way. Simple tasks become unnecessarily drawn out and long. Her communication is pretty good. So much so that she can quite clearly tell me to ‘go away mummy’ or ‘don’t do that mummy’ on a daily basis. She’s just so feisty and a totally opposite character to me and my husband - both quite quiet and calm. I guess I’m looking for tips and tricks to help ease the day to day. Desperately hoping we turn a corner one day and things just because a little easier!

Hi dear
you are not only a mum to have this problem. My baby is 14 months old and exactly the same and I just wanted to cry all the time too. I feel all the time so lonely as I don’t have family around to help me and no friends . It has been so challenging from day one for my daughter from day one she did refuse milk and at this age, she refuses almost any solid food.
If I hold her and feed her and distract her with something She would eat otherwise She prefers would be hungry all day.