Help with 18m olds behaviour.

[Retrain12345]

I’m really struggling with my 18m old and wondered if anyone has any magic tips that may help 😩

Shes the middle child, older DC in school and I also have a 6 week old (who is feeding every 2 hours and has since birth so I’m exhausted) Im home alone with both as DH works 6am until late. I would say she understands a lot and she manages to speak in sentences most of the time. She can also understand simple instructions (go get a certain toy or do you want a drink/food or heres DH etc)

Since DC3 was born DC2 has become a nightmare. She’s obviously struggling with the change but I’ve no idea how to make things better. She’s making me want to run far far away at the moment although I’m trying not to show it!

Shes started hitting and throwing. I can’t seem to get her to understand or stop doing it. She won’t respond to a no, a firm telling off or explaining why not to do it. I also praise her heavily every time she does listen (rarely) but it makes no difference. She’s also taking things for attention and running away with it, mainly baby bottles and dummies but she is hurting the baby snatching things from his face. I have bought her her own special things, a cup with her favourite character on and her own dummies, but she wants the babies ones. She understands they aren’t hers and brings them to the baby but then takes them in the next second. I can’t put the baby down at all or she’s grabbing at him, hitting, pulling his blanket off, sitting on him, pulling at chairs or pulling over the Moses basket. The second I turn around she’s there and I’m exhausted by 6 weeks of constant being on edge.

I do as much as I can with her, playgroups and activities but she also does school runs/shopping etc and has more toys than a toy shop. I’ve also tried getting her involved in bringing nappies etc but she isn’t interested.

Maybe I’m expecting too much from her for her age but I really am drowning and need her to just stop doing dangerous things. I’m so tired I can’t face having the same battles 100 times a day.

Is there a way to make her understand at this age that no means no? Or is it literally a case of riding this out as best as I can? I feel so guilty that she’s acting like this because of something I’ve done but I can’t seem to find a way to improve things

You are expecting too much of her. You may have a younger baby but she’s pretty much still a baby herself. Because you have a newborn you aren’t able to give her the time she needs.

She doesn’t have any impulse control and won’t for years yet, and she also doesn’t have the emotional development to just “stop doing dangerous things” like you want her to.

You’ve flip flopped and tried lots of different things, so there’s no consistency for her and no firm boundary held. There’s no clear expectation.

You shouldn’t be telling her off or saying no - any attention on a behaviour will reinforce that behaviour, and big reactions like this will almost certainly be seen again.

You need to role model, redirect, distract, validate and coregulate.

And you might think you don’t have time to sit there and validate her feelings over something that seems silly to you, but do you have time to constantly have a go at her for behaving developmentally appropriately? Because that’s the alternative.

This isn’t a quick fix. You’re raising a human being. She needs to know clear expectations, firm boundaries while knowing that you are calm and in control, and that you understand her and listen to her.

It is something you have to do repeatedly. It is something you have to be consistently hot on. And having another baby doesn’t change that - it just makes it more difficult time wise for you. But that’s the reality of it.

When she hits you don’t shout or say no or give any other big reaction. A simple “we use gentle hands. I wont allow you to hit (baby/animal/you) so I will move them away now” and then you move on. Don’t linger on it.

Thankyou @SunnySaturdayMorning

Im definitely doing it wrong. Her behaviour is worsening by the day and I’m also not paying her enough attention. I’m short tempered and fed up of it and she must be able to sense it.
She’s really gravitating towards other people rather than me now which is heartbreaking for me as she was my shadow prior to DC3 (who was very much unplanned and has reflux so isn’t easy to deal with)

I really need to change this around now but I'm just a bit lost as to what to do. Ill try the things you’ve advised and try and spend more time with her and see if that makes things a little better.

I really hope the damage isn’t already done 🙁

That sounds so tough and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to try to navigate through it all. I think the PP's advice is great and if you can make some attempts to stick to it then good on you.
All I wanted to add was to not beat yourself up over anything, you've just had another baby, not that long ago, newborns and toddlers are both so demanding so you're doing a great job as a mum if they are both fed, clean, and safe. Give yourself some credit.
You might not get it right all the time, you might shout or get angry sometimes, you might lose your cool sometimes, and that's all okay, just take a breather and tell yourself that next time you will deal with it differently, have a plan in your mind for you will react. The best way to react is calmly as PP said, as hard as it is to do when you are so run down and sleep deprived and fed up. And if you can't react calmly, try not to react at all by walking away, take baby with you if you need to, take a few minutes out of the room while your DC2 is tantrumming and then go back and talk to her in a calm voice.

Have you tried a time out? Not necessarily a naughty time out like the naughty step, just a place for her to go to calm down. I did the use the step with my eldest, but I didn't refer to it as the naughty step, just as a calm down/ time out step. And I'd sit with him and calmly tell him he needs to calm down, relax, and then we can go back into the main room and I'd wait with him, giving him hugs if he needs it, holding his hand, anything that will help him to feel like I'm there for him but that I wasn't going to accept his behaviours if he'd been naughty. Once he'd calm down I would talk about his behaviour and explain smacking hitting snatching isn't okay and we need to be kind and gentle. And then in future episodes, I would only need to mention having a time out and he would start to calm down and stop whatever behaviour I wasn't happy with.

You're doing a great job, and soon enough she will get used to her new sibling and won't remember life without them.

Thank you @8aby8rain

Yesterday was a really awful day. I am trying to manage 3DC, school runs, 3 demanding dogs, building work and all other house admin and it’s just got too much. I don’t know how anyone can do this but I know I really need to do better 🙂

I will try and use the ideas you have mentioned. I did have to ignore her for a few minutes yesterday as she was just following me around screaming and it did result in more and more screaming but maybe she would get the message. I can’t put baby down without screaming at the moment which isn’t helping me deal with her but I do need to figure this out as I have nobody else to do this but me!

Just the thought of doing school runs with a newborn and toddler makes me tense up! You're in the thick of it and it sounds really hard.

My view is you are doing all you can but everyone has limits. You shouldn't just push on and be on the brink every day. Instead reach out to your support network and ask for help, big or small. It's hard to take that step but you'll feel relieved and most people will be glad to be asked.