Help - 12 year old out of control

[welshmum2023]

I’m a single parent of a 12 year old girl. Dad has never been around. We’ve always had a really good close relationship. I don’t overly spoil her and I know when to say no.

She started comprehensive school in September and since then, plus started her periods, she does not listen to anything I say and I have tried every punishment imaginable and nothing seems to bother her.

She comes home from school and is in the house for around an hour before I get home. I’ve told her not to eat anything before tea and she stuffs her face. So I have emptied everything she could pick on and still she seems to find something a friend has given her.

I tell her to come home when I’ve made tea and she refuses. Then waltzes in at 8pm.

She won’t eat her school packed lunch and I’ve found it hidden all over her room.

She answers back and constantly cheeky and rude.

I've tried banning her phone etc but she just takes it and when given back, she just does something she shouldn’t again.

Any suggestions?

Get her off the internet. Get her a brick phone to be in contact only, don't give in to blackmail.

Or try lovebombing her to open up and tell you if something is wrong at school. Is she being bullied? Can she do the work? Are her new periods causing her problems? It's such a shit time of life, would you be able to allow her to rant at you with everything that is wrong and get it off her chest?

She is growing so not surprised she is hungry after school. Leave her a small snack to tide her over. The internet is the worst place for a confused and upset 12 year old to be. Its a hard stage. Keep trying. Good luck to you both.

We have long chats everyday. I ring her on hands free on my way home from work and we talk about school and what she has done. We always have an hour before bed time where phones are banned for both of us and we read and talk and she’s very open. I leave her fruit. But she hides it and pretends she has eaten it.

Why does she have to have fruit? Why can’t she have a sandwich/yogurt/smoothie/cheese and crackers/a couple of biscuits/ milkshake etc?

Why isn’t she eating her school lunch and then hiding it so she doesn’t get into trouble for not eating it? Presumably she doesn’t like her lunch or she would eat it.

I’ve tried loads of different things to give her for lunch. Sandwich. Roll. Crackers. Even bought a flask so she could have something warm. Doesn’t eat any of it and it’s all good she likes. I’ve tried leaving fruit, yoghurts and crackers.

What is she eating then? as you said she ‘stuffs her face’ before you get home

Ok I'm no expert but have a teen girl a bit older than yours. What I would do:

Let her get school lunches rather then pack up which is probably not cool. Then you save yourself all the stress over the wasted food.

She will be hungry when she comes in from school, accept that.

Rather then banning internet, teach her to navigate it safely and age appropriately. School will do that as well but you can reinforce at home.

The internet is how she talks to friends, does schoolwork and lives her life. Same as all of us really these days. I see posters banning the internet left, right and centre on MN. Your choice but she won't thank you for it and she'll likely get a phone from a friend and hide it from you.

Let her go and meet friends if she wants to but agree a set time to be in and agree to share location; for example on Life360.

If she misses dinner, she can have it heated up later; pick your battles, honestly save yourself the stress.

We tried giving lots of 'consequences' to DS3 when he was not behaving and his behaviour just got worse.

We then tried giving loads of rewards and treats for tiny things he did right and his behaviour is so much better.

We found that picking our battles and giving him more freedom worked much better

This!!

I've been through teens with both mine. You need to unclench a bit.
No phones after bedtime was our only rule. They were with me after that - no chance of them being taken back before morning.

I’ve told her not to eat anything before tea and she stuffs her face.

This sentence says so much. You can't ban a senior school student from eating when they get home, she is probably hungry. Not eating lunch is unfortunately very normal at senior school (for loads of reasons) and then you are so judgemental. No wonder she is rebelling.

What time do you eat in the evening?

I may have not worded my first message correctly. I don’t not allow her to have a snack when she comes home, I have fruit, yoghurts and skinny bars etc. but last night for instance, she came home and ate three bags of crisps, two bars of chocolate and then didn’t want her dinner.

I have tried giving her money for school instead of packed lunch and she www buying crisps and cookies.

I only ban her phone as a last resort, I have a screen time set up.

Then don't buy crisps and chocolate for her to stuff her face with. Just don't have them in the house.

I think you sound controlling around food.

Kids get really hungry and you are reacting to her perfectly normal desire to eat yummy snacks with punishment.

Just leave her a bag of crisps and a couple of biscuits and let her know if she is still hungry then it really is fruits or nothing.

honestly i think you need to let it go, she's walking all day no wonder she craves sugar after school and you're honestly acting really rude about her

By brother and I used to devour half a loaf of bread after school most days! I'm in favour of letting people eat when they're hungry, so I'd be batch cooking healthy dinners and leaving them portioned for her to eat when she gets home. If it's important that you eat together, you can always sit together over something light for supper later, even a cuppa and a biscuit, but I wouldn't pick food as a battleground.

What's a skinny bar?

At that age, she should be allowed to choose her own lunch, regardless of what that is. It’s all part of growing up. Unless all her friends are packed lunch, she will be absolutely miserable.

If she’s out, save her some dinner and she can have it when she comes in - what’s the big deal?

If she’s not keen on a traditional meal in the evening, could you try some picky bits - ham, crackers, veg sticks, cheese, humous, pitta pizza etc.

If you stop having crisps and chocolate in the house, she won’t be able to eat it.

Like others have said, pick your battles. Don’t make food one of them. Provide healthy meals and snacks, but don’t pressure her to eat them.

OP, this is just a thought but would you say she has a difficult relationship with food generally? I was struck by the fact that she is hiding the food she doesn't eat. It sounds like she is starving herself during the day and then is so hungry when she gets home that she loses control and binges. Followed by not eating her dinner out of guilt.

Might be barking up the wrong tree here but maybe pay close attention to what she's like around food at other times.