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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Advice needed - Daughters father sentenced

20 replies

WY1991 · 02/05/2023 12:50

Hello all,

I have a gorgeous little girl who will be 6 years old soon.

I split with my daughters dad when she was tiny. After we broke up they continued a relationship which was supervised by his Mother following a very toxic relationship involving domestic violence and drink/drugs on his behalf. They saw each other for a couple of hours every 2weeks (his choice).

Fast forward to last year, I received a call from social services advising me there had been a police incident involving my daughters Father. They obviously couldn't go into detail but I later found out the seriousness of his crimes. A few months ago he was sentenced to more than 20 years with a minimum of more than 15 years.

I have told my daughter that daddy's working away and I'm not sure when she will see him. At first it was fine, as most children her age the conversation was over and we moved on. But as time has gone on, a year to be exact, she realises he's absent. She has got upset a few times asking me to call him but I've just said I can't. I've reached out to social services and school which pointed me in the direction of PACT but they said just to read the info online. I want to speak to someone and I need the support to be able to support my daughter.

Has anyone gone through something similar or know someone who has? This is alien to me and I want to protect her the best I can. I was in court two weeks to get a court order to change her surname so there's no association for her growing up.

I just don't know where to turn?

Thank you

posted edited by MNHQ to remove identifying details, at the request of the OP.

OP posts:

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 02/05/2023 12:56

You may want to anonymise your post as there are many personal details in there.

As for advice I would support telling your child the truth in an age appropriate way. She will be an adult when he's released. The longer you keep this information from her the worse it will be in the long run.

The Barnardo's charity has a support program for children of prisoners so it would be worth contacting them.

IglesiasPiggl · 02/05/2023 13:04

He has clearly committed a serious crime. If he committed it locally, then the chances are that it will come out and someone may say something to her. I agree with telling her in an age appropriate way.

MNHQ

LivMumsnet · 02/05/2023 13:47

Afternoon all. We temporarily hid the thread so that we could edit the opening post, with the agreement of the OP. We've now done this so the discussion can continue. Best of luck with it all, OP, and we hope you get some useful advice here.

Original poster

WY1991 · 02/05/2023 13:55

I have now updated the thread.

Yes it was very serious. This situation is understandably very alien to me and I just want to support my daughter as best I can with it all. My heart breaks for her :'(

OP posts:

Sarahconnor1 · 02/05/2023 13:58

As for advice I would support telling your child the truth in an age appropriate way

This.

My dad was sent to prison when I was 7. I was told he was working away, another child took much delight in telling me the truth.

He is going to be inside for a long time and it's better the truth comes from you

Babdoc · 02/05/2023 14:03

In my experience, children handle the truth a lot better than lies or evasion.
Young children in particular tend to think everything is about them, and if daddy has disappeared, it must be “my fault - I must have done something bad, so daddy won’t come and see me”
Painful as it will be to explain that daddy is a criminal and in prison, that is preferable to leaving them wondering and imagining worse. She may think you are deliberately keeping him away, or that he no longer loves her.
There are children’s books that cover this scenario, and it might be an idea to read one as a bedtime story, and use it as a prelude to discussing the subject and her feelings about it.
Don’t leave her to find out in the playground from a mocking child who knows what happened from his parents’ reading the newspaper.

MenoRageisReal · 02/05/2023 14:07

I agree with the above - in a year or two the kids in the playground will tell her (even with the name change, it's astonishing how fast gossip travels) so it's best to start age appropriate conversations now.

I think the book idea is a good one, to start the talking.

alloalloallo · 02/05/2023 14:09

I agree with those above to tell her in an age appropriate way before she finds out from someone else?

Do you know what prison he is in?

It might be worth contacting them and seeing if they have some family support services who can help you. My daughter has to do a volunteering module for her degree and she’s volunteering with a charity who support families and children with a family member in prison and they offer all sorts of help and support, but I don’t know whether they work across all prisons.

Original poster

WY1991 · 02/05/2023 14:13

Thank you all for your advice. I won't keep up the lie about him working away, it was my initial response when he was first arrested a year ago. As someone mentioned above, I don't want her feeling unwanted or unloved by him because that's not the case. I will look into getting her an age appropriate book and slowly starting telling her the truth without the details as that is something I'd explain when she's old enough to understand. This isn't her fault and I don't want her thinking it is. I will get myself prepared for the conversation when she next brings up the topic. It's just so hard!

OP posts:

Mischance · 02/05/2023 14:17

She needs to be told he is now in prison, so that is why he cannot see her - she will at least know that it is not a rejection. I think telling her he did "some bad things" might be sufficient at this age if the truth is too difficult for her to get a grip on. But as time goes by and she gets older she will need to know before she finds out via some other route. A very sorry situation and I wish you lots of strength for the future.

JFDIYOLO · 02/05/2023 14:31

Here's a free book from PACT to start you off.

I agree that age appropriate truth is far the best move. You wouldn't say the stork is bringing a baby bother, or the dog had gone to live on a farm, or Nanny is sleeping in heaven, or any of the other confusing nonsense children are fed.

Plan and practice what you're going to say in simple terms. Then sit them down and explain there's something important you need to tell them, and say you're sorry you couldn't work out how best to tell them before.

Great role modelling difficult conversations, apologising, explaining things simply - all those good things.

Because if you don't, if you (frankly) keep lying, it will get harder and harder to maintain the lie, they will realise something's off, do their own research, or some gleeful troll will tell them the truth.

Then will come the fallout and the consequences when it all comes out.

https://www.prisonadvice.org.uk/locked-out

Locked Out: A book for children with a loved one in prison

Read 'Locked Out', a book which helps children cope with the imprisonment of a loved one which contains useful guidance and activities for children.

https://www.prisonadvice.org.uk/locked-out

2bazookas · 02/05/2023 14:41

Imagine a stone thrown in a lake. The ripples spread out. On the surface; and beneath where you can;t see them. Even though you can't see the stone, it still exists. Presumably your friends and family know. His friends and family know.
Google knows.

Sooner or later she will hear a version of Dad's story from someone else. When you're not there.

It would be far kinder for her to hear it from you now, then you can frame it as small as possible , in the least hurtful way. "Daddy did something wrong, so he's had to go away. I'm sure he's sorry now because it means he can't see us for a very long time. "

Babdoc · 02/05/2023 14:42

“My Dad’s in Prison” by Jackie Walter and Tony Neal is aimed at 6 to 8 year olds, and might be a conversation starter.

Original poster

WY1991 · 02/05/2023 14:44

I really appreciate all your helpful advice. I will definitely look into the books. It will be a hard conversation as I get emotional talking about it and when she cries it sets me off. Thank you all

OP posts:

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/05/2023 15:06

I adopted my dd and have always found that honestly is the best policy in these cases. Depending on how old your dd is would depend on how much detail you give her. But at some point she'll use google and find out, so better she asks you.

If she's very young then you tell her he's been naughty and the police have taken him away, you could say he's hurt someone so he's not allowed out (depending on what he did). If she's asks then you tell her he's in jail and he's not allowed to talk to people. Do you want her to write to him? Is it appropriate she does so?

HurryShadow · 02/05/2023 15:36

Personally I wouldn't wait until she asks you. Be prepared - get an appropriate book or story for her and read it with her. Don't go straight in to "that's what's happened to Daddy", but once she's familiar with the story in the book you can sit her down and say "You know that book we've been reading, where X happens? Unfortunately that's where Daddy is. He did something very naughty and he was taken to prison. He loves you very much and wanted you to know this is why he hasn't been able to see you."

If she asks more questions about what he did you will just have to say something along the lines of "I'll tell you more when you're older as it won't make much sense to you now."

It's OK for her (and you!) to be upset about it. As long as she knows you love her and will always be there for her, she'll be just fine I'm sure.

Stressfordays · 02/05/2023 15:43

I have a very similar situation, I told my kids that Daddy had been very bad and hurt someone and he is in prison. I also told them that Daddy loves them very much but unfortunately he can't be a good Daddy so it's better if he stays away from now on. It killed me to tell them that rather then telling them your Dad is a waste of space but they accepted it easily and now a few years down the line see it for what it really is. I've answered all questions as age appropriately as I can, my eldest is 10 and now knows the real truth of what happened.

forminginstraightline · 02/05/2023 16:02

The organisation Children Heard and Seen can advise and support: https://childrenheardandseen.co.uk/

Original poster

WY1991 · 02/05/2023 16:18

I definitely wouldn't want her having any contact with him whilst he's in prison. Obviously when he comes out she will be an adult and that's her choice to make. I've had all the photos printed off of them both and put them away for her when she's older, they're her memories and she can do as she likes with them. With Father's Day coming around again soon I aim to have the conversation with her before. But until then I will prepare myself for any questions she may have and make sure I give her age appropriate answers.

OP posts:

Resilientmum · 23/07/2024 01:05

Hey, i just saw this post. Because i was looking for someone who is having the same experience as me. I had the same bad news happen, my daughters day got alot of years for a serious crime.

Im curious to know what you decided in the end and how its going? I also hope you are ok, no one can understand the weight that is carried. I have no one who can relate to my experience, but yours sound so similar!

For me it has now been 10 years. I have not told my daughter what the crime is but she knows where he is. I explained that when she gets older, and at an age where she can comprehend it all i will tell her.

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