Mortified - 8yr old DD swearing at another child

[Hayleyb33]

I need some advice as I’m not sure I’ve handled this right.

We live in a cul-de-sac attached to a large ‘Green’ where lots of the neighbourhood kids play. It’s great they’ve got a rope swing and often play football all together. One of the mums approached me tonight and said a few days ago my 8yr old DD has called her 11yr old DD a F-in fat pig. I was so shocked and can’t really remember my reply but said I’ll talk to my DD about it. I’ve never known my DD to swear and she’s been upset previously when her brother has called her fat so I wouldn’t of thought she’d say ‘fat pig’ to someone else. My DD has completely denied saying it and my partner and I believed her. I spoke separately to my 10yr old DS and he said DD did say it to the other girl!

I’ve since spoken to DD (who is still denying it) that if I ever find out she’s using swear words or nasty names at people she’ll be grounded for a week. But other than that we’ll draw a line under what’s happened. I’ve asked my DS to let me know if he hears her swearing again to let me know straight away.

I feel so disappointed in DD, I’ve always thought she was kind and compassionate. We’ve spoken previously about how she’d feel in others shoes and she’s always been empathetic. Would anyone have handled this differently? I don’t know what else to do as she’s still denying she said anything

She’s a child and children make mistakes. Try not to worry too much, hopefully the telling off has shocked her into watching her language in future.

The air is blue when they think we are out of ear shot. She was probably showing off and throwing words. I would make her apologise to the girl though, not for swearing particularly, but for such a personal insult.

Why are you not punishing her and ensuring she apologises ? She isn't going to learn anything if you are simply drawing a line under it and the other child deserves an apology.

I think saying fuck is considerably less bad than calling someone a fat pig - that's horrible. I'm not sure why you're drawing a line under it without an apology to the other girl.

I’ll speak to her again tomorrow and make sure she apologises. What she said is just so nasty think I’m still in shock tbh. I just wish she’d own up to it ☹️

You said you'd asked your DS to let you know if she swears again. I would avoid making her the bad one and him the telltale, as it would ruin their relationship

This

Too many people are telling you that she said this. I would not be inclined to believe her denial and would take her round to apologise in person. The reactions of all concerned including your own DD will tell you a lot.

Then I might well ground her for a week.

I am not sure about making DS into the snitch. That is poor parenting and places him in an unfair position.

She is showing off and using ’big words’ trying to be grown up. She needs to learn it’s rude and stupid, and that clever grownups use real words to express displeasure (unlike the majority of MN hahahaha)

What I normally do when I try to get to the bottom of things is ask what happened rather that did you say/do x? 99% of the kids will say no before I even finish the question, whereas when I asked what happened I can actually get some info out of them. A bit more questioning like how did you feel, what did she say, what happened next etc helps to get a clearer picture. I tend to keep calm and reassuring, because I genuinely want to know what happened. Then I give consequences as needed and explain why. The kids also know they'll be in a lot more trouble for lying than whatever they did so it's not really worth it.