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Parenting

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Original poster

1 Year old I Watch is Scared of my Husband

21 replies

MysticMom · 01/05/2023 18:02

Hi all, this is my first post here at mumsnet. I am a mom of 4 amazing kids, and my husband and I have been married for almost 16 years. I've predominately been a stay-at-home mom, and over the years I have provided child care to others.

In all that time I've never struggled with a toddler who couldn't be in the same room as my husband. And this little girl I watch is not a stranger's kid. We have known the family forever, her mom and I have been friends since middle school. This 1 year old is the youngest of four, and as a baby my husband could hold her just fine. I started watching her and her youngest brother (who just turned 5) in September. I have them 5 days a week for 8-10 hours a day. When my husband is home, and in the room, this little girl screams and cries nonstop - inconsolable.

I'm not sure how to make it better, since no one can fathom why she is acting this way. Anyone have experience in this area?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mikado1 · 01/05/2023 18:03

Does he have a beard?

WheelsUp · 01/05/2023 18:04

What's she like with other unexpected male guests to your home eg a tradesman ?

Basilthymerosemary · 01/05/2023 18:08

mikado1 · 01/05/2023 18:03

Does he have a beard?

I was going to say that. My kids have always been scared of men with beards until they reached about 5/6.

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cryinglaughing · 01/05/2023 18:12

I'm not up on child minders, having used nurseries, but do you not have a dedicated area for your mindee's, somewhere your husband doesn't need to be.

alyceflowers · 01/05/2023 18:14

cryinglaughing · 01/05/2023 18:12

I'm not up on child minders, having used nurseries, but do you not have a dedicated area for your mindee's, somewhere your husband doesn't need to be.

Sounds like the OP is maybe in the US so things are probably different, but in the UK childminders work from their family home, they don't need to have any dedicated areas.

ladydimitrescu · 01/05/2023 18:14

Has he tried engaging with her with some toys or reading a book maybe?
It's odd if it's just him she has such a huge reaction to, I've not known a baby have that level of fear towards only one person.

PuffinPuffinPenguin · 01/05/2023 18:14

Is he DBS checked? How is he getting anywhere near your mindees if you're in the required dedicated play space?

MermaidEyes · 01/05/2023 18:14

Another one wondering if he has a beard. My dd was terrified of men with beards when she was little.

alyceflowers · 01/05/2023 18:16

PuffinPuffinPenguin · 01/05/2023 18:14

Is he DBS checked? How is he getting anywhere near your mindees if you're in the required dedicated play space?

Do you think family members have to stay out of their home if someone is a childminder? Dedicated play spaces are normally just living rooms.

Lefteyetwitch · 01/05/2023 18:21

It's happened twice in my family.
My sister was terrified of my cousin.
My little cousin was terrified of my dad.

As adults neither can really say what it was but now have lovely relationships with both.

mikado1 · 01/05/2023 18:27

It can be just a temperament thing, she may also be frightened by masks on people for example, or clowns. Not suggesting your dh is frightening looking or a clown!! But just that certain temperaments can be nervous about the look of certain things and she seems to have taken against your husband as such. Maybe he made a loud noise once coming in or dropped something etc. Still wondering about a beard!!

Original poster

MysticMom · 01/05/2023 18:28

Yes, my husband does have a beard.

When other male guests come over she is does act nervous, but she doesn’t scream and cry like she does around my husband. She definitely prefers women or other kids.

Typically, my Husband, when home, stays out of the way. But occasionally he needs to use the kitchen, or come upstairs to shower.

For a while, after a lot of effort, we were able to get this little girl to accept his presence. She stopped tearing her hair out, breaking down, and shaking every time he walked in the room. My husband was able to come and go without her crying at all. Then she was home for a long weekend, and when she came back, we were at square one all over.

She likes food, so he offers her snacks which she will take if I’m holding her. As long as she is in my arms she is fine. He can give her fist bumps and finger boops. We continually work her up to accepting toys and such from him, while she is playing independently. But she’ll be home for a stretch, or even just a couple of days sometimes, and all that work is erased.

OP posts:

VariationsonaTheme · 01/05/2023 18:33

My dd was like this with all men except for her dad and grandad until she was about 3. She just grew out of it eventually. Never did find out what the cause was.

takealettermsjones · 01/05/2023 18:33

Have you spoken to the child's parents about it?

Original poster

MysticMom · 01/05/2023 18:39

I have talked to the parents, at great length. They don't know what to do about it either. They don't socialize much, so there isn't a ton of interaction with others outside of their family. When we visit their house, she still seems nervous around my husband but she will still walk around a play in her own environment. Perhaps because her mom is nearby shrugs and it's home.

OP posts:

mikado1 · 01/05/2023 18:45

Would it be too much to suggest he shave the beard?! Even just to see.....

Original poster

MysticMom · 01/05/2023 18:48

I don't thing the other men in her life have beards, not even her Pops (grandpa). And male visitors have also been beard free. If it is the beard thing than potentially it could be a long while yet before she grows out of that fear. As much as he likes the beard, I know my husband would shave it off if I felt it would ease her anxiety. We might just have to try and see what happens...

OP posts:

mikado1 · 01/05/2023 18:49

Definitely worth a go!

mikado1 · 18/06/2023 15:44

Wondering if this was resolved!

littleripper · 18/06/2023 15:51

I was terrified of beards and glasses until I was 4 and I avoided white men until I was 12/13 ish.

ChadCMulligan · 19/06/2023 08:06

My little nephew was terrified of me from near birth to 3 and it was only the fact that I shaved off my beard that stopped the fear.

We even asked him "why aren't you scared of uncle now" and his answer was "because he doesn't have a beard"

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