Do I say something to my partner about his affection towards child?

[Dontknowwhattodo2]

My partner has a 4 year old son and he is VERY physically affectionate towards him, to the point that it makes me really uncomfortable. I want to add that I don’t think he is abusing him or purposefully doing anything wrong.

My partner will kiss his sons neck, sniff his neck, always touching his bum and will run his hands up and down his body. He will do this infront of anyone, so I know it’s not anything sinister and he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. He has a family that didn’t show physical affection, as do I. Could this be why I find it so uncomfortable? Is this normal father son affection? I have a daughter and I would say her dad shows her normal levels of affection, and he would never be touching her bum all the time etc.

my partner never kisses his son on the face or anything, it’s always places like the neck or back. It makes me so uncomfortable that sometimes I just freeze, and I’m seriously considering talking to him about it. I don’t know if that’s the best option though as I know it won’t be very nice for him.

just want to add that I have experienced sexual abuse at aged 5 so maybe that’s why I don’t like it? Would appreciate all opinions as I don’t know if it’s a me problem.

This is not ok.

You’re not being weird because of your background. This is odd.

No, that's weird. I'm very affectionate with my child but I'd still never do anything like that - for one, there are many other ways to show physical affection and it's also important that children learn what types of physical contact are appropriate or acceptable and that isn't it.

I think two things are possible, 1) you other half is actually abusive. 2) the waaay more likely possibility is that you are not used to what a normal tactile relationship is between parent and young child.

My kids are very cuddly and climb all over me to give me kisses. Same with DH (their dad). I’m a bit worried by the way you are sexualising touch. I think some counselling would be the best thing. Any idea of saying this to your OH would likely be the immediate end of your relationship (or it would be if anyone suggest I was acting inappropriately because we touch our kids and vice versa!)

Is he sole caretaker of his son?

Would it be different if his mum was like that as opposed to his dad? Is it because it’s his dad behaving like that which is triggering you?

That seems incredibly unusual. I haven't been SA but that would also make me tense. And yes, I would find it weird even a woman doing it to her child.

I was certainly kissing my four year old son’s neck and back and sniffing him (delicious child smell) and having full-body cuddles. But not possible to tell if you’re just not used to normal levels of parent-child tactility, or something else? I always find parent-child kissing on the lips uncomfortable, though we have lots of friends for whom it’s normal.

I'm a bit concerned about the idea of 'touching his bum' and 'running hands up and down his body'.

But it's very hard to know from your post because, as you say, you maybe don't have lived experience of a normal parent-child tactile relationship. It's not uncommon that a parent might touch a child's bum when giving them a cuddle and often that is completely appropriate.

It depends how it's being done and how the child is reacting to it, I'm concerned though that something is making you uncomfortable.

Can you say a bit more about what it looks like?

I mean, is the child just standing there and dad is doing this to him? How long does it last for? Is affection happening on both sides? How does the child respond to it?

Also when you say about kisses on the neck/ back - is it just like a peck/ playful, or is it a more prolonged kiss? Is dad doing it in a lighthearted/ playful way, or do you think he's getting some other kind of pleasure/ kick out of it?

Sorry to ask for more graphic detail, it's just a really hard one to call without knowing more, as it could be completely normal behaviour.

Thankyou for your messages, I really appreciate them! I think it could just be that I’m not used to male figures in my family being tactile towards children, but I am fine with the kisses on the head and cuddles.

he has his son every weekend. Also I don’t think I would be feeling different with the mum doing it, as I personally wouldn’t be kissing my daughters neck etc.

his son is quite affectionate back and doesn’t seem uncomfortable. He has started moving his dads hand away at times, but not often. It’s not really prolonged kisses but probably longer than a peck. His brother has even asked why hes doing it before. I think it is probably just me not being used to affection. I just maybe expect more typical forms of affection such as a kiss on the head and holding hands etc, but it isn’t my place to say how people should show affection