Trying to achieve that work life balance with preschoolers and jobs

[frenchieshouse]

Just looking for advice from others in a similar position or who have been through the little kid years and can tell me it gets easier.... should I try and change things or just hang on?!

Got 2 DC both preschool at the moment but DC4 starts school in September. DC1 at nursery.

I returned from mat leave in jan and this also coincided with a new job which is more stressful. I really didn't mind my previous job which was 3 days but due to a big restructure the salary was being changed and I was going to lose too much to stay. We were just completing on a house move so I felt very lucky to find a similar ish job, slight promotion so more money and agreed to do compressed hours 4 days. However by the time deductions and a larger pension are taken the salary increase is very negligible.

The extended hours are killing me. At first I thought I preferred the 4 days rather than 3 as I probably didn't have enough balance in time away from the kids. Husband works weekends and so generally the 4 days that I had off were on my own with the kids. I was initially quite refreshed to work an extra day and just have 3 days with the kids. Due to their ages, days with them on my own are full on and most other mums I know work full time.

The new job involves being out at the office half the time, rather than 100% from home as previous. Again I found this refreshing at first after having way too much time at home through Maternity and lockdown... but its also an added stress getting somewhere, early too due to the extended hours.

Husband has even longer work days so can't do any drop off and pick up. I really find it impossible and stressful doing the extended hours with the drop offs and even more so when I'm in the office. I don't feel I can ask to change anything at work as I've only been there a few months and they only agreed to 4 days reluctantly as it was advertised as full time. Maybe I could ask anyway but I'm probably too worried about the impression it would create that I can't do the job.

I feel like I'm already failing work wise though to be honest I'm not massively career driven and it doesn't light my fire. If we didn't need the money I wouldn't do it but we literally just scrape by on our salaries combined. At the moment we have 2 in nursery of course so I know that will get easier eventually.

We do have family help having moved closer to family and this has been great. However I feel the work change has sort of cancelled out the benefit of the family help.

I literally have no time for exercise, hobbies, friends, housework, self care... nothing. Our money won't stretch to a cleaner or things that could maybe help a bit.

Is this just the eye of the storm with 2 preschoolers and will it get better???

I've previously set up what you might call side hussles, which I love but they have now fizzled totally over the last few years and I'm struggling for the motivation to restart as I know getting anything to a business earning level would take a huge slog and a balance of own business and work which would challenge my already struggling self!! I don't think I could hack that at the moment and am wary of starting and failing things as I feel I've done that in the past with the side businesses as it's never taken off fully due to life getting in the way.

I feel like my run down ness is spreading into not parenting well, snapping at the DC, my health not great, etc...

Will it get better, do I stick it out, or did anyone here make a big change that worked out? Because of salary and not being able to take a cut I feel I don't have many choices.

I know my perfect end goal is the side hussle making enough to quit work and then have a good balance. But at the moment that feels insurmountable from current position!

Handhold, you're right, it's the eye of the storm. When your first gets to school and your second has settled in nursery it will get better, but you're just going to have to stick it out right now. Focus on the end date.

Something that really helped me was getting a massage regularly, every 2 months booked in advance. Might not do it for you but find a way to be kind to yourself and have that to look forward to. Definitely lean on your ILs for the help and get to the gym, it will really help with your patience for the babies. We found a gym with daycare and it was really fantastic for shedding the mental load.

You can do this

Financially, yes things will improve once your eldest starts school & again when your youngest does too. But that's a few years off.
However, school brings it's only challenges not least covering the holidays.
For us, my youngest started school last September & I feel I'm finally finding myself again, we have more money & i have the freedom to do more stuff for myself. However to enable that I've been working part-time since I had my first DC & have stayed pt as it's easy to deal with holidays/sickness. It's meant money is tighter, we can't afford to get a bigger house, go on expensive holidays etc.

@MollyRover thank you I think just knowing it's normal and a handhold is help in itself!

I knew this job change thing was going to make things harder but we wouldn't have been able to complete on the house otherwise and therefore move closer to family, which in the long run will have more benefit. So need to think long game!!!

I need to find something that I do for me. I'm not a massage person. But at the moment even walking the dog (which I enjoy) seems a luxury!

@APurpleSquirrel yes thanks I think striking the right balance is so important and it's really off at the moment. But I'm not sure I could afford to go part time!

@APurpleSquirrel great to know you feel like your starting to feel yourself again, light at the end of the tunnel!

Now that you have secured your mortgage is going back to your previous employer part time an option?

@Velvian no unfortunately not. For a start the position is filled, they weren't the most amazing employer anyway not like I'd rush back any more so than the current one. But also the new mortgage is higher, so as well as needing to keep the salary level to complete on the house I also need to maintain it.

I know this really limits me in terms of options so the post is probably more of a vent/look for reassurance that it will get better for those that have gone through having kids this age!

It will definitely be easier financially when your eldest starts school and you can look at what you can do job-wise to lighten the load.

However for me, as I still have to work full time, life has definitely become harder since my eldest started school last September. At least with nursery we had full time childcare. Juggling school holidays, inset days, teacher strikes etc is a struggle and only in the last year have I started to find it difficult to keep up with housework, personal admin, staying on top of things in general.

Plus, before, the kids were in the same setting so were in sync with illnesses etc. Now we tend to get two lots, at different times. And with school there's all the extra stuff to remember and do, more birthday parties, special dress up days, bake sale, etc etc.

Youll still make it work though. I'm sure we'll be bored once they get more independent. Good luck!

I agree with others. This is just a busy, tiring phase of life.

Be warned that once they are at school, although wrap around care will cost less than full time, having them at school is FAR more complicated than just having them in the one place from drop off to pick up. Parties, trips, swimming lessons, going to play at friends houses, and yes, stretching your Annual Leaves to cover school holidays and training days (plus sickness) is challenging.
I would 100% recommend keeping the one day when you can collect from schools, and at least get to recognise your dcs' friends, their parents, the school staff etc. rather than thinking being out at work 5 days might be easier. I would have hated not being able to get to know everyone in the community that is so important to your dc. I know loads have to, but as you have the option to work 4 days, I'd stick with that. It is a real privilege.

@WhyDubai yes I know what you mean. I think the financials will make a difference when we are out of childcare (or at least when 30 hrs kicks in for youngest DC in a couple of years). I'm aware this is a way off!

The lack of ever being able to afford things like a hair cut, holiday, meal out etc drags you down and makes you wonder what all the hard work is for but I need to remember that the giant mortgage was to live near family and this will make a huge difference when school starts as we will not have too much to worry about with school pick ups, holidays, emergencies etc whereas we were very isolated before.

I am hope this means that things will not get harder when school starts!!!

@UsingChangeofName yes I will definitely be keeping to 4 days and not sacrificing to work a full time week. It is sometimes tempting to wonder whether working the shorter days would be less of a stress but I don't think it outweighs a full day off.

At the moment that day off is exhausting with 2 preschoolers but once DC4 starts school in September I am looking forward to a day with just DC1 which will be easier and a chance to have the 121 time that you just don't get with child 2.

I really fought to get my 3 day arrangement in my previous job so I was so gutted when they were changing the pay structure and the new salary just wasn't going to work with the new mortgage. I really feel bitter about it as that job was 3 days 100% from home and before the restructure it was a similar salary to this. And I could do the job with my eyes shut. But unfortunately it was a post covid restructure and many others in my team were made redundant, some still out of work, so I have to remember that I was lucky to just jump to something different even though it is not as good an arrangement.

There really aren't other 3 day roles or anything less than 4 day/compressed hours in my sort of work though. So I probably just need to buckle down for now!