Why did you have a child / children?

[AminaJ]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this post, but I wanted to ask:

Why did you decide to have a child /children?

I love kids but I'm terrified at the thought of having one. People say it's so hard. My husband is keen for one. We need to start trying soon.

Any advice?

Don't assume it will be hard. It may be, but not always.

I have one ds, born when I was 45. I'm a full time working single mum. Apart from some early breastfeeding issues, he has been a joy, all the way through. I haven't found it hard.

Now he's a teen and we're still living in (more or less) harmony. 🙂

It’s literally been the best most fulfilling thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m not one of these crazy happy clappy non reality folk - I just genuinely really love my child and I’ve never been happier.

Why do you 'need' to start trying soon? How old are you? Start trying when you are ready and not before.

Fwiw I feel like my life only began when I had my son and I wish I'd had children when I was younger .

I just don't like the idea of people being pressured into things.

Because I wanted them and knew I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have them. That may not be very logical and maybe it's selfish, but it's the truth. I'm so glad I did as I find it so fulfilling.

I wanted a close family member to love (mums dead), I wanted an heir (not for money but to give someone else as many good memories of their youth and the feeling of loving family as I had) and I felt that I would be a good mum to someone.

I can't have more than one and I know plenty of people with two who say that two is harder. They don't always get along and it's more work. It's fine to have one.

I've always wanted children.
I don't find it hard as my children are pretty chilled out (most of the time!).

I had my DS when I was 26.

My DD & DS (twins) when I was 30.

I'm 31 in August and we haven't said no to anymore.

I just wanted children. It was something I could never see myself not doing but I would say you have to be sure. All babies are hard work and you might get one of those babies that sleeps well from the off and is happy to play on a playmat for a bit or be content at baby classes or sit in a cafe whilst you have a coffee. for me and my partner it’s incredibly hard. Expert screamer, reflux, egg and dairy allergies, not being able to breastfeed, so many illnesses including hospital stays for bronchiolitis, absolutely no family close by, a terrible sleeper for the first 11 months of his life ( 1-2 hourly wakeups) and now at 14 month old still has the most unchilled temperament I’ve ever come across and won’t sit still for even 10 seconds. it’s been a tough year. One that if I’m being truthful I have found very little joy in but I love him so much it’s incredible.

Thank you all. This is encouraging!

because I had an overwhelming urge to mother someone, its totally illogical but irresistible, if you have it. I suppose its called mothering instinct.

I have never regreted it - best thing I ever did.

I am asexual, and have no sexual desire at all, I have no understanding of why people want to couple up - but I guess it is something similar - totally illogical, but your instincts make you do it

She was an accident (much loved and wished for previously as was told I could not have kids) dd is 5 weeks old and I am 40 in October and I was shot scared when I found out as me and oh had only been together 7 months after divorcing ex but I would not change anything our life is perfect, they were the missing pieces of my life and I also got two bonus boys in the package

It really is the most amazing thing being able to raise a little person and teach them so many things.
For me though, I just had an unbelievable broody feeling and I am very maternal.
Being a parent is the hardest thing in the world. It really is draining in every sense. The sleep deprivation, the no rest, you can't switch off (ever). Your whole life just changes.
It is 100 percent worth it and the best thing we have ever done.

Because my OH wanted one and I was willing to give it a year to try👍

Honestly? I knew dh was ready. If I waited for me to definitively want a child it would have never happened. I made a conscious decision over some weeks and announced to dh on holiday that if he wanted to, we could start trying, so we did.

I've never had any overwhelming need or feeling, just made a logical, reasoned choice that it was a good time to have them.

I just thought it would be really interesting, and it has been. I'm not especially 'maternal' or good with babies or kids, but I have managed 14 years in!

I wasn’t especially broody. I’d met my partner later in life at 36, and before then I was fairly set on the idea that I didn’t want to be a single parent. I hadn’t quite gotten to the point of properly confronting the reality that I might not be a parent at all though. I guess I had some hope I’d meet someone and that sort of thing would work itself out.

Neither of us were desperate for a baby (and ideally we might’ve had another couple of years just the two of us) but I was 38 and when we imagined our futures we felt we’d have more regret if we didn’t have kids than if we did. We saw a family and we were ready in terms of the fact our lives had already stabilised and slowed down quite a bit. Lockdown helped with that, and it also meant we had come to know each other very well. We also talked to a lot of friends with kids and without who were honest with us about their lives and choices. A parent told us ‘it’s just a different way of living. Not better or worse. Every kind of life has pros and cons, and the biggest pro with kids is feeling that kind of love.’ I liked that idea.

We had a year of loss, which was hard, but now have a 10 month DD. It’s been tough but I can’t imagine our lives without her - she’s changed me fundamentally, I hope for the better, and the love is honestly indescribable. I want to be clear that it didn’t happen overnight though! It took me a few months of caring for her and warming to her and then it just crept up on me. I had no idea really before we had her what that would be like and at first I struggled with just how vulnerable I was because of it - It dawned on me that if anything happens to her, it will destroy me. I’d never known that kind of intensity before.

We’re trying for DC2 when DD turns 1, and if we’re successful that’ll be it for us.

I didn't particularly want a "baby" but I knew I wanted a family, if that makes sense? I'm rubbish with other people's children and never saw myself as particularly maternal.

The first 12 months were indeed pretty shit (made worse by covid probably), but now she's a toddler and it's ace. My only regret is not getting started sooner because it's honestly the best thing I've done.

I wasn't at all sure about having a baby. I wanted an older child - 10 years or so, and sort of accepted a baby as a means to that end! I had no experience of babies and tbh they sounded pretty unpleasant....

We're expecting number 4 now. DD IS just so incredible (from my VERY biased point of view) that having more was irresistible. It has been harder than I thought at times, but also more wonderful than I realised.

I would say it really helps if you're in a good position before you have a child. Progression at work is much harder afterwards, as are home improvements. So ideally get as much sorted before as possible, it makes everything so much smoother.

'A parent told us ‘it’s just a different way of living. Not better or worse. Every kind of life has pros and cons, and the biggest pro with kids is feeling that kind of love.’ I liked that idea.'

• I like this idea too @deliwoman1 deliwoman1!

Thank you everyone for the posts. They've been really helpful to read.

I don't feel particularly 'broody' and I don't have any overwhelming urge to have a baby - though I love watching other people's babies. I find it hard to imagine what motherhood is like - it's a big unknown.

It feels like it's a decision I have to make myself take (to try for one). It's nice to hear that some others were in this position... And then were glad about their decision!

It also seems like some people don't agonize about it at all and just know for sure. I guess everyone is different.

Very uplifting to read these posts!

Child 1: Because it just felt like the next
logical step after marriage. We did it because there was this sense of, “well that’s what married people do…”

Child 2: because I didn’t want our first child to be an only child.

Because I didnt want to get to the end of my life never having experienced parenthood. For me (and this is just me) its a major and important life experience that I didnt want to miss out on. There was also a huge biological urge for me to do it. I am so glad I did, dont regret it for one moment- being a parent has enriched my life in more ways than I can count.

@deliwoman1 sounds almost exactly the same as our story

I was 22, horny as fuck and on my honeymoon - and nobody was more surprised than me to find myself in the pudding club. I was bricking it telling my husband but I shouldn’t have worried. He was as happy as Larry. We went on to have two more , only one was planned.

Its been a challenge pursuing my career with the needs of a family, and it wouldn’t have been possible without the tireless and enthusiastic support of my husband, but we managed it.

None of it was planned and it’s been crazy busy but I wouldn’t have changed a thing. HOWEVER we could afford a nanny and a cleaner plus I had the active support of my parents, who live 10 mins away.

Kudos to those who do it with no support.

It's a tricky one as you don't know until you have one how you'll truly feel about it- but then of course it's too late to change things! I would say if you are unsure then take some more time and don't be pressured by DH, even in equal relationships invariably the woman is much more affected physically and life wise by having a child.

For me I'd never been one way or the other growing up. I was open minded and very much of the view that if I meet someone and we both are at a place we want a child then I'd be open to it, but similarly I always knew it was perfectly possible to build a fulfilling and enjoyable life without children (and I did this before I did have DS). I'd been on contraception for over a decade and stupidly had unprotected sex within the danger zone after being sick just after taking it one day- didn't even cross my mind at the time which is bloody stupid but genuinely just didn't even consider it would be a problem. Me and my ex did talk about it extensively, but we'd been together a number of years at this point and it was something we had talked about a lot so decided to proceed.

If I hadn't had to make a decision based on already being pregnant not sure I'd have actively planned to TTC, life was good before and it is good now don't get me wrong- just different.

Its hard to really envisage how much it impacts your life but in good ways and bad ways. I changed jobs as my career couldn't withstand the constant time off when he was poorly (even with ex doing half); my body and mind have never been the same, I don't mean how my body looks but I have issues I didn't have before pregnancy and birth and I had PND which has left a lasting impact on my MH; the relentless and the stress if often overwhelming although not as intense now, he has issues with his chest so was in and out of hospital or needed the GP which was stressful and not something we considered extensively beforehand- but you never know really; I didn't think about the possibility of being a single parent which turned out to be the case a few years in (happily married to a wonderful man now though) and that was bloody hard.

That said DS brings me such joy, we have great fun and now I feel more myself I really enjoy everything about him. I do believe though I would have had an equally enjoyable life without a child though, I don't regret him but for me personally I don't believe it's the only route to happiness. Its a tricky one OP, everyone's experiences will be so different and depend on different circumstances etc.

I had them because I had always known I wanted to be a mum. I adore kids and knew I would be a natural. I have 3 and have honestly enjoyed being a parent. I’m not pretending it’s all been plain sailing, there’s definitely been very difficult patches! But honestly on the whole it’s just been great fun.

I don’t see many other people saying this, but this was me too. I had never wanted them, he did, I knew he’d be a great dad, I know I can tend to be risk averse in my decision making and so I took a calculated leap of faith.

I had Oliver Burkeman‘s words from his final guardian column in mind when I did:

”When stumped by a life choice, choose “enlargement” over happiness. I’m indebted to the Jungian therapist James Hollis for the insight that major personal decisions should be made not by asking, “Will this make me happy?”, but “Will this choice enlarge me or diminish me?” We’re terrible at predicting what will make us happy: the question swiftly gets bogged down in our narrow preferences for security and control. But the enlargement question elicits a deeper, intuitive response. You tend to just know whether, say, leaving or remaining in a relationship or a job, though it might bring short-term comfort, would mean cheating yourself of growth. (Relatedly, don’t worry about burning bridges: irreversible decisions tend to be more satisfying, because now there’s only one direction to travel – forward into whatever choice you made.)”