How much does your partner help with the baby?

[Mumtobe888]

Hello,
Im just wondering what other people’s experiences have been with their partner helping with the baby.
since my little one was born, my partner helped during the night for the first week and has never helped since.
I give him a bath, get him settled and a bottle for bed every night while my partner watches tv downstairs.
he hasn’t changed a nappy since that first week either.
we are argue all the time becuase I just want him to help a little bit more. I give our son most of his bottles, cleaning etc.
whenever I mention this my partner just says “well you go to work then and I’ll stay at home” but all I want is some more help.
I broke down this morning becuase I think perhaps my little one is starting the four month sleep regression and I’ve had two hours sleep. His family are all meeting at this fun family day thing at 10 and I said I wouldn’t go as I’ve hardly slept so instead of him offering to take our son out and off my hands for a little while he tells me he’s going to work instead. To which I said why can’t you just bloody help me.
am I being unreasonable, it’s been so hard and I’m so tired all the time. I’m finding it really hard to be nice to my partner and often I’m horrible to him becuase of it.
he says just speak to me nicely but I’d be in a much better mood if he’d help me more and i wasn’t so tired!

YANBU sounds like you have two children, a baby and an adult child. I think you already know he isn't doing enough.
My DH helps out alot and works 50 hour weeks. He does night feeds on the weekends and I do them in the week. He does bedtime 50% of the time. He takes DS (6months) out without me at least once a week so I get a break. And not a - do the housework break but sleep or just chill and watch TV.
The comment of you going back to work and him staying home is nonsense. Call his bluff. Tell him you'll look into how to make that happen. He wouldn't cope being at home all day with the baby from what you've said.
You need a break and he needs to step up otherwise you'll be better off without him OP.

My partner never helped with either of the children.

He parented them, just like me, because he isn't a pathetic excuse of a manchild.

My oh does a lot, and he does the bulk of childcare for the eldest too. One thing I would say is how do you talk to him when he does look after the baby? The reason I ask is that of my friends whose partners do nothing, every single one of them talk to them like they're an idiot when they're looking after the baby. "Errr have you got her head??" "He doesn't like it when you hold him like that" "You've not burped him properly" It makes them think "well what's the point?" And disengage. My brother's wife was the same. Spoke to my DB like he was a total idiot around the baby who didn't know what he was doing (even though DB is more than capable having looked after all of us when we were kids 😂) so DB just sat back and let her get on with. She then of course complained that he did nothing to help.
I find it really jarring and always point it out to them - they usually don't realise they're doing it. There was actually a similar article in the guardian about it. It was a woman whose gran told her "don't be the expert about the baby". Look it up.

I think you've got to give him actual jobs that are entirely his. So you do bath time. Or you look after the baby and change it's nappy whilst I go for a walk. Or you do this night feed etc

He doesn't help, he co parents because he's their dad. Even the one who's dad he isnt. He does baths, stories, changes beds in the night, if someone is sick we both get up and one showers sick kid (usually me) and he changes bedding and gets water etc. If washing needs doing, he might do it or I might do it. If hair needs doing for school and nursery I usually do the girls but he does the boys as he's v specific about their part. If packed lunch needs making he usually does that. I usually do breakfasts. If someone needs picking up from a club we agree between us who is going. I usually do bedtime routine for youngest and he does the 2 middle, youngest is a girl so needs her hair drying etc. Basically we just split things as they happen and always have done. If he's sick ill do more, if I'm sick he will do more.

My DH struggled when we had our first, on reflection he may well had PND himself and it put a lot of pressure on me. I found months 3-4 were the hardest emotionally and most exhausting.

I had to be very direct with DH so he knew what I needed 'help' with. But I completely agree with the pp (and said it to my DH multiple times, too) that I didn't need 'help', I needed him to parent and to share responsibility and to see/know what needed doing for himself. I lost count of the number of times I pointed out that his working day has a start and an end, my working day is 24/7 so we needed to find some balance for us both before one of us burnt out.

I'd lose it at him tbh honest and tell him to shape up or ship out. What is he, a father or an overgrown teenager? Oh you've been to work, poor thing, like a good 50% (probably more!) of the other parents in the world. Man the fuck up and parent your child.

Are you very young? He sounds immature.

Babies mean less leisure time because you can't just turn them off. Right now he's got what - 8 hours of work a day, 8 hours sleep, 8 hours free time? And you have 24 hours a day of caring for a baby. So he gets 8 hours on, 16 hours off and you get 24 hours on. How is that fair?

Having a baby is a shock to the system and it takes time to adjust, sometimes relationships are bumpy and we can be not exactly our best selves for a bit - but he's not even trying. Men are also sometimes concerned with not being 'able to do it' by struggling to settle a baby, knowing how to dress them and make up bottles etc - if they don't step up and learn then it becomes a thing that only you know how to do and you end up doing it forever.

The kicker is that men can basically walk away and you end up doing all the shit by yourself anyway with a pittance from them and they see the baby for a few hours a week if they can be arsed. But ultimately doing it all yourself is better and more empowering than having to live with someone who can't be arsed to step up. There are plenty of amazing things about having a child, he's not going to enjoy any of them if he keeps this up.

Help?! No. We parented equally when we were both at home.

Yes to pp saying parenting equally. With my first, my dh was a bit rubbish, but we’ve had some very frank discussions in our relationship and he’s since worked on stuff. With my second, it’s been far more equal. Lots of nappy changes (if we’re both there usually one does one then other does the next), if I am wfh on something that needs my full attention then he takes dd out, if I’m cooking he often plays with dd to keep her busy etc. I did exclusive breastfeeding (so it was a lot from me in early days when they’re just being held by you 24/7) and co-sleep, so I do the wake-ups at night (he has got up before to grab her a beaker of water or similar though and always does the other part of bedding/washing if a child is sick). Equally, I always do the hair washing at bath time, but he’d sometimes do the play part if I was cooking etc. That’s just what works for us though, as he’s a bit rubbish with hair washing and I don’t see a huge point in pushing that specific thing seeing as he does all the other stuff.

In your position I’d definitely be pointing out parenting should be equal. You might have tasks you tend to do because it works better for your family that way, but it should boil down to both putting in the same amount where possible. He shouldn’t ‘help’, the baby is his baby, so he needs to be parenting. He won’t bond fully with the baby without all that. It’s the parenting that bonds you, the bottles and the wake-ups and the cuddles and play and cleaning up sick or changing a nappy. It may take adjustment time for him, but he needs to step up and be a dad.

He didn't "help", he parented the baby he had joint responsibility for. I did 100% of the feeding because both our babies were EBF, but while he was working and I was on parental leave, I did everything with the baby while he was working and then we shared everything non-feeding while he was home. When he was on parental leave and I was working, he did everything while I was working and we shared everything when I was home.

Terminology around help or parent besides (and I do agree with pp). Dh did, and wanted to do, an equal share when D's was a baby. This might not have been exact mirroring of tasks, but for example if D's had been up lots on the night (I am a lighter sleeper and woke before dh anyway but if I asked him to he would go and settle him), then Dh would take over from about 4am until I'd had a good and proper sleep.

Now D's is older it's still equal.

Dh also resents people defaulting to asking me about things (ie: can DS have x y z) because he is his parent too.

Your dh needs to step up and parent his child.

As PP have said, stop referring to it as helping. That implies it's your job and he's giving you a hand. No. Start thinking of it as if you're a team - the person best able to step in at one point does it, then the other person takes on a different task. Spending time with little ones is being a parent. Changing nappies is a chance to chat to them or sing a song, have a cuddle or a tickle. Bath time is a chance to enjoy seeing their reactions to the water. Illness isn't fun to deal with but surely the desire to protect kicks in?

Yep, same here.
It’s not help it’s parenting.
When mine were small and I was a sahp we shared child related duties at evenings and weekends

Its not "helping" its taking responsibility for his own children like an adult.
DS father did nothing with him so I left him. He wasn't a father or husband and just made more mess to add to everything else.

Yes yes yes to the 'it's not helping, it's parenting'. This child is 50% his. My husband didn't do nights because I was breastfeeding with both and I preferred him to get up super early and take DC away for a couple of hours so I could get uninterrupted sleep, but otherwise he just parents, as I do. Some days he does more, some days I do more, that's just the way life works. Your partner sounds like he's doing fuck all and I would be reading the riot act and thinking how my life would look without him in it at all.

His argument 'ill help with the baby if you go to work' is ridiculous. Is he at work 24/7? No. Does the baby need caring for 24/7? Yes.

When you're both at home the parenting should be equal

If the baby is bottle fed I'd bring tempted to go out and keave him to it. You're both parents, he shouldn't be helping he should be equally looking after his baby.

While I was on maternity leave each time with my two I did all the caring for the babies during the hours he was at work. When we were both home we both did the parenting as is normal and expected in this century! I breastfed so he couldn't do the feeding or night wakings so he did most nappy changes, bathing and playing.

I get very frustrated with my DH but tbh he does a lot more than yours and I would be beside myself with rage if he did so little. I do night feeds but when he is off work he takes our DD for the morning while I catch up on sleep. He does nappies etc and takes baths with her and we do lots out and about together but most menial things take me asking him, I am beyond doubt the default for almost everything and it drives me nuts. But I need the option to catch up on sleep if necessary, and your DH should absolutely not be making you survive on two hours sleep. Sometimes it's easier on your own because the expectation of someone helping you and failing is more disheartening than just getting on with it. He's lucky to have you, think about whether he actually deserves you x

Your DP sounds awful!

Mine never 'helped out'. He is an equal parent. Every time he's at home he does all that he can. Does absolutely everything and will volunteer to give me sleep / take the kids out, anything. For context he works an exhausting job in the emergency services and I'm a sahm.

So he works 8 hours a day and you work 24 hours a day?

He sounds useless! My DH didn't do much nighttime stuff when DD was small as she was breastfed - but he's always done nappies, meals, bathtimes, bedtimes - loves playing with her and we both have one day off a week where we do childcare. He's fantastic but also..., he's her dad and that's his job - to do 50% of the parenting.

My OH and other parent to our child does 50/50 he’s home. Even when I was on maternity leave and he was the only one working we took it in turns every morning to wake up with DS. If he wakes up at 6 or 7, the other person doesn’t have to get up till 7.45 as that’s enough time to get everybody ready. He takes on a lesser role with daily housework due to hours but does do all gardening, diy etc.

Oh wow, that was a very difficult post to read. You don’t deserve the way he’s treating you.

for context, we have a 21 month old who still
wakes up every night. Husband is 50/50
on everything. Right from the beginning, as much as he could anyway

during maternity leave I also had nights with barely any sleep. He would use his lunch break when wfh and take baby so I could sleep or just go relax for an hour or log off early/ log on later so I could sleep / relax.

you are both this little persons parents and have equal responsibility. I understand if he was out of the house working but even then, he could come back and take the baby for a hour or so.

The fact he won’t even help on his day off is shocking. He’s being extremely nasty

you deserve better.

My DH probably does more than me with DD2.5 due to work schedules it's easier for him to take and collect her from nursery while I sort the older two. We share the bedtimes and early mornings 50/50.