Did I make a mistake having a second child?

[OfAllThePeopleWhyDoIHaveToBeMe]

I loathe myself for even typing it out and I worry that somehow in a few years ds will find this post and be screwed up for life. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to stop thinking like this. Please help me. Please someone tell me it gets easier.

He can be a really lovely child (Almost 2 years old). However, if he doesn't get what he wants he starts screaming, hitting, punching throwing things, pulling hair, etc. And that is most of the time as it's really difficult to figure out what he wants at times or at other times it's just not something that he can have. I'm so tired of the constant screaming. I've got no time for my older daughter because he's always in such a bad mood and screaming. I feel so bad for neglecting her. For never being able to listen to her because he's just screaming let alone play with her. Whe he's angry he lets it out on her as well. Hits, scratches, pulls her hair. Whatever hurts. And he gets so jealous of her. If I give her a quick cuddle he gets upset and tries to push her away. Sometimes they play beautifully together but mostly he is quite aggressive and violent with her.

If doesn't help that he falls ill all the time and I'm worried sick both about his health and about how to do my job. I'm running late on all my projects and am in constant fear every morning that he's ill and one of us has to take leave again.

He also makes such a mess. It takes us ages every evening to clean up the food he throws at dinner.

I guess all of this is normal but I'm starting to really worry whether he really will grow out of this. What if he doesn't? You read on MN all the time of violent older children that are violent to their family. What if that will be him? And I'm so tired of the constant screaming. And I feel so guilty for my older daughter. I knew I wouldn't have so much time for her anymore and we tried to prepare her for that but I'm not sure I had realised that I would have no time for her. She is still so excited about having a little brother but most of the time when she tries to interact with him he just gets really aggressive.

I'm starting to feel really depressed and whether we made a mistake having a second child. Will DD suffer for it? Will ds suffer because I'm struggling to cope and getting more and more impatient with him? And what if he won't grow out of it?

I know people cope with more kids so I don't know why I find just two so hard. Dh is pretty hands on so it's not even as if it's just me. However, he has a chronic illness so at lot of the time it is just me with two kids and I feel I'm failing both of them.

Kids are different temperaments. I guess that's all I can say. That said, my six year old is still violent towards us and screams about everything

I dont think it's helpful to consider if it was a mistake. You are where you are!

Can you seek any help for his behaviour? Does he go to nursery?

Can you get any help? Some time out or just with your daughter might help? You must be shattered. My son is 4 and was pretty hard work when he didn't get his own way from about 2,5 until fairly recently. He would trash his room, throw things down the stairs, have 2 h tantrums over not getting a biscuit. But it's definitely better. It's all pretty normal from what I hear. Mine is a total charmer at school but a mare at home.

I had the same probably recently, DD didn’t want to know her older brother, hit him, screamed when he came near me. It was awful, we just persevered and didn’t stop acting normal with DS, still cuddled him and played with him even if DD was kicking off. Find something he loves and get her involved, keep getting them to play together and if he screams just ignore, he’ll soon learn. Mine love each other like 70% of the time now which I can cope with! It’s took time but they will get there

Poor you OP sounds knackering. For what it’s worth 2 year olds are the most aggressive age group of all (including young men!). Aggression is quite normal for toddlers although his sounds at the upper end of normal.

Does he watch a lot of TV? Does he sleep well? What’s his eating like? It’s helpful to paint a picture of his life and routines to see if something is exacerbating it somewhere.

My almost 2 year old is exactly the same!
He's a lovely boy...but my god he drives me fuckin crazy.
Tantrums cause I said no to sweets for breakfast...hitting me, throwing himself to the floor, throwing his dinner on the floor cause he dropped 1 bean ect.
It does pass...in my experience boys at this age are little monsters but mellow out around age 3/4
It will pass, it will be okay

Also...my toddler is also extremely jealous, I can't hug his dad without him trying to get better us lol

My 1.5 yr old DS is going a similar way! Not as bad as you describe but getting worse as he ages so on that course. My DD is nearly 5 and is frankly amazing with him, but shes so soft that I worry about her and also that this is making his behaviour worse because she doesn't retaliate. Not that I would ever want her to be physical with him but a couple of times recently he's hurt her - intentional actions but obviously wouldn't understand what he was doing would hurt her as hes too young - and she's just sat there and took it and cried! Instead of moving away or grabbing his arm to stop him or anything at all. I feel a bit at a loss as to how to navigate all that and I do worry about it getting worse as he ages. He has also recently started to show some jealousy too, a few times he will be playing alone in the room and DD will ask me to read her a story, she will sit with me and then he's strsight over shouting and trying to push the book away and asking me to read him a different one and trying to climb in my lap. I feel so sorry for my eldest tbh as she absolutely adores him and is the sweetest, most caring sibling ever and then she has all this to put up with now!

I have absolutely no advice I'm afraid but definitely solidarity!

Mine is the same. Doesn't really hit. But throwing is a real issue. Lots of tantrums if he doesn't get his own way. It's relentless and this week I've really needed a break. Though I can't offer any help, I know how it feels.

My seven year old is similar but he is very slowly improving. In our case it started when he was three.

OP you can’t go back in time so you have to meet your child where he is currently and keep on parenting. Be consistent, firm with boundaries and loving. If you are concerned about SEN then that’s something you can discuss with his preschool/school as he ages.

My opinion is you have a 2 year old, some are definitely more aggressive but they all make mess, have tantrums, can’t communicate- it charges so much in 6 months-1year once the speech comes in and they calm down.

I agree with the consistency of boundaries and routine.

I would kindly suggest you contact the health visiting team next week - has he had his 2y old development check? HV teams can help you with finding out what his triggers are, why he is constantly crying/tantrums, check for any SEN, hearing problems, SLC support, challenging behaviour support (they do referrals to other services to help support you with the tools to manage/re-direct), and basically help you help him and support you all (and big sis!) by carrying out a support assessment for the whole family. You don't have to get through this tough period alone