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Parenting

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Original poster

If you lost a parent when you were a child….

11 replies

DR91 · 28/04/2023 20:53

Did you relive the grief all over again in a different perspective when you had your own child?

My dad died when I was a teenager, he battled a terrible disease for 5 years. He was in his 40s. I thought I’d dealt with it fairly well, but now I have my own child I feel like I clearly didn’t deal with it as well as I thought I had.

I was fine the first year of motherhood, weirdly, but then since then I can’t stop going over what my dad must’ve been going through as a parent knowing he was leaving his children. I’ve developed quite severe health anxiety. My mind literally makes up physical symptoms (eg I watched a tv show last night which included in a character with a certain illness, today I literally can feel the symptoms they discussed on the show). It’s been about two years now of me feeling like this but it feels like a lifetime, I’m almost frozen with fear a lot of the time.

I’ve started with counselling sessions but I’m not sure if I actually need cbt. I can’t see me ever not feeling this way currently but I so desperately want to get back to being the mum I was in the first year of my child’s life.

OP posts:

MRIresults · 28/04/2023 21:35

Yes, although I wasn't a child when my mum died I was still young (20s). I also thought I'd dealt with it well but anxiety hit when I had my first child and I've had it since. I had CBT after I had my second child and it definitely helped but not as much as I'd like.

My anxiety is still up and down, often health anxiety just like you describe but it also trickles into generalised anxiety about everything.

I was looking through pictures of me before I had DC the other day and it took me back and I was shocked remembering how I was then and how I am a completely different person now, ruled by anxiety. I'd forgotten there was ever a time I wasn't like this if that makes sense. It's a pretty sad realisation really.

My mum had cancer and it was all so unfair and horrible. We watched a Stand Up To Cancer program the other day and it's massively triggered me, I've been wondering if DH or I are dying since and noticing lots of symptoms.

I'm so sorry, I know it's miserable.

MRIresults · 28/04/2023 21:35

My anxiety is still up and down, often health anxiety just like you describe but it also trickles into generalised anxiety about everything.

I'm so sorry, I know it's miserable.

iamruth · 28/04/2023 21:41

I’m so sorry for your loss. I was 15 when my mum died and now I have children of my own I do feel like you describe. Incidentally I had my eldest at the exact age that my mum had me and as I approach the age that she first became unwell I realise how young I was when going through it all. My mum was 41 when she died and I find myself terrified that the same will happen to me the closer it gets.

Gazelda · 28/04/2023 21:46

My mum died when I was a tot.

If anything, it's made more blasé about my own health, because I know that death can come to any of us at any time. Mad, I know. And I'd give anything for my DC not to experience the loss I have.

I do however get maudlin at milestones that my own DM never lived to see. First day at school, me living to an older age than she reached, my DD having both parents at an older age that I did etc.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/04/2023 22:06

I was a young teen when my dad died very suddenly (accident). I defo struggled a bit when I reached the age he was when he died (early 40s). If anything though, it made me appreciate the frailties of life and the need to grasp things, do things, generally make the most of life. You can’t predict the future, so don’t try..

Torrennce · 28/04/2023 22:11

My dad died when I was 11 - I'm 31 now with 2 children. I think having children has added to my grief as I know how great a grandad he would have been and I feel cheated out of seeing him with them. Same with significant times in my life, when I got exam results, started uni, when I graduated, had my first child - all times I wanted him there and he wasn't, the pain is just increasing some times it's unbearable

Dinopawus · 28/04/2023 22:15

Yes. I lost my DPs very young and I think I had to revisit and reprocess my grief at every life stage. As a young child you can only appreciate what you have lost from the POV of a child. As a teen/adult/parent you have different perspectives.

Once i finally accessed counselling, I found it helpful to work through my feelings.

Ginger1982 · 28/04/2023 22:18

My dad died when I was 13. He was 43. I'm 40 and I think reaching 44 will feel very strange. It does make me wonder what went through his head when he was given his terminal diagnosis and how he felt knowing he was leaving us. I look at DS sometimes and worry about something happening to me. I've missed my dad so much over the years.

But you can't allow it to consume you to the point where you're not living in the moment. That isn't good for anyone.

bideyinn · 28/04/2023 22:23

My Dad died when I was very young, quite suddenly from an illness. I am quite health anxious too and I think its affected me more as I’ve got older. I tried to access cruse counselling this year but they practically laughed in my face when i told them how long ago he died. I didn’t get it. Theres no support for adults bereaved as children and I’m from a generation where their needs were simply ignored. I feel very sad for my 5 year old self but only realise how awful it was by thinking about how awful such a trauma would have been for my children.

ButtonSister · 28/04/2023 22:28

Yes, lost both parents in teens, both after long illnesses. Was terrified I wouldn't be around to see my children grow up, also brought out a lot of anger as to how my mother had failed to recognise my emotional needs when my dad was dying/dead.
I think parenthood is a catalyst for many in terms of comparing their own childhood experiences, and seeing events in a different way.
Counselling did help.
It's totally understandable that you feel this way and I wish you well in getting the support you need.

thaegumathteth · 28/04/2023 22:29

I hope you don't mind me posting - please do say if so. I didn't lose my parents young but I lost an extremely close family member very suddenly when we were both under 10. I suffer with horrific health anxiety and I'm sure it all stems from this. She died of a brain haemorrhage but I worry about anything and everything.

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