Putting kids to bed

[ralaa]

I have a 3 & 5 year old.
We have always taken them to bed (separately) and lie with them until they fall asleep. They get upset and cry if we go out before they are asleep.

I was speaking with some other Mums recently and they all said they put their kids in bed and leave the room and just keep putting them back in bed every time they walk out.

We currently don't get time on our own until around 9 each evening.

What do you do? And when they cry their eyes out, do you keep going back in to reassure??

I have a 3 and a 6 year old. The 3 yr old we stay with until she goes to sleep but the 6 year old we usually leave now after stories.

With the oldest we started by saying we had to leave for 5 mins to finish chores and then we would be back, we did go back and then every week we increased the time by 5 mins. You could also try a yoto player.

We put our three year old to bed, say good night and shut the door. He sometimes chats away for a while but we just ignore him. If he needs something, we'll go in but generally we just leave him to it. I have a silly little song that I do when I put him to bed so he knows it's time to go to sleep.

Are you me? 😂 That's my life exactly. No answers sorry but you're not alone.

I have a lot less parenting experience than you, as my DS is only 2, but he goes to sleep on his own.

One method that might work for you is the one where you say you’re just popping out of the room to get something and you’ll be back in a minute. You keep doing that, returning very quickly at first and then stay out for longer and longer. The idea is that they’ll get used to you not being there, and will fall asleep while they’re waiting for you.

You could also do gradual retreat. Each few nights you move a bit closer to the door

I've never stayed with them until they slept and they've never asked me to. From when they were newborns I always put them down sleepy but awake and they've always known how to fall asleep on their own. I don't mean to sound smug - maybe it's just good luck! But I always really wanted to teach them to sleep alone because I desperately needed downtime in the evenings.

I wouldnt leave a child crying their eyes out. If your children would do this, I don't think they're ready to sleep alone.

Would you consider them sharing? Might they be happier dropping off with company even if it's not you?

Yes, some children are happy to drop off alone and easily switch to independent sleeping. My eldest I coslept with until 2.5, and then she slept alone and had no issue with this. We had no crying and no need for "training". But that'sher personality! My younger two I GUARANTEE will not transition easily in the way she did. You parent the child you have!

What has worked well for you with other transitions? Is either of them motivated by sticker charts/rewards?

Try gradual retreat. We did this with DC1 over a period of about 9 months from about 15 months-2. It was so gentle, he never cried, went from co sleeping to falling asleep in his own bed.

DC2 has always dropped off by herself since birth, just luck of the draw. They are 2.5 and 5 now and love listening to stories on their yoto player. We ask them what they want, put it on and leave them to it (after reading them stories 1-1).

I did this when my DC were little. I think age 3 is relatively old to still be doing it though. I think you could try leaving the room and popping back in to say shhhh if they are crying.

We trained ours at a sensible age to go to sleep on their own! 2, 6, 9 and they all go to sleep on their own with no fuss.

Depends on what gets them to sleep fastest. My 2yo (still in a cot) is v good at settling and doesn't take long, no terse. I do bedtime solo lots of nights due to DH being a shift worker, and I can leave her but in and out of the 5yo's bed and if she's refusing to settle I just get in and lie down with her. Bitter experience tells me it's the quickest and easiest way.

I did what @Hazelnuttella did with both of mine - youngest has adjusted v quickly and happy to settle, eldest still doesn't go for it often

Your 5 year old may be able to get to the stage to go to sleep alone quite quickly with use of a podcast, yoto or similar, and maybe a sticker chart for staying in the room. 3 is quite little if they are used to having someone with them.

Still get into bed with my 3 yo (youngest of 3 DC). If we left, he wouldn't cry his eyes out, he'd just get out of bed and play! I never understand why other people's DC don't do this...

My daughter is a teen now… but I think it was around 5/6 when she eventually started to be happy to be left after saying good night - and I think she may have been 7 or even 8 when the good night process started to became shorter
around 3-4 she was the queen of excuses- another story, need the potty, thirsty, hungry, have a super important existential question, needs another teddy, it’s the wrong teddy, the PJs are suddenly the wrong ones…
the only thing that helped was, gradual increase of leaving her in the room - say “I really need the toilet, back in 2” and you actually go back, next you need to turn on the washer (or whatever) - so will be back in 5… again go back
that and give them a quiet activity to do in bed after goodnight - some colouring with a flash light, read to their teddies, act the bed time story with their dolls, listen to an audiobook - you don’t get involved - that’s just what they do while you do your errands, and go back to check
eventually they are happy to have their bedtime routine and then stay in bed doing whatever
they do grow out it
believe me - they do
its not easy and you’ll wish it was quicker
but one day they’ll turn around and decide they can get themselves into bed and the next thing they are texting you good night since they are “too tired to go down to give you a hug”
its hard, but there’s an end to it… for me giving her something quiet to do in bed, with a nightlight) was the game changer

I've never understood why my 3 year old doesn't do this! He's in a room with his toys and yet he's never got out of bed without us coming into the room. In the morning he just shouts to us that he wants to get up and play ignoring the fact that he could just get up and play!

Had a good year of this with DC1 when first moved to a bed - it was amazing! Wore off eventually when he was about 3.

At these ages it's pretty easy to transition.

I'd get them used to the idea slowly. Sit with them but suddenly pretend you need the loo or something and pop out. Come right back. They might cry, since they're not used to it, but it will only be for a minute or so. Repeat this until they're ok with you leaving for a minute.

Then extend the leaving time for a longer made up reason. After a while, you'll find that there's a length of time where they just fall asleep safe in the knowledge you'll always come back.

At this point you can say I'll come back to check on you when I go to bed, and IME they will be fine with this. If still a bit unsure, you could offer to replace your presence with an audio book on quietly or some calming music.

Our child taken to bed, read too, kissed goodnight and left in bed at 6pm

No crying, time got layer as our child grew.

I sit with my 3.5 year old and make it very clear it is for one minute only. We sit in silence for one minute then I say goodnight and leave. Obviously a few years back we had dramas at night like everyone but I point blank refuse to sit there now. I have a 7 month old to get to bed too so it has to be both in bed by 7.30/8pm we need our time too.

Our son I literally had to hold him to sleep and then put him down gently 10 minutes after he fell asleep. Then he would wake every couple of hours or less, we had him in our bed every night once he woke up. He was about 1.5 years by then.
It was awful, basically I put his mattress on the floor in his room and didn't let him "get on" me but was giving him a hug and it was 2-3 nights of screaming and crying, I'm surprised the neighbours didn't think it was some horrible abuse.
Eventually he got used to that and I could leave the room, but he still woke every single night crying at some point until he was over 2.
I think it literally depends so much on the child, but if you want to go against that you really have to grit your teeth and do it, and even then it might not be the perfect solution that other people seem to have effortlessly.
He is 3.5 now and still wakes regularly crying on the night, but not as often as before.

Same but I'm a maternity nurse so dd was in good sloping habits From
Day 1

She's 6 now and still goes to bed 630 and falls asleep by self

It's what we started from little so she knows no diff

Have friends and family who do what op does and drives them nuts

Or some lie on the floor till they sleep

I've given them options like Gradual retreat but they can't follow through

Never stayed until they fall asleep I can imagine if you start that it's hard to break the habit ?

My eldest who's 11 we did the same for our 9 month old. Bed at 7ish, story, bottle, quick kiss and cuddle and down awake - she self settled
And nods off anything between 10-30 mins chatting away

Bar illness / teething / upset about something this just continued so we get the evenings together me and hubby and sometimes our eldest who stays down with us depending on what we are doing that night x

To add I've done this from around 7 months so only recently, I used to rock to sleep but I didn't want to get into that habit as my baby is 20lbs and my back is bad since last pregnancy so she's just used to this now and knows no different- she hasn't ever cried and on the times she does which is sometimes - I always pick
Up, cuddle and put back for her to self settle
I don't let her cio and I don't not pick her up
I understand yours are older so not a baby so if that were me I would just stagger moving away slowly over time x

I don't think it is difficult to break the habit at 3+ years.

I think you basically have four choices.

Never start it - bit late - but what many people are suggesting in the thread so thought I had better include it! You never have the issue because they never make the association between falling asleep + parent being there

Get fed up with it at some point before about age 3, and have to do some kind of sleep training to stop doing it - might be a hassle/emotionally difficult, because they associate you being there with safety so they find it scary when you leave.

Wait until they are 3+ years and then you can fairly easily nudge them out of the habit, because a child that age (assuming neurotypical, it might be harder if not) completely understands that you being downstairs/in another room is not the same as being left totally alone. They may still protest because they are used to you being there, but it's much easier than with a younger child who literally doesn't understand.

Wait until they grow out of it without any nudging. (ie, ask you to leave themselves) Which will probably be around 6-8 years unless you happen to have a child who really likes their own space.

(All ages obviously may vary between children but are very rough averages)