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4 year old has no friends

14 replies

PastaFasool · 27/04/2023 09:52

My 4 year old DS is starting school in September. School have sent us a form asking if he has any friends they can place in his class to help settling in (standard form to all parents). Problem is, he doesn't have any particular friends going to his school, and I feel terrible for him.

He goes to a local childminder 2 days a week, he plays with the other children his age there (there's about 4-5 children he mentions that he plays with there), but we don't see them outside the childminder setting. He has a local friend on our street that he plays with, but she's younger and not going to school this year. I have friends with children his age that he plays with, but not in local area. He plays nicely with his cousins and family friends' kids, loves playdates, always makes new friends at the park, but he doesn't see the same kids regularly enough to make proper friends. He's never been invited to a birthday party or playdate with childminder kids.

Basically, I'm just really worried that he's going to struggle at school and that I've messed up socialising him. I've seen him on playdates, he's great playing outside with other kids, not so good when there are toys around as he gets distracted by new toys at other people's houses and ignores kids for toys.

Full disclosure: both me and my older brother struggled making friends at school, both of us are a bit weird and awkward although we've found our way much better as adults. So I definitely worry about the same for DS.

Generally he's happy, cheerful, sociable, talkative, active - I just worry that he's lacking the skills to make friends and will get left out at school. I'll speak to the childminder, previously they've said he needs a bit lacking social skills with other kids but not to the extent that they think it's a big problem, just that we should do more playdates.

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Heinzbakedbeans · 27/04/2023 09:56

At that age my dd only really had one friend from her ballet class and that girl's mum was the only friend I had made in 4 years of being a SAHM. My dd was the only child from her nursery at her school so she had to start from fresh. It was fine, she has a little group of buddies quite quickly despite being shy.

There may be a parents group for the year in fb, or you could start one, and suggest some meet ups at a playground.

Beamur · 27/04/2023 09:58

It's a standard form.
My DD knew no one when she started at school.
It will be fine. Try not to project your own worries, having children start school can be hugely triggering if you had a bad time yourself.
Kids play alongside, rather than with for a long time. Going to school helps teach kids these social skills. Just keep doing fun things with your child and let them be alongside other children.
Not everyone is hugely sociable though, my DD is a teen now and has friends but doesn't spend a huge amount of time socialising as she likes quiet time at home too.

Coffeeandbourbons · 27/04/2023 09:59

So he’s no unpopular just doesn’t see any kids consistently enough to make friends (‘friends’ at 4 is a bit of a loose term anwyay).

Just write on the form a bit about the kind of little boy he is and say you’d be grateful if he could be placed and sat with some similar children (boy or girl)

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Mutabiliss · 27/04/2023 10:11

He'll be absolutely fine. My son's starting school in September too and will only know one child there, who he doesn't play with at nursery. The school he's going to has a school nursery attached but the hours aren't long enough for us with work, so he doesn't go there.

I do feel a bit guilty that the other kids will already know each other, but I'm sure he will slot in fine and there will be lots of others who've come from other nurseries, childminders or haven't been to anywhere before starting school.

PastaFasool · 27/04/2023 10:16

@Coffeeandbourbons I'm hoping it's just that. DS's social skills are a bit lacking at times (he doesn't always listen or pick up social cues), but he's improving and sometimes just clicks with other kids easily. He's really friendly and imaginative and not at all shy.

I know a few of the local parents to chat to on the street, my husband's going to a local dads meetup on Friday night, so we are trying to be part of the parenting "scene" around here - but it's all definitely bringing up many feelings of struggling to make friends as a kid!

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MintJulia · 27/04/2023 10:16

Don't worry. That's pretty normal unless your dc goes to the nursery attached to the primary school, and mine didn't.

It won't take long 🙂

RudsyFarmer · 27/04/2023 10:16

Give it no further thought. Honestly. I work with children this age and they all play together. Any friendships that I remember when my own children were a similar age are no longer or they’ve changed through time to be diluted.

My own son had a bestie for years but then suddenly at 9 swapped friendship groups and hardly acknowledge each other any more. No animosity but their interests changed.

I’ve noticed so many parents get worked up about friendship groups due to their own childhoods. Try to leave your bad experiences in the past and let your kids go out in the world unburdened.

troppibambini6 · 27/04/2023 10:21

One of my kids started school knowing no one. We'd just moved from another area. She came home in the first day with a "best friend" called lily. She stayed best friends with her all the at through primary. They went to different secondary schools but stayed in touch and still are now (both 18).
He will be fine, there will be loads of other kids in a similar situation and reception is a really kind friendly place to be.

PastaFasool · 27/04/2023 10:29

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I know I've not always been the best at making friends, and I really don't want to inflict my own issues onto poor DS! I feel a bit better for this thread though, and we'll just keep trying to make sure he has a happy and fun time outside childminder and nursery ❤

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DelilahBucket · 27/04/2023 10:34

I really wouldn't worry about it. DS has started two primary schools and a secondary where he didn't know anyone at all. He was fine and made friends quickly.

Skybluepinky · 27/04/2023 10:37

Going to the childminder means he will have made strong friendships, not everyone has birthday parties.
Lots of children go to school knowing no one and go just fine. Years ago no one went to preschools/nurseries or childminders and they all got on fine at school.
Dont over think it.

AlltheFs · 27/04/2023 10:45

DD goes to nursery miles away from
where she will go to school. She won’t know anyone when she starts school next year.

She does have nursery friends and I have the opposite problem that I am worried about breaking her heart when they all go to different places. Which I know is daft as at that age they move on fine.

We are using a nursery near where we used to live as it is so good, but it’s 25 min drive from where we live now. But she will go to school in the village where we live so should make long term friends here which is important.

She’s an only child with no cousins so I really need to compensate for that.

NewMum0305 · 27/04/2023 12:09

I mean this with total kindness: you are overthinking this.

He sounds totally normal for his age. Some children will have specific friends they went to nursery etc with going to the same school, which is what the form is trying to pick up, but not having that will be very common and not any kind of failure on his or your part!

PastaFasool · 27/04/2023 14:51

Thank you everyone:
@NewMum0305 I'm sure you're right, overthinking is my speciality...
@RudsyFarmer "Try to leave your bad experiences in the past and let your kids go out in the world unburdened" - such good advice, thank you!

I will have a meeting with the childminder anyway to get their thoughts, but I hope this is just me worrying, and that school will be a good place for him to really start practicing hanging out with the same children every day.

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