Worried about DD Best Friend

[vitahelp]

My DD is 4 years old and in reception. For the majority of the school year she has been best friends with a boy in her class. He is quite a naughty child, he is disruptive, has been known to hurt/chase/scare other children. I have to mention that he has autism and ADHD. His parents are lovely and doing an excellent job, this isn't a parenting issue and isn't anyone's fault.

I know I can't control who she is friends with, and I do sympathise with the boy and his parents, and certainly wouldn't want him to have no friends. I know DD could have a positive impact on his life. However I worry about the affect it is having on her. It would be better if they were part of a bigger group of friends, however they are very much best friends and seem to do everything together at school and ignore other people. She is generally a well behaved child who likes everyone to be happy, and was very well behaved in nursery. However I've heard she is doing a few naughty things in school now along with her best friend, and she has had a few out of character moments at home recently (e.g. randomly squaring up to me last night when I asked her to do something). These moments seem very in line with the things her best friend does. I know I can't prove it and maybe she was always going to go down this path. He also has deliberately hurt her on occasion, each time this has been addressed by both teachers and her parents, but I still feel sad for her that she seems to care about him so much but may never get that in return.

I suppose there is nothing I can do, but I'm just worried and want some reassurance.

Continue to enforce your usual boundaries and expectations at home so that she knows disruptive / rude behaviour won't be tolerated. Kids are good at figuring out what is acceptable where and there's no real reason her home behaviour should more than wobble.

As for friendships, I'd allow the friendship with the boy to continue but also try to facilitate a wider friendship group to. Can you arrange playdates with other children in the class? Or perhaps children from any clubs etc she attends? It'll be good for her to be around kids with more even temperaments as well as her friend and anyway, it isn't ideal for kids to have just one close friend. Can get very tricky if they fall out and are then left without a social circle.

Behaviour like squaring up to you might have happened even if she was best friends with someone else. It's very common to learn undesirable stuff once school starts like swear words.

I still feel sad for her that she seems to care about him so much but may never get that in return. That is sad but you've got to remember that people show affection differently and just because it's not shown in the conventional way, it doesn't mean he doesn't like her.

@CoalCraft Thanks for replying. Yes it does bother me that she seems set on just having one friend, thinking back she was the same at nursery and had one very clear best friend and wasn't too bothered about anyone else. Ir doesn't help that there are only 14 in her class so friend options are a bit more limited.

Yes I totally agree, I don't want her not to be friends with him, I just want her to not isolate herself too much. I have been wondering about play dates, I only do one school collection a week I have still been able to build a good rapport with some of the other parents. She does spend time with family kids who thankfully have a good temperament and behaviour. We do also want get her into more clubs to increase her social circle, particularly with being in such a small school class.

@WheelsUp That's it, we can't say for sure that it has anything to do with him, she may have done it either way. She did mention they were both throwing things at another child this week though and I know for a fact that just isn't (or at least didn't used to be) in her nature. Having witnessed her with other kids outside of school, she doesn't do deliberately mean things even if the other child is doing it to her.

That is sad but you've got to remember that people show affection differently and just because it's not shown in the conventional way, it doesn't mean he doesn't like her.
This is helpful and you are right. His Mum has told me that he really likes her yet I didn't know if she was just saying this to calm the waters after he had hurt her recently. However it could well be true, as his Mum would understand it better and be able to see that he cares, perhaps DD can see it too.

Her behaviour sounds very normal for her age so I wouldn’t be quick to blame her friend. No matter what you do, short of changing schools, you won’t be able to change her friendships.

@TheSnowyOwl Yes true. I do suspect I'm getting carried away and thinking it is worse than it is. It doesn't help that she doesn't really tell us much about school (despite us asking) but does tend to mention the times she did something silly. It probably isn't as often as I think. I may reach out to the teacher just to check this though. I probably just need to calm down, I'm prone to overthinking.