20 month old refusing dinner despite being hungry

[8aby8rain]

My 20 month old son has been extremely fussy with food for the last 2 months now and will pretty much 90% of the time refuse his dinner despite being hungry. I can tell he is hungry because he whinges for food while I'm cooking and then gets excited when it's ready and gets himself in his seat, but once I put the food in front of him he will more often than not have a tiny taste of it and then say no.

If I put pasta in front of him he'll gobble up loads, but other things like curries, pies, chinese, he won't eat. He won't even eat chicken nuggets or fish fingers or alphabet potato waffles. He eats egg and cheese and baked beans, toast and yoghurt. That is about the extent of his diet. The only veg he eats is what I hide in pasta/bolognese sauce. Fruit is hit and miss too, might eat a banana if that's all I offer him, but strawberries, blueberries, grapes are all a no.

I have read extensively all the other posts on this topic but I'm not getting any relief or reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by refusing to cook him or offer him another meal if he refuses his dinner. I have been doing this for weeks now, not pandering, but he is still refusing his dinner. He has a brother 2 years older than him who eats really well and gets a treat for eating his dinner but even seeing this does not get him to eat his dinner in order to get a treat. It's honestly like he is starving himself every night. I will feed him a yoghurt just before bed most nights now because he is so little, he is literally ON the 0.4th centile line (he's always been small) but I'm worried that he's going to fall off the chart entirely!

For anyone who has been through this, how long does it last? Am I doing the right thing by not pandering to him and his fussiness or should I be offering him something else to eat because he is visibly hungry, he just seems to genuinely not like many foods. I can't seem to make my mind up whether what I'm doing is right or cruel.

Please help. I could do with advice and insight if anyone else has been through this and come out the other end with healthy toddlers.

Thank you.

The health visitor advised me that at under two it's extremely important to offer choices so little one eats enough. You're not pandering because he isn't old enough to understand the consequences of not eating and the detriment to his wellbeing and development. So I would offer the family meal but then give something you know he'll eat. She said to reward the trying of new foods, and not to expect it to be actually eaten. Also that at 20 months he's starting to recognise he has some agency, so offering would you like X or Y eg banana or grapes might help. But because of this huge development it's totally normal that they become temporarily more fussy.

Offer the main meal and make him sit at the table with everyone for the duration of dinner. Do include at least one thing you know he'll eat.

If he doesn't eat it, make it available to him while he plays after dinner. My son has refused to eat, then polished off a few dinners afterward a couple of times!

No pressure to eat. He does it or he doesn't, but it has to be his choice

You need to give him something you know he will eat as part of his meal.

Hes a baby. Feed him something he will eat. He is too young to understand.

My DD is slightly younger but often has a week or so where she will refuse to eat what I put in front of her- I'll always try her with whatever I've cooked but if she's not having it I'll just make something I know she'll eat, as long as she's eating that's all I care about.

I always offer something else if mine won't eat his main meal. He has gone through little phases like this and always gets back to eating normally.

My priority is making sure he eats and isn't hungry and not making food a battle or an issue.

I also think back to how I was quite a fussy child with food but will now eat pretty much anything! So I try not to worry too much about arbitrary 'rules' and just let food be something he enjoys and doesn't stress over.

If yours is so low on the percentiles, I would be feeding him anything he will eat, even if its just toast and yoghurt for now.

The they'll eat when they're hungry doesn't work with every child,.especially if it is textural. I ended up under consultant care because I would only eat two things. I think at this age give him what he'll eat

Would he drink smoothies?? More fun with a straw. I do them to get in all sorts of fruit and veg to DS who is 15mo. He’s not fussy I don’t think but more not that interested in food!! I do found if he’s really really hungry he’s tricky - better to feed earlier. I would try moving dinner forward and seeing if that helps. I wouldn’t worry too much if he’s not eating a huge range of stuff yet, I would give one of those things I knew he would eat well each meal. Also can he help you make dinner? Sit up on the top and help you mix or whatever- might make it more interesting aswell. You could do some other baking activities that might encourage him to prep and then try with things like cookies or muffins etc. Good luck xxxx

We were in the same position and have made great progress with the help of both a dietician referral but mostly Solid Starts, they are medical professionals who specialised in fussy and restricted eating.

My DS (now 24 months) quite often won’t eat dinner at all, or will just have a couple of mouthfuls.

He has porridge or rice pudding just before bed which fills him up. So I’m not too bothered if he doesn’t eat much at dinner as I know he’ll eat that. And he eats little and often throughout the rest of the day so I know he’s probably had enough overall.

All kids are different - you can't compare him with your older DC.
Personally I think it's cruel not to offer something else if a child is genuinely hungry.
Always include something he likes as part of the meal. Lots of kids prefer their meals separated - so different pikes if eg pasta, sauce or rice,plain chicken, curry sauce etc. Maybe try that?
Also - what else is he eating through the day? I found mine were better having their main meal in the middle of the day with something like scrambled egg, beans on toast etc for tea.
Also, one of mine was very small and just couldn't cope with three meals a day - she ate better with smaller meals and larger snacks (mini meals really) throughout the day.
One last thing, what time is dinner? Is he just too tired to eat?
As he is so small, I think you really need to make sure he is eating something every night. If that means offering different food, so be it . They do grow out of it eventually. I think by 5 they are usually over the worst if it.

Thanks everyone, I think I've gotten so caught up in this idea that pandering to his fussy eating will create further bad habits that I've been ignoring the fact that he is still little and just needs to eat. I suppose I will deal with the small range of foods when he's older (and hope that he just grows out of this himself).

Thanks for all the advice, I just needed another perspective to help see more clearly. 🙂

@fyn that's interesting, how did you get this referral? Was it through gp?

@Seeline 😞I think it's cruel too, I don't know how or why I've been so stubborn for so long with him, the advice from family and friends has mostly been to not pander to him or else he'll get used to always being offered whatever he wants to eat. But I see now he is still young and so little and just needs food, I can deal with the "fussy eating" when he's older.
I don't think he's too tired to eat, it's an hour before bedtime and if I offer him something he actually likes for example pasta then he'll eat it no problem, it's just any other foods.
I'll try giving him his main meal at lunch instead, see if that works. Thank you for your advice.

Again, thanks to everyone for responding.

If he's anything like my DD he'll eat one thing one week and then something else the next. She went through a couple of weeks of basically living on anything with rice in, went to give her rice with tea last night and she flat out refused it. They're getting use to all different textures and flavours so as long as you keep trying with different things if you have to go back to something he will eat then so be it but at least he's trying little bits. I find breakfast the hardest with DD, she loves toast but refuses it at breakfast time, I've tried porridge, cereal, eggs and she just won't eat them in the morning- to the point where the other morning she ended up having pasta bake that was meant to be for dinner! I knew she'd eat it so yes while it's not the best at least she was eating 😂

I think the best approach is to give them a meal they like but put a couple of eg carrot pieces or a few bits of sweetcorn etc on the plate without saying anything. If they try it, praise them, but don't comment if they don't.
Also offering bits off your own plate seems to work better than giving them the same thing in their plate to start with.

At that age I'd give him what he wants. Does he sit at the table with you whenever it's possible.

If he was eating other foods up to 2 month's ago, then clearly he does like them. My 2 year old nephew was like this. My sister had to go into the hospital so I took my nephew to look after, for 2 weeks. My sister told me he won't eat this and that. She got really upset by it. I just gave him a portion of the family meal we were all eating and in the beginning he left it but after 3 days of not giving him lots of alternatives for his evening meal, but giving milk, he started to eat it. Also I put our evening meal forward by half an hour because I think he was getting too tired to eat. By the time he went back home he was back to eating a family meal again in the evening. He got nutrition from breakfast Weetabix with raspberries, a fruit bowl at mid morning, lunch scrambled eggs and toast and carrot or cucumber sticks or a baby bel mid afternoon. Sometimes I think little ones can sense their Mum getting upset.

My 9yo was falling down the centile chart, he eats very little. He's gone from 98th at birth to 9th for height and weight. Was advised to introduce supper, snacks and add fat to all meals, cheese, double cream, butter etc. It's only meant his weight has maintained which they were happy with. Between the age of 2 and 3 he didn't put on any weight! Apparently that's normal!

Can you offer hot meal at lunchtime instead? When he’s less tired. I really think the ‘treat’ for eating a meal is terrible idea.

I don’t have advice sorry but in case it makes you feel better my younger brother spent years refusing anything other than the typical chicken nuggets chips baked beans fried eggs pizza, macdonalds, I think there were one or 2 veg he’d alternate with, couple of fruit, sorry for the very basic idea but basically 10 items total, I’m 32 and my parents were not the type to complain about it and happy for it to take 2 seconds (couldn’t be bothered négociations, but it wasn’t for lack of exposure though, they had ‘regular’ adult meals, he’d have a bite and tantrum.
Anyway he somehow grew up into a now 26 yo adult who loves exploring world cuisine, eats really probably more variety than lots of people.
Id say the main change started around beginning of secondary and simply I think peer influence the more they grew up he looked ridiculous refusing a chicken sandwich (I know this because he told me) so he’d go with it and réalise it was ok.

Anyway, this is obviously not the ideal example, but just to say he’s fine, always been healthy.
Id just keep an eye on making sure there’s still some protein and veg, which when you think about it eggs for ex are completely fine proteins, you mentioned veg sauces with pasta, and he’ll likely grow out of it soon. Not feeding is so risky at that age however especially at his %ile, and there’s worse diets than pasta and vegetable etc sauce, you’re lucky to have one who accepts the sauces, just mix everything else into them for now really.

I think refusing to cook a separate meal for your 2 year old on the 0.4th percentile and letting him go to bed hungry is actually disgraceful.

@8aby8rain yes, just went to the GP who was happy to refer!