I need somebody to talk to, I’m at rock bottom (Mum of 9 month old)

[aimeeeleanor]

I don’t know where to turn to, I feel like I’m in a deep hole & I can’t get out

I absolutely adore my Son with every bone in my body but I just feel like I am a terrible mother & he deserves so much better

There’s too much to go into as to why I feel like this but I don’t feel like I can talk to my family about it as I’ve tried to & they just give the typical ‘don’t be silly you’re doing great’ speech

At 9&1/2 months he’s not babbling consonants, he’s not waving, clapping, pointing or trying to copy anything we do. He does however shout & blow raspberry’s, laughs a lot, smiles a lot

I just feel like I’m not doing a good enough job when I look at other mothers at playgroups or on social media. I feel like i’m somehow letting him down

I don’t know what I’m trying to say to be honest. I think maybe i just needed to word vomit my thoughts out onto something to free some space in my head

I’ve tried to speak to my GP about my struggles - who have just put me on pills but offered no other support. Also tried to get in touch with the health visitor who text me back to say she can no longer speak to me personally & have to ring an 0300 number! Phoned that & nobody will come & see us in person until he’s 12 months

Basically I’m a mess. Can’t stop crying (when nobody is looking of course), i’m snapping at my husband when he doesn’t do things my way. I have become such an insane control freak

But yeah, anyway…. Word vomit!

1. Watch Bluey the episode called Baby Race on Disney + or BBC i player
2. Your DC sound perfectly normal, definitely no autism I would say not that it's always a bad thing
3. Sounds like you've got post natal anxiety/ depression and you do need counselling you need to ask your GP to be referred or go private, circa £40-50 per hour and well worth the money

You've got this, you and baby will be fine xxx

Which pills? I mean medication is support if it’s a pnd situation.

Word vomit is good! I felt similar after my first LO. Constant comparison in my head to other babies and mothers was draining and I felt so inadequate. In reality (having met lots of second time mothers at baby groups with my second) I now realise they had little ones who wouldn't roll or crawl or gain weight.

Nothing quite compares to the thoughts you have about yourself though. I also spoke to GP who offered pills but I declined. There should be a self-referral for counselling you can do though? If you google your county/city then you might find something. By us it is called italk.

I've been there and it is so dark and lonely - I do get it although I am just words on a screen. Two things I learnt from therapy to hopefully help in the meantime:
Talk to yourself as you would another mum at baby group
Try and write a note to yourself that is positive and read it daily. You read words mentally in your own voice and if it's going to have an opinion it might as well be good!

At 9&1/2 months he’s not babbling consonants, he’s not waving, clapping, pointing or trying to copy anything we do. He does however shout & blow raspberry’s, laughs a lot, smiles a lot

Is he happy? He sounds like a happy baby and if he is then that is your job done well. Nothing else matters.

For what it's worth my eldest NEVER waved or clapped or pointed, she did lots of other age appropriate things things but never those, and certainly not on schedule with the 1 year checks.

well I mean of course she did wave and clap and point at some point, but I don't remember when because by the time she did it I was knee deep in nappies from her and her younger sibling having had 2 under 2.

my youngest I didn't even start recording when she was doing stuff because I had already realised from my first that she was happy, and that was enough.

The fact that you are worrying about this stuff means you ARE a good mum.

If you didn't care you wouldn't be bothered about his progress.

You sound exactly like how I felt when my son was younger. Looking back I was suffering from PND which went undiagnosed despite me seeking help from my HV.

I felt like my son would be better off with someone else and that all my friends with babies were bonded so much more closely with their babies.

Fast forward 2 years and I am my sons favourite person and he is mine. Once he was on the move it got easier, then he started talking and it got easier again and now he is amazing!

Until recently I still massively worried about about my sons progress but he has come on leaps and bounds since he turned 2 and he is so clever.

The HV commented at his recent check that it was down to the time, effort and bond we have.

Hang in there- it's the shittest time you're going through just now and it's a dark dark place but it does get better.

@PerfectPrepPrincess I was just about to say about the baby race esp!!!

Please watch it op!

It does sound like you have PND though so may be worth going back to the dr? It's so easy to compare esp SM where mostly everything is fake! Delete any accounts thag make you feel shit!

No 2 babies are the same and please don't think like u are not a good mum u are doing ur best and that's what counts I know how u feel I've got a 18 week old baby feel like I'm drowning most days you little one will get there wen he's ready and please never compare urself to other mums no one is the same and no one is doing a better job than anyone else

So sorry you are going through this 💐 it's a really hard time.

My DCs weren't pointing at that age either... dS couldn't jump until about a year later than the other kids. They're all different!

Hang in there and I really hope you manage to speak to a therapist. Many do Zoom sessions so maybe you could fit that in?

Hello! I'm a recovered PND sufferer and everything you've typed sounds just like how I felt. Word vomit is really helpful for getting all your thoughts and fears out of your brain - no matter how daft you think you sound, you really don't and I can deeply empathise with you. Talking therapy helped me massively, as did anti depressants. If it helps to hear this kind of stuff, my son was a shouter/raspberry blowing kind of baby. I don't think he was fussed about clapping until he was about 15 months old, and even now he rarely does it (he's just turned 2). He still shouts a lot. If you're really worried about your baby then pester your GP. Sometimes all you need is somebody to tell you everything is fine for you to be able to let go of some worries or fears. I've read a lot about these super mum courses since I recovered, and I think I'd have got a lot out of something like this at the time: www.amotherplace.com/super-mum-course/?fbclid=PAAaaYKS7U3olV4-cmuzqXqWh2i4A_tE0cKpNmDvY9ibsvGJqo0MZOQaCS-4w

I was in your place around 5-6 months ago (baby boy now 13 months). I was ridiculously concerned he never waved, clapped and pointed at 9-10 months old. I would see all these clapping babies on social media and be convinced there was something wrong with him. HV check at 10 months had no concerns but I still worried.
He has been going to nursery since 6 months (going back to work really helped my pnd by the way) and they had no concerns either and just said to me, he has so many other things he cares about, waving on demand is not one of them and they were right. About a month ago he finally decided he wanted to clap and now doesn’t stop, pointing too. I actually think 9 months is on the early side for most of those things.
I also started seeing a private councillor for my anxiety, control and frustration. I had started to become very snappy at my partner and controlling over everything to do with our son even down to certain toppings on toast for breakfast. It was my way of trying to make sure he got the best of everything but all it was doing was making me the one to do absolutely everything and my partner nothing (even though he wanted to) because he didn’t do it “right” and so I was also extremely tired and let my frustration out on him. The councillor has helped a lot so I really do recommend one if you can afford to.
It’s baby steps and there’s still some things like bedtime I’m struggling to let go of but I’m getting there. My partner has noted how much happier I am and our little boy is coming on leaps and bounds. Extremely active, very sociable and well on track.

You're baby sounds happy and content. I have a baby the exact same age and he can't point or clap or wave yet either. I remember being fixated with these kind of milestones with DC1 but with DS now I don't have time to really pay attention to when he should be doing what! Sounds terrible doesn't it? But don't worry they all get there sooner or later. Be gentle to yourself OP. Sounds like you don't have the right professional support and that's really hard. I would say go back to your GP and tell her what you've said here. Might be worth to speak to your OH/friends/family about your anxiety but not in the context of your baby so they understand its more than that.

Babies are funny things, some focus on practising language, some are obsessed with gross motor skills like crawling etc and some are interested in fine motor skills like pointing. DC1 wasn't interested in anything other than moving around, my friends LO of the same age was more interested in fine motor skills like pointing etc and she was worried she wasn't moving fast enough and I was worried my LO wasn't clapping. They all get there eventually just different paths. Hope you're OK x

Your baby sounds adorable. And very very normal.

The best thing you can do for yourself and him right now is have a total break from social media. Write a list of self care things that make you happy. Aim to do at least one of these things a day. Focus on getting out each day in the fresh air and eating as well as you can.

This is why they say being a mum is hard. We all put so much pressure on ourselves. 💐

10months old was the absolute pits for me. It definitely was the worst point. DS wasn't able to do much but was still starting to become hard work. At the same time I didn't feel like I was getting a lot back from him.

I think it's a point where they are no longer the tiny baby but also not quite at the fun toddler stage.

In terms of miles stones he never rolled, he never crawled. He was mobile but not in the ways he was 'supposed' to be. He definitely wasn't doing much babbling and he certainly didn't do clapping at that age. He was very alert and engaged. And happy. He started cruising relatively early but he didn't walk for ages.

One thing I do remember is that he was good at conveying and communicating with us without needing to talk or point cos we kinda knew what he wanted most of the time without that and had other ways to express himself. He was particularly secure as a result. He had no need to do those things. He was a very happy baby. I think we found it frustrating as we wanted him to be doing stuff but he didn't. Comparing to his (female) cousin he was very much more with it and lively but wasn't into doing things by the book and making targets. They were totally different, and tbh having a family member of a similar age who had pushy parents who liked performance parenting wasn't helpful.

I also think that 10 months is a really lonely point. The novelty has worn out, you are exhausted after months and it's become a bit of a relentless grind. There's a certain amount of separation anxiety going on, so it's hard for anyone else to step in and help you. And I think there is a reluctance to let anyone do it because of that.

DS is now 8. He doesn't stop talking. He is a bright kid who is funny. He's an absolute nightmare at the same time. He's got more of a 'spark' about him than a lot of other kids (and this comes from people outside the family).

My point is, hang in there, I think it eases in the next couple of months or so. But yeah I HATED ten months old and it still sticks in my mind as the point I've disliked the most.

Just be nice to yourself and look at what he is doing rather than what he isn't.

@RedToothBrush I agree. 10 months was the hardest for me

Ugh pressed post too soon. Ignore my other posts.

Lots of good advice here about meeting milestones in their own time but it sounds like you might be struggling with your mental health. Could you make another appointment with your GP. You might be able to see on the surgery website what your GPs have a specialist interest in and can choose an appointment with an appropriate one. Alternatively you should be able to self refer to mental health services online. Look it up on the NHS website. You will be prioritised if you have a baby under 12 months.
And ring the health visitor back. A developmental check can be done earlier than 12 months if there are concerns. We had ours early at around 10 months because we were worried about something specific. Ring them back and ask for an earlier appointment as you're struggling.

You sound like a great mum for noticing these things and caring so much. You're doing a great job.

Hey OP do you have an update how your little one is getting on?

I can assure you you're a wonderful mum because you care! My 14 month old doesn't do most of these things, it will come when he's ready :)

Oops I hit post too soon. Sorry you're feeling low. I've just started antidepressants after ignoring postpartum depression for too long. I wish I'd sought help earlier. Can you self refer for talking therapies where you are? I know your post was a while ago, but I hope you're ok

Hey, any updates? I hope you do feel better! Don’t worry too much about your baby, no child is the same!! You should be offered counselling by your GP, but sometimes they simply don’t care.
I too was offered pills, which I refused, when my daughter was about 4 months old. I was desperate, crying all day and feeling miserable. It does get better though, I can assure you.
I would also suggest deleting social media. Luckily I didn’t have them when I gave birth and I think it has been a life saver since then . I occasionally used YouTube and even that (better than other social) gave me a bit of depression sometimes ( perfect videos of perfect mother the “24 hours with us” type of videos). Try to enjoy as much time outdoors with your little one, no phone, no people, just you two!

@aimeeeleanor hi. Do you have any update? Thanks

See a paedetrician privately?

How does he know the difference between vowels and consonants???

Facetious, but I mean come on

He's fine stop worrying