Lack of support from dh family

[tiaandduck]

I have a ten month old. Dh's family live five doors down and have never taken her for as much as an hour.
When I was pregnant it was all 'will take her out a walk in the pram' 'will look after her a couple of days when you go back to work'
Not once have they ever taken her out in the pram or offered any sort of childcare since those comments. I solo parent Monday to Friday and I'm back to work so things are bloody tough. Dd is a terrible sleeper and she's been sick recently with various viral things and nobody has even checked in. If I volunteer information I get aww thats a shame, hope she's better soon...no offers of help, or support.
I don't like asking for help, I know if I asked they would but in my eyes if they aren't offering then it's not out of a genuine want to help.
When dh is back from work they all come round to visit but when it's just me nobody is interested.
I think it all stems from a snippy comment I made when she was a few months old and needed a sleep, she was dropping off and someone went to pick her up and I insisted they stopped. I then got a lecture in my ear about how I don't need to do it all on my own....yet nobody is offering any support when I actually need it.
I just feel sad, like the saying it takes a village is no longer applicable in todays world. I honestly get more help and support from other mothers on tiktok who post relatable content.

You’re cutting your nose of to spite your face. They are probably don’t want to over step and are waiting for you to ask. Just ask.

Reach out to them and say your previous comment was a misunderstanding and you’d actually love their help and support.

The mothers on tiktok aren't doing anything for you, so they can afford to be "helpful".

To be honest, you sound rather "snippy" here. You won't ask, the time someone tried to help you admit to being "snippy", and the village was nowhere to be seen in times gone past either.

Well, you said they were all up for it before, but because you snipped , they have backed off, you need to apologise and ask them to help you.

I agree. They are probably worried about offending you and think you don't want them involved.
Try saying you're finding it tough and could anyone please do x or take dd to the park or something and then see what reaction you get before assuming they don't want to offer support.

Are you parenting and working at the same time?

How much does your DH do? That is something you can change rather than expecting the ILs to do more.

The reality of a small baby is very different to the fantasy that many grandparents have of grandchildren.

OP mentions she is back at work now.

@glitterygold that's my point - she says she's solo parenting Mon - Fri and back at work. If she doesn't have childcare for when she's working, it's no wonder she needs help.

They probably don’t want to intrude or be told off. If you want help then ask for it. You think they’ll say yes so what do you have to lose?

I think they aren't being very supportive here op
It's such a shame just because you made a very valid point they are holding it against you
I wouldn't apologise- nothing to be sorry for in my opinion but I would have a chat and ask if they would like to be involved in the baby's life - it's not help as some people have suggested

I'm not going to apologise about the comment because it happened when she was still in the newborn phase. She needed to nap and got settled in the buggy and mil wanted to lift her out to get her to sleep and I said no she needs to nap, really leave her be. They then gave me a patronising lecture.
I'm back to work now but have took unpaid leave today as baby is ill and I've had no sleep. Can't send her to nursery when she's ill and dh isn't back until tomorrow.
I can't give him more to do because he works away.
To be honest I'm really annoyed because they know she's sick and nobody has checked in to ask how she's doing or asking if I need anything apart from my own mum.
I even posted something on fb about her being poorly and jokingly made comments about it being tough and all I got was a comment saying aww hugs.
Not great.

...but as soon as dh is back and there is football on or what ever they are all round like flys round shit.

They probably don’t want to feel like they’re intruding or stepping on your toes - have you actually approached them and asked if they can help you? The Facebook status sounds a bit silly and attention seeking if I’m honest. They’d probably be more than happy to help but don’t realise that you’re wanting them to offer.

I think if you want help you need to ask for it. You come across as really stroppy so maybe that's why they give you a wide berth only visiting when dh is around. If you show them your vulnerable side and asked for help instead of posting attention seeking comments on Facebook you would probably find they would be happy to be more involved in your and your child's lives.

I don't agree with the Facebook post either
You're just ranting which is silly as they have no idea you feel like this
However I don't think you are being stroppy but I can see why it bothers you
I have a similar situation that both my parents and mil don't really help out when there's Illnesses but then because I don't have that expectation then I'm not upset
The whole street have grandparents that help out daily but I'm not that blessed but I've accepted it now
Mil only wanted to come for visits and cuddles and again I don't ask for ' help '
Shouldn't have to
I have a 9 month old and I've done it this far ok
I needed help at the beginning also but never got the help or support that I would offer as a GP

Sounds as though you don’t like them that much If you refer to them as “ flies to shit “ maybe the feeling is mutual.

I know exactly how hard and stressful it is having a small baby - but I'd give anything for a situation where my children's grandparents were living doors down from me!

For any grandparental support for my children I need to organise major travel arrangements and overnight stays.

I can't imagine why you don't just ask them it's so straight forward. You don't like them it seems. So it's no wonder they don't throw themselves at your feet.

It's really tough isn't it. I think you need to explicitly ask them. Not little hints on Facebook. Reach out and phone them / pop around / text or however you normally communicate. Hi DP's mum. Are you able to help for a couple of hours one evening this week? Being back at work is exhausting, especially with DP working away. I'd love if you could pop over for a couple of hours and watch DC so I could have a nap/a long bath/take a walk/sit in silence rocking with a hot cuppa.

This. They tried to help before and got snapped out. Now they've backed off.

You need to ask for help.

You really need help, just put aside what happened before and from now on, just ask them to watch your lo, even though you might feel uncomfortable. Most of the time people want to be asked, they want to overstep. I ask my neighbor friend to watch my lo and most of the time they are happy to do it.

What do they do when they visit when DH is there, do they interact with DD?

Ypu need to ask them, but not when your baby s sick! They won't want to catch it!

MiL wasn’t trying to do something to help OP out when she got told not to - she was lifting up a falling asleep baby when they were all there together, presumably because she wanted to cuddle the baby. Helping would have been offering to babysit or something.

I agree with PPs, just try asking for some help. If they say no then never ask again but also put a stop to them coming round all the time at weekends if they don’t want to know in the week. That’s your only family time with your DH home. Why should you lose that after struggling on alone all week?

But why jokingly make a comment? You ARE finding it tough. There's no shame in that.
You could try being direct and specifying what you need. If they don't respond then be annoyed but maybe they will...