What would you do differently the second time around?

[tweener]

You might have seen my other thread where we're considering trying for a baby. There would be a 12 year age gap between child 1 (from a previous relationship) and a child 2, if we made that choice.

I know things have probably changed a lot, even down to advice on weaning etc but I'm really interested to hear what you would/wouldn't do this time round?

I don't think I'd bother with a moses basket, and I'd try to breastfeed for longer this time. Just mulling things over as we weigh up what to do really, and fancied talking about it all with others.

I had a ten year gap so I really had these questions to consider in person :)

It was weird to see what had changed! I would say that the biggest changes really are:

Slightly different/stricter sleep recommendations especially for day and early evening sleep (I mostly ignore this, MNers generally explode if you admit this)

Rear facing car seats for longer (I followed this one, was aware of it before but they were vv expensive 13 years ago)

Oh but you'll need a mortgage to buy a car seat and/or pushchair.

Weaning seems much more complicated now - when we did BLW we just chucked food at the baby but it seems like people follow all kinds of rules now. I ignored these.

More tests available in pregnancy but you have to pay.

HV tests seem reduced in many areas - no great loss.

Parenting "influencers" are insane and all seem to exist to stoke anxiety/make you buy their course at ££££ - ignore them. Admittedly this is way easier to do as a STM because most of their sales pitch is about how your baby will never do this or that if you don't buy their course, and having a 12yo already you probably know this is a load of rubbish. But people fawning over them is baffling and annoying.

Facebook groups for parenting have gone totally insane and mostly contain moderators on a power trip. Don't trust them.

Gentle parenting for toddlers is now the norm whereas it used to be a crazy thing only crazy hippy parents did. I quite like this but OTOH there is still all the unhelpful permissive stuff.

There's still a war between baby routines vs just co-sleep and breastfeed them forever but now instead of books it's influencers 🤷‍♀️

Actually most things I did the exact same - the main difference is I actually went ahead and did the things I was too nervous to do last time - finally lived out my dream and bought a slide bed for DS2! Best thing ever

I pretty much followed what I thought was best and wasn’t beholders to books or rules or ‘experts’ so I wouldn’t change that. So much depends on the personality and temperament of your baby so I’d absolutely go with that again.

I ABSOLUTELY wouldn’t kill myself trying to pump if breastfeeding didn’t work out another time round. I was upset I couldn’t do it but felt so much pressure to ‘give my baby the best’ (NC fucking T wisdom) that all the time I could have been resting, catching up on sleep or doing a single thing for myself I was attached to a pump like a milking cow. I lasted 3 months but never seemed to pump at the right time so my supply was crap anyway and I ran myself into the ground. Would not repeat. Formula is perfectly fine and I shouldn’t have beaten myself up about it.

placemarking. I’m TTC number 2

I agree, I wouldn't pump long term. DS2 was harder to breastfeed which was a bit of a shock and he was mixed fed for a while.

These are great, lots of food for thought. I think I almost feel like it would be going into the unknown again, like a first time parent all over again because it's been so long.

I briefly tried pumping last time and just got nothing from it. I breastfed for a little bit but if we end up having another I'd love to try and keep it going, even if only for the cost saving element. Formula was around a tenner per tin 12 years ago, with inflation I imagine it's closer to £500 a tin now lol

Ten year gap here, baby turning three months tomorrow.

This time around I was far more relaxed about things like having an ELCS (had an EMCS with my first) and being unable to exclusively breastfeed past one week (though these points may not apply to you). I had PND with my first and a huge chunk of that was due to feelings of failure for not being able to birth or feed her 'properly'. I made peace with it this time and had a far more enjoyable experience.

Listening to my gut and intuition, which probably comes with age as much as it does experience; my first had horrendous colic and I was told by HVs to not change her milk under any circumstances. If I had my time again in that situation I'd have changed her milk. This time around I smiled and nodded at the HVs then disregarded them and followed my instinct. I have also fucked off all attempts at tummy time which I had a horrible time with first time around but persisted because 'baby needs it'. This one hates it as much as the first did so we don't bother. At all. All much happier for that. I'm also not worrying if she's having too much or too little milk and I follow her lead on when she's hungry and how much she wants. And I couldn't care less that she's on the 95th centile (nicely following a similar curve after having been born on the 50th).

Trying to absorb each little moment and stage as I know how painfully fleeting it all is. I'm already grieving the newborn stage with my new one.

Following her lead and not trying to establish a schedule or routine too soon, or worrying about her not reaching certain milestones when she's 'supposed' to.

Not wishing she would achieve things quicker; weaning, rolling, crawling, walking... I'm in no rush at all this time and am enjoying her as she is and not wishing the time away. It will all come in good time and right now I'm in love with her being tiny and needing me.

Don't stress about naps and routine.

Wonderful post above ^ you've really nailed some of the things I'm inwardly concerned about. I also totally forgot health visitors were a thing!!

I didn't stress the last time so hopefully would be similar this time (if there is a "this time") but I can imagine the pressure of needing sleep when I go back to work might creep up on me

I thought I wouldn't make the same mistakes twice but turns out I have 😅 cue a bed sharing second child who completely rules me!

I had no idea what I was doing first time round but this time at least I kind of had some idea and also now have the knowledge that everything is a phase and that it never gets easier even though people say it does 😅

Not worry about contact naps and creating bad habits. They all find their way eventually and it didn’t create any bad habits for us. She decided one day she didn’t want to nap on me in the day and wanted to nap in her pram instead! That’s how it’s been ever since! So I’m enjoying all the cuddles with this one whilst I can ☺️

It's so lovely having a big gap because you have the benefit of perspective. As a FTM you can get really obsessive over little details and think things really matter; when you have a massive preteen and see all their massive preteen friends and you have absolutely no clue whether they were breastfed or formula fed or were stimulated with only black and white shapes vs colours or how much TV they watched or whether they ate a varied diet vs 3 crisps and a slice of apple as a toddler, you know that none of that stuff really matters and they get through it.

And you know that it goes really fast and you're not wishing it away as much. I had two more, and I feel really lucky.

I remember an observation I made when my lovely friend had her second baby. He was about 9mo and had picked up his Tommee Tippee cup and was shaking it interestedly on the floor to make a puddle. I (and I'm sure she) would have, with my first child, considered this a very worrying and important thing to teach a lesson about. I would have stopped him, explained why spilling water was not desirable and maybe got him to help me clean it up, then allowed him to keep the water because he might want to drink it. But she just, without even thinking about it at all, picked up the cup and put it on the table, grabbed a cloth and wiped up the water and continued with whatever it was we were doing.

Oh, I'm more ruthless about stuff like toys that just make an endless mess, or annoying books that I dread reading. I just hide them and if they find their way into the house I donate them. I let them get those books from the library if they really love them but I won't have Thomas The Tank Engine, Paw Patrol etc in the house permanently. I secretly feel a bit guilty about this, but it does make our reading time much more enjoyable so I'm more likely to suggest it, so I think it balances out.

I was 20 when my first was born, she was unplanned and I made the best of it as a single mum. I've matured and have a great job but the nerves of actually planning a child have knocked me a bit, I'm too much of a pros/cons list kind of person to just say "screw it, let's have a baby."

Be kinder & more patient.

Would ignore all the pressure from HVs and family to do everything on demand and introduce a routine much earlier than we did. It was so much better once we had a routine and a much better fit with our personalities. DD was much happier too.

I wouldn't attempt EBF again, I'd either do combi or totally formula from the start. EBF was disastrous for us and I wouldn't put myself through it again if BFing turned out to be the hell it was first time round again.

I'd trust my instincts a lot more - I did so many things because I was told to or put under pressure to!

Just bumping for more tips and stories :)