adult children/depression/anxiety/autism

[budge60]

I have some to mumsnet late, my "children", daughter 28 son 30 and I am nearly 60. I never saw it coming - how challenging it is to be a parent to grown ups. I am struggling with anxiety due to my daughters problems. She has had a terrible run of things happen which alongside battling anxiety and depression herself and awaiting an official diagnosis of autism ( classic masking/late diagnosis...) have meant that she battles every single day. Most recently she was assaulted, a victim of stealthing, which has been reported to the police and has resulted in the fact that she now has Herpes. She hates her job, and lives in a flat with black mould, has no partner, her two best friends have recently moved in with boyfriends/got married.
She is incredibly resilient. She knows how to look after herself. she has good relationships with her freinds. However I am the one who gets the late night text when she's low; needing reassurance, support, which recently has been almost daily.
She doesn't live nearby, about 90 mins drive away. I need help in looking after myself - to stop my life becoming absorbed, to control my anxiety. I have had counselling which is helpful in the moment but isn't long lasting. I am resisting going to my GP. I have had medication for my mental health before and didn't really find it helped.
Is anyone else out there going through anything similar?

Yes. You need to be there to support, you can't do it for them. It hurts to see our children struggle. I'd be concerned the black mould is contributing to your daughter feeling bad.

I struggle too. Ds has anxiety wtr to relationships.

Dd17 is on the spectrum and won’t go to school. It’s all hard and horrible. I don’t have any wise words but lots of sympathy.

From experience, I'd recommend you set yourself some boundaries regarding what you will / won't do for your daughter. Also, make sure she know when you are available and when you are not. You need time for you.

Resiliency is a good thing but can also be a reaction to stress and trauma. Does she see a therapist at least once a week who could provide support. It might help her cope better day to day if she can talk through things with someone professional who can help her cope too.

Could she move back home for a period of time? It would mean she's supported and you'll be less anxious about her.

we are looking into getting her moved - at least that's something practical we can do

Arseinthecoopwindow - thank you for your kind words - I hope things get better for you xx

Pr1mrose - she see's a therapist every week, she is quite dependent on her which also worries me!
There are boundaries, but my brain can't register them. If I don't hear from her I worry and if I do I expect it to be bad news and when it is I do now stop myself from going into solve it mode. It's just really hard

Mabelface - she came home for a few days last week and there is no way our relationships will survive for any longer than that. We are getting to know her all over again - now she is no longer masking her neurodiversity, which I repeat and welcome, she behaves quite differently and it is hard work being around. She struggles away from her own space too. it is in an important boundary. at the same time we believe that if she voted away form here she is she would be able to make positive changes - she will not consider it - she feels that she is home where she is, she's lived there since leaving uni.

@budge60 I fully understand. I'm also nd, late diagnosed and my home is so important to me, and my relationship why my nd daughter is so much better not living together. I really have got myself into the mindset with her now that if I don't hear from her, she's okay as she always gets in touch when she's not.

For anyone who's interested the culprit is going to be arrested. She spent this afternoon with the police, they were very kind apparently. An arrest is a result. Sure it won't go any further than that. He'll most likely get a warning or something but it will add to statistics and if/when he does it again the next victim will have a better chance of a conviction with this on his record. I'm very proud of her.