Sharing kids with abusive ex, help!

[Anonymous201]

I really am struggling to share my LO with my ex. Last year i was put through hell because of him. A year full of family courts, cafcass (i was treated so badly by them), risk assessments (based on lies) and SS involvement. Eventually the courts found out he was on tag and had lost his license due to drug dealing and dangerous driving. This resulted in them giving me a non-mol, family arrangements and me getting residency. He sees our LO every other weekend but i just cant cope. He doesnt look after her properly, feeds her mcdonalds every night, she comes home sore down below, hair all luggy (its down to her bum), teeth never brushed. She basically comes home and i have to fix everything from the weekend. I just dont need it. His contact is through my mother and no matter how many times we ask him to look after her properly he wont. I cant do this anymore. Its the sly digs on handover, the fact he listens to my music with her (when i wasnt allowed when we were together), if he finds out ive planned something he takes her before i can, he shows her photos of us all together and tells her he "misses mummy but mummy doesn't love me anymore", he takes her around people i don't approve who use drugs in front of her... the list goes on and i cant b*stard do it anymore!!! Its affecting our relationship, I love my LO more than life but i cant do this sharing crap no more. It affects us all including my mother and we're basically stressed for the whole 2 weeks in between visits. I want to stop contact but i can't do the courts, SS and all the lies again. It nearly finished me off last year. I'm under a service for DV but I'm so burnt out doing all this hardwork to get over it all and he doesn't have to do anything even though he was the perpetrator. I can't do it anymore...

Sore down below…? Is this because he’s not changing nappies fast enough or is she older?

He sounds dreadful but also it sounds like he knows how to push your buttons and is doing so, and you need to learn how to disengage and grey rock. If you suspect he’s doing anything illegal then call the police and log it, every time. I expect he’ll get bored of her if it stops bothering you, sadly.

@Suzannargh first off, thanks for replying chick!! She still just needs help at night with pull-ups. She started becoming self-conscious about smelling before school so we make time every morning for a little wash (flannel and soapy water). We then moisturise her little bum and if she needs cream anywhere we will apply that also. He just leaves her all weekend and then dunks her in the bath an hour before bringing her home on the sunday and thinks i won't twig on or she won't tell me 😑

Oh yeah, he definitely knows how to push my buttons. Its been 3 years and the second i split up with him he wouldn't leave me alone. I agree with what your saying and its advice ive been given by others BUT... this is gonna sound silly, i dunno how to explain it. You know after everything he put us through and still is, why should i have to learn to cope with it when he's the perpetrator!? Why has no one pulled HIM up and said pack up, what your doing is wrong?! Ive done more than enough to make it perfectly clear i want nothing to do with him. Including fleeing 150miles from him to a town i knew no one, got a non-mol and family arrangements and its still not good enough. This falls in with police and SS because if i ring up to even log it theyll be like well your daughter doesnt live here so not alot i can do. SS said the same and just said not to send her if i have concerns so i didnt... got court ordered into court and was told it was me causing all these problems, all because i was professionally advised to stop contact. Honestly if i could open up and show everyone how ive been treated by him/his family, courts, SS, cafcass, drs, womens refuge and my own friends because of him... there'd be uproar. I honestly cant do this with him anymore. We were together 6 years and been split up for 3 and im just at the end of my tether. I dont think he'll stop til im dead or on pysch ward and everyone falls for his s* every time and makes out its me!!! It genuinely gets worse the longer we aren't together and i didnt think that possible!

I can hear how frustrating this is for you to have to coparent with him. But you haven't mentioned how it's affecting your daughter apart from the sore genitals. Does she enjoy her time at her dad's? Do they have a close relationship? How is her mental health?

I think you need to invest in some representation at court. And I know it's expensive but even getting a loan, paying for it via a part time job, moving in with your mom so you can pay- all of that will help your daughter.

What disturbs me the most about your post is that he is a convicted drug dealer who takes his child to other drug dealers and they have used in front of her!

No court in the land will accept that. I think another reason to take back to court is that (I am reading between the lines here) but you didn't really play the game and show that your are reasonable and your arguments for her neglect in his care were justified. And I say this with compassion. I have been in your position, I know how emotional it is and I know how easy it is to say the wrong thing.

I did all I advised you to do above. I moved back in with parents, every penny went on representation in court, I listened to my solicitor and even when I felt like screaming I composed myself and tried to stick to the facts.

It was the worst time of my life- but the court passed a judgment in the best interest of my child, not me or my ex.

Finally you need to report everything to the police and follow through, every time he comes back from a drug persons home report, report any illegal activity, report any neglect any abuse. You need a paper trail to support your allegations. Ring social services explaining your huge concerns.

I never thought I'd live a normal life again and it took two years of therapy to come out the other end, but both my child and myself are happy and content. You can too you just need to fight with everything you have.

Wish you and your daughter hope and peace .

So sorry he isn't taking care of your DD and that the court system have let you both down.

I would actually get your DDs hair cut shorter, a generous trim not to a Bob or anything.

Your Mum needs to stay nothing at hand over. Talk up to DD at how she has special baths at Mums house and anything else it would be beneficial for him to do.

It's unusual that your DD is getting so sore so quickly? I would be taking her to the Dr about it. Arrange an appointment for the day after contact and get it on record.

@Nightynightnight She's put first for everything and her opinion always matters hence why i pushed for him to have a relationship with her instead of me. All i can say is she knows perfectly well what her dads like but there's still that little part of her that loves him and i have to respect that as long as shes safe. Thats what affects her and I've worked closely with school and womens refuge to make sure she has other options for support and its working so far. There is a pattern of bad behaviour after a weekend there though and head of school has even picked up on it.

@Bluebellsbells Im disabled so cannot work and already live with my mother. Funny that because the courts did allow it again and again! And he was allowed alternate weekends.They also had the audacity to say my daughters life would be awful without a father. I consistently tried in court to be my daughters voice and no one wanted to hear it. Being on legal aid means you get lots of different solicitors and some of them just didnt care in all honesty, i was misrepresented at one point aswell and the law firm i was with let him go because of it. Its been hell. I keep a log of whats happened during her visits, everything that needs reporting to police is but they only log so much and like i mentioned SS don't care. Everytime i raised a concern it was pinned back on me, even with proof. Thankyou, wish your family the same!

@RandomMess as much as it pains me and will her, ive already thought about it. Shes at an age where shes learning to brush her own hair and start taking care of herself but she struggles with the lugs. We have tried to have these conversations with her so uts age appropriate and no ones being put down but when she mentions it at her dads, she gets told she doesn't have to listen to mum when she's there and then gets interrogated about whats been said and it turns into her being out in the middle. Its horrible sometimes i regret getting a non-mol. Alot of the time as horrible as it sounds i think he does all of this to get to me. He never bothered with either of us when we were together and the second we left it was like "your mine though!". I cant even begin to explain all the things hes done. Hacking emails accounts/social media, stole money qnd ipad, still has my birth certifcate and my daughters aswell as passport. I reported to police but because theres no proof theres nothinf they can go. Hes even gone as far as to say hes been sent photos of me holding hands with a man, this was after spending the day with my best friend and her 8yo son. But somehow even with the courts knowing all of this, its okay! And thats what im struggling with. Yeah she's been to the drs and thats when we were told to have washes in the morning and use cream. She can be a git for not wiping after a wee and i dont think that helps!

Hiya lovely, this sounds so awful. Firstly, you are a warrior. Your little girl is so very lucky to have a mum like you. It must all feel so unfair but you are going to have to put all that behind you. The friends you have lost, the shitty Cafcass and SS, the judges who have believed his bullshit. You need to let it go because holding that rage inside will not be good for you. Could you move away? Would your mum consider it? A different town for a fresh start? Obviously not so far to hinder contact but far enough away that you don't know anyone? He won't change, he won't stop so the only thing you can do is learn to deal with it. Order yourself a new birth certificate and put hold on your dd's passport. Ring the passport office tomorrow to see what you can do. Unfortunately, I have learned myself, that people, even ones you thought you could trust, are eager to believe the man's side. A good friend of mine was viciously abused by her husband, even witnessed by some people and yet nearly everyone dropped her. I dont know why, misogyny? People feeling shame because they never spoke up so they jump to blame the innocent party? Who knows but you need to let it go because if you don't he wins.
Ring doorbell, keep every message, refuse to speak on the phone so he has to message his bile.

It sounds like you are already doing everything you can to support your daughter. Having a shitty parent obviously isn't ideal. To echo other posters, report everything that is illegal or dangerous. Unfortunately having tuggy hair or not insisting she put cream on her intimate areas are matters of concern for social services so pick your battles when it comes to reporting. You're getting her support from third parties and she has you as her safe, consistent parent- this is a huge resilience factor.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache thankyou for all your kind words, means alot! Sounds silly but i think thats what im struggling with, the letting go. No matter how much i want to, it just eats away. Im always trying to be the bigger person and make sure things are civil but its impossible with him. Ive never tried to play the victim and i never went to court over the DV or claimed maintenance and still got treated like s*. In the past few months ive had a stomach ulcer and chest pains. Its because of this, its just all so overwhelming and hard to see the positive. It never stops and the burn out is all too real right now. Im currently learning to drive so that we have more options to move and that is the plan, another fresh start. I also did the same regarding birth certificate and passport. We have had the ring doorbell since he assaulted me and my mother does exactly what you advised, everything in text and no talking on the phone. I know right? Why haven't we gotten to a point where this is unacceptable!?! I dont get the system or people in general anymore. Thankyou again 💐

@Nightynightnight ive tried my absolute best and its been hard with everything else i have to deal with on top but i pulled up my big girl pants and did it. Just didnt get far. This is exactly what im worried about with SS, they're just unpredictable and it depends who you get and i don't think i can go through it all again. As soon as i say something it will be like tit for tat and then spiral. I hope so, i know its been hard for us and it has affected our relationship but im trying my best to get past it all and work on us. We deserve better!