What to do about cousin being unkind to my DDs

[MattieandmummyandIs]

This is such a tricky one, essentially one of my nephew's is a really unpleasant little kid (and an awful thing to say about any child but especially one you are related to) - he has never really been given any boundaries. Myself and my DH have never intervened but it's now got to a really uncomfortable level especially around our children. Nephew dominates all games between the kids, takes toys and possessions/things out of other kids hands constantly, won't take turns, insults our kids, throws massive tantrums if he doesn't win every game, I don't think he even knows the words please or thank you and his parents do absolutely nothing.

I appreciate there is always a bit of this between kids but our eldest is now saying they don't want to play with their cousin and I don't really blame them. My heart aches for them every time something is snatched out of their hands again.

What would you do? We have tried practicing things our eldest could say along the lines of "I don't like it when you snatch toys, please could I have that back". Does anyone have any ideas as to how to handle this - I don't really want to cause a family feud but it's really not great. Is the best thing to do to try to help our eldest out as best we can with strategies for seeing her not so desirable cousin and accept it just something that happens for the short term that we see them?

Stand up for your children why on earth should they have to put up with this

Intervene and tell him off! My parents told my cousin's off loads. Why would that cause a feud? Or just don't make your kids play with him and when asked why you can explain kindly to his parents.

Tell him off!!!

How old is he? I'd be tempted to quietly cut back on the visits or try to meet up at the park or go for a walk.

How old are the children? These things can be developmental or be SEN related.

You need to see your sibling without the kids or start telling nephew off. I would not force my kids to put up with that kind of behaviour.
You don't say how old the kids are but I am
assuming that nephew is school aged.

And again. People can be just an arsehole without having additional needs.

I would reduce contact.
If it’s your house remove any special toys so the cousin has no access to them. Can you keep your child with you in the room so they are not alone with the cousin? Tell your child to say “no I don’t want to.” If the cousin suggests they go off to play. Or be ready with some easy baking that you and your child have to do when these relatives arrive so your child is helping you.
When my dcs played with a neighbours children when they were younger, I taught them that whenever the others kids were mean, or always wanted to bat and never field, to stop playing and walk away immediately. If you don’t have willing participants you can’t be mean to them.

I don't think you should be forcing your child to spend time with this cousin! Sometimes family feuds are necessary if people just won't change and it's causing you problems.

Put special toys out if reach. Supervise when nephew is around. Limit times of visits.

My child had a friend at school like this. Is a lovely child really but no boundaries at home means he doesn’t respect the other kids at all. It was tricky. I was able to speak to the school (as they’d sat them next to each other!) and explained my child was struggling (I didn’t ask them to move them but they did that the very same day). I also spoke to my child and said that whilst I liked their friend a lot I didn’t like how they treated my child a lot of the time. Times moved on and she’s not particularly friendly with him now, which is a great relief. His Mum ignores me at the school gates now, even though I never said anything (although I only let my child go there once and never invited him to ours which I usually would. I did offer meeting up in neural places like parks). So I can see how you’d worry that you relatives will react badly as she definitely reacted badly to me putting boundaries in place for my child even though I tried to do it as gently as possible. I would suggest the same approach we do with my DH parents as they behave badly too! We don’t go to theirs and they don’t come to ours, we meet in neutral location between us. Makes it much easier. Could you just mostly meet them in parks and soft plays where is harder for nephew to resource guard and easier for you to support your child without your relatives noticing as easily? If that’s not an option or doesn’t work, then I think protecting your child has to come first.

And you need to protect your child whether there are special needs or not. One of my children likes to capitulate to his siblings and others because pleasing them makes him feel good. I worry because whilst he’s lovely and kind, he’s also vulnerable to be taken advantage off and that can continue into adulthood. I have had many chats with him about why I won’t let him give up his turn on the zip slide to another child when he really loves to go on the zip slide himself!

As an autistic person, I don't think it matters if he is autistic or not - his behaviour is upsetting others and he needs to be made aware of this fact, at a minimum.

As an aside, it is quite possible to be autistic AND selfish (both myself and my autistic DS need to manage this trait in ourselves on a daily basis).....

Stand up for your children.
"Nephew, please give DC their toy back. It's rude to snatch toys".
If he doesn't:
"Aunt/Uncle, please could you ask nephew to give DC their toy back as DC was playing with it".
If they refuse to intervene, leave and reduce visits.

In my home I would usually intervene if a child is consistently snatching and upsetting other children and tell the child to return the toys and apologise if I felt they have been mean. It's harder if they also don't listen to you as an adult, then you kind of have to hover and stop these situations before they escalate.

I could also set up play in the living room and hide precious toys so your kids can get away if it gets too much. Have a neutral talk to your kids and see how they feel about it all, they may have a different take on it than you. I wouldn't force them to play together just for the sake of family relations. Just means the parents will have to play with the kids on the meetups instead.

My DDs have a cousin that is a bit like this, they're similar ages but their cousin has to be first or the leader and will shove others out of the way, won't share her toys and will snatch things she wants off others. It's a shame because we get on well with the parents but they think it's an only child thing (🙄) and don't intervene, they think the kids should be able to sort it out themselves. We found the easiest solution was to meet at neutral venues like soft play and parks, where they can play together or do their own thing if ours get fed up of their cousin.

Come on, surely you know what to do? Limit times you visit, and say something, for starters.