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Original poster

How the hell am I going to cope with two?

18 replies

M0m2be · 23/04/2023 07:24

My DS will have just turned two when the baby arrives. He is so funny and is a real smarty pants. He is so caring to babies and animals (although not to his parents sometimes) and I have no doubt that he will love the baby with all of his heart.

However, he is a lot, wants to be on the go all the time and wants me there right next to him. He loves a tantrum although I am finding ways of avoiding them when I know they are on their way (like lots of warning that we are leaving the park soon).

When he was a newborn he cried all day and all night, (we did found out when he was 4 months he had silent reflux). He cried so much that I was used to weekly remarks from strangers about how it was so cruel that I would let my baby cry whilst I packed up my food shop!

I know not every baby is the same but I just don’t know how I’m going to cope! It took me over an hour to put him down last night. My husband works very hard and isn’t around a lot in the week, what would I have done if I had a baby who also wanted me?!?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Langleybar · 23/04/2023 07:26

What was your motivation for having a second?

Temporaryname158 · 23/04/2023 07:27

The answer is you aren’t on call to one child all the time. They have to wait.

sometimes the baby will have to wait (carried in a bassinet perhaps or bouncy chair) in the room you are doing bedtime in.

but sometimes your son will have to wait when you are feeding or changing the baby or trying to get them down for a nap.

it’s important you set strong boundaries that you can’t do everything with him when the new baby arrives but most children naturally realise this

cpphelp · 23/04/2023 07:38

My son wasn't even one when my twins were born.
You do cope, as a PP said, they just have to wait sometimes!
A clear routine, and making my life easier has been key for me. I plan all my toddler groups Monday to Friday, get all shopping delivered, have Gousto boxes delivered so I don't have to meal plan.
I also mentally split my day into two, around the lunchtime nap... if the morning was a write off, it doesn't mean the afternoon has to be.
In the summer months we are out as much as possible, even after tea finished at 6pm, we'll go to the park for half an hour before bathtime

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Original poster

M0m2be · 23/04/2023 07:39

@Langleybar I wanted to give my son a sibling like me and my husband had. Plus tantrums weren’t a problem when I got pregnant.

Maybe I was a bit naive in thinking I could have a small age gap.

I had perinatal OCD with my first and I think I am probably being a bit over anxious with it all as I know deep down that you just adapt.

OP posts:

Panicmode1 · 23/04/2023 07:41

As PP have said, routine and being organised - and realising that things don't have to be perfect, good enough is fine. I had a 15 month gap between my first two, and both were reflux sufferers so I found a sling invaluable. You will cope!

cowsaysmoo · 23/04/2023 07:45

I have two year gap between my DC too. They're 4.5 and 2.5 now. I'm not gonna lie. IT IS HARD. even now sometimes I feel I am at the edge. But it gets easier (so I heard). But you will cope as they will be your two babies and you will love them to death.

IfYouDontAsk · 23/04/2023 07:45

I found the second baby book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith really useful. Also, I remember feeling the same sort of anxiety when I was pregnant with my second- finding the first baby hard enough to cope with and wondering how on earth I’d cope with that plus another child. But all babies are different. It’s not a given that your second baby will have silent reflux and, if they do, you’ll probably be more clued up on the signs and able to get a diagnosis quickly.

As others have said, there is a certain amount of muddling through and just having to find peace with the fact that sometimes both children will be crying for you.

Original poster

M0m2be · 23/04/2023 07:45

Thank you @Temporaryname158 and @cpphelp for some good advice and has made me feel a lot more settled.

We are very routine led now but I will try and reassess it so that we can have a smoother transition!

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Original poster

M0m2be · 23/04/2023 07:49

thanks for the book recommendation @IfYouDontAsk. I will pick it up and have a read!

I definitely will pick it up sooner if the baby has it, last time round everyone just told me the mantra that all babies cry. Wish I had listened to my gut much sooner!

OP posts:

Aug12 · 23/04/2023 07:49

I had a 3yr old when my second was born. He is on the ASD spectrum as well so has higher needs.. honestly, you just adapt, please don’t fret about it. Things will be tough for the first wee while but they settle and you’ll figure out ways of getting things done and juggling them both. I’m pregnant again with my 3rd and my middle child will have just turned 2 so will have a similar age gap. Congratulations and enjoy your sweet little bundle when they arrive ❤️

Whitewolf2 · 23/04/2023 08:06

Do you have any local support, family or friends who can take the 2 year old out for a bit? Or will 2 year old be at nursery at all? These really helped me, having some time just with the baby and the 2 year old out having fun burning off energy. Toddler groups are fab, entertainment for 2 year old while you feed baby and have a cup of tea. Nap when they do and lower standards in everything!!

Freshlycutgrasss · 23/04/2023 08:06

I've got 12 months between my oldest 2 and it was fine (& DC1 couldn't walk when DC2 was born).

Be easy on yourself. You can't be in 2 places at once and sometimes 1 of them will have to wait. But they will be fine - just make sure you don't run yourself ragged trying to do ot all.

Good luck

Dammitthisisshit · 23/04/2023 08:11

You adapt.
the second one is left to cry more and they get used to it. I’m not talking for hours but eg when dealing with a poo explosion from no1. I found that DC2 would sometimes have self settled by the time I got to her even though I’d never have left DC1 that long.
You use your voice rather than your hands. Eg… oh dear DC1 you have dropped your cup. I understand you want it. Mummy’s just changing a nappy so I need to do this first then I can get a new one. Oh look I need to get a new nappy pack out, where are they?, can you point to the new ones for me?…, etc. it can be any old rubbish frankly, but they’re still being interacted with so they often get distracted.
frankly it’s not great for a DC to get smothered with love when they tantrum anyway. When upset yes, but often the tantrums need to work themselves out before you can reason with them (as much as you can reason with a 2 year old anyway).

TokyoSushi · 23/04/2023 08:14

You sound like you're describing my DS, he's 12 now and I have the same gap. When DD arrived she was an absolute dream baby (and has been ever since tbh!) not all babies are the same!

NotAHouse · 23/04/2023 08:16

Langleybar · 23/04/2023 07:26

What was your motivation for having a second?

This. Utterly bonkers. My DC was a difficult baby, so I didn't have another. But late to be asking this question now, OP.

Original poster

M0m2be · 23/04/2023 08:32

Thank you everyone for such brilliant advice, I’m definitely taking it on board and will come back to this thread when I have another crisis of confidence.

To the ones questioning why I chose to have a second one. My husband and I didn’t rush into this. He would have happily started trying when my first was 6 months old but we had many discussions of if and when and for us this was the right decision. I respect that fact you might not understand it but there’s no need to question something that cannot be changed.

OP posts:

IHateLegDay · 23/04/2023 08:41

Dd1 was 17 months when DD2 was born and whenever I asked people how to cope with 2, they always said "you just get on with it" which I found so unhelpful...but it's actually true.

The best advice I can give is to get a baby carrier. I had my newborn on my chest most of the time so that I had my hands free for my toddler and getting stuff done and it was honestly a lifesaver.

Get into a routine ASAP! It will keep you sane.

Get out to toddler groups. Your toddler can run around and wear themselves out while you sit and watch with the baby. There'll be other mums to chat to so you can keep your sanity and build a support system.

Good luck! You'll do great xxx

dottiedodah · 23/04/2023 10:43

Hi OP congratulations on your pregnancy! Friends have a similar gap,hard going of course but great when they are older.There is a lot of shared interests as well.I think you will be fine . Just as an aside BBC1 I player "My big Christian Family" explores various themes Of family life including a couple with 2 under 5s who add identical triplets! Lovely to watch .You can take solace you have only 1 more coming!

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