hating being a mum

[babyproblems]

I’m so ashamed to write this post but I regret having a child on a weekly basis. No idea if that’s normal or not. It’s my first baby, he’s now 14 months. He’s huge. He doesn’t walk yet so I have to carry 14.5kgs around everywhere. Every nappy change is a fight. I can hardly match his strength. He sleeps well eats well and I had a year off with him which I wanted to enjoy but largely I just thought ‘what have I done’ and found it really hard to be kind to myself after seeing how much my body was destroyed. I feel like I used to love my DH, we were equals, now he has a great job and whilst he is very good with family life - no shit habits, good salary, generous, present as much as possible- I am jealous and resentful. I used to be good at my job, senior in a small company, now I’ve gone back part time. Which was my choice because I find childcare lacking and not convinced it’s the best option when they’re so young. So my choice but what I’m saying is with a baby actually you have no choices. I feel like no one values me now. My employer because I’m worth less to the business, my friends because they think I’m ‘so busy being a mum’, just in general I feel like mums are second class citizens really, no one caters for them well. Everything is a struggle. Before I was fit, healthy, happy.. now I’m a fat, resentful, bitter, upset person with no freedom and no choices. I don’t know how to get myself back. Truth is I don’t think it’s possible; I think once you’re a parent you’re shackled for life, particularly mums. Another mum said to me yesterday she couldn’t wait to have more because the love was everything to her. I regret having one. I love him, enjoy him occasionally of course- there are delightful moments- and he is well cared for.. I have high standards in all aspects of life - maybe part of my problem- but I’d never have another because I think it’s ruined my life. Any words of advice for a mum who thinks it’s just shit really and that my life has gone from full of hope and nice things to a second rate shitshow where I’ll never really recover. I’m sad. Xxxx

I wanted to enjoy my baby so much but I also feel rejected my him- after 14 months he’s never given me one kiss, he doesn’t seek me out for snuggles - he doesn’t like them. I breastfed for the first few months then he started to refuse so had to struggle with combi feeding. I feel like not even he wants me! He can say mama but he never calls for me. It’s like the final slap in the face

I didn't want to read and run but sending you a big virtual hug. I'm in a similar mind set to you so I don't have any advice to offer, but hopefully someone will be along soon to tell you (us) that it gets a lot better. X

I understand how you feel. This is a very difficult age (or it was in my experience) but in all honestly I struggled for the first 3+ years of my children’s lives.

You also sound very depressed and who can blame you? A bomb has gone off in your life and you can’t have your old life back. Everyone tells you you’re supposed to love motherhood and you don’t.

There’s no point telling you it gets better (although it does!) because you’re stuck in the here and now and can’t see a way out.

What you said about having high standards in your life jumped out because I think intelligent, successful women tend to struggle the most with the baby years - the drudgery, boredom and loneliness. I remember feeling that I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed and why did I choose this, because it wasn’t me.

Back to the depression. Looking back I realise that PND poisoned my thinking. I asked for antidepressants and, stupidly, stopped them as soon as I felt better. That was a mistake. I should have kept taking them for longer. Please talk to your GP. There is no shame in admitting any of this.

A few things - it is worth exploring if you have PND.

However that doesn’t mean that what you’re feeling isn’t real - a lot of it is familiar to me and I’m sure I don’t have PND.

Carrying a heavy baby is exhausting - try to do it as little as possible so he gets used to not being carried.

My DS also was not an affectionate baby at all, but suddenly after about 20 months he got really cuddly and loving. It’s nice to feel wanted/loved, I can understand that. Honestly I didn’t really enjoy being on my own with DS before about 20 months because he was so grumpy all the time and really hard work.

Do you have any time to yourself at evenings/ weekends without the baby? I find it so important to do something for myself. I’ve started going to a yoga class one evening a week and I love it. It’s also good for posture and pelvic floor to recover from all the baby lifting.

When you’re at home with your DP, try to make sure that you don’t automatically do all the baby stuff, it should be shared. Bath times, bed times, making meals, planning meals etc.

I'm so sorry OP - motherhood in general is hard, but it sounds like you have additional circumstances that make your situation especially challenging.

I can relate - when I had my first child at the start of April 2020 we had just gone into lockdown and I was isolated and miserable. She was such a hard baby (my second has been much easier, so now I have a comparison!), always crying, terrible sleeper, terrible reflux so there was puke everywhere, etc. I did actually say to my husband that I thought we had ruined our lives and I regretted it. She too was a late walker so I had to break my back carrying her everywhere!

Over time, she got easier but I also think I got better at parenting her or at least got used to it. But you know what else helped? FULL TIME CHILDCARE. Full days, five days a week. We are fortunate that we could afford it and I could go back to work full time, which I wanted to do. We found a lovely local nursery where my daughter was very happy and we never looked back. Monday mornings became our favourite time of the week... we'd walk together to drop off our daughter, grab a coffee on the way home and talk like adults before work (this was back in the full time WFH days). My son will also start full time nursery next month, at 10 months.

We are all different humans. Some mothers want to be with their kids full time and they love it. For me, I love my children, I have fun with them, but looking after them is exhausting and not what I want to be doing full time. With them at nursery I feel like I'm a better parent because I miss them, and have the energy to focus on them and engage with them when we do spend time together.

So I'm going to challenge your assumption of finding child care lacking... is this because you don't have good options in your area? Or do you think it's better for kids to be with a parent? Because if it's making you this miserable, it certainly sounds like it would be worth trying something else! If you or your kid didn't enjoy it, you could always stop. But it sounds like you would benefit from having that time to focus on yourself, whether it's on exercise, mental well-being or your career.

Good luck - I know it's little comfort to hear it now when you're in the thick of it, but it will get easier.

Also agree that nursery is not a bad thing. My DS loves going. When I picked him up last week he said “more nursery soon”.

I work 4 days and so have 1 day per week where it’s just me and DS at home. It’s a nice balance for me, we go swimming and potter around.

Thanks for your replies. He goes to a local nursery which I think is fine, I visited loads when pregnant and settled on this one as none of them seemed brilliant (by my standards) and this one is very close to where we live so other local children etc. It came with great reviews from local people I know and all our neighbours. I think they are good but I think he gets more from doing a wider variety of things. With me part time we can go and visit places, we travel abroad fairly often, we go swimming, to activities etc. He won’t get those things if he’s at nursery 5 days and also by the ‘end’ of his nursery week which is weds lunchtime (he does 2.5 days) he is so so so tired. Like exhausted. He sleeps all of weds afternoon every week. Like he’s had a 3 week bender in Ibiza tired. I also think whilst they are kind etc, they aren’t as attentive as I am at home. When I visited nurseries they were all quite similar and I just honestly don’t think they can do the things I can do with him and I think it’s a hard environment for babies. Without wanting to upset anyone the babies I see there who are there 40 hours a week look exhausted to me and I hear them crying for their mums.. I can’t go back to work knowing that will be him. I enjoy the things we do together. I just feel like even that is a shit choice to have to make. I feel so aware of a lack of freedom or time now and like society disregards mums completely. It’s so depressing… for those mentioning PND maybe it’s possible but I also think it’s just the reality

gosh I would be ecstatic If he suddenly became more affectionate with me. He’s such a hard nut - he’s very interested in everything curious etc but has no time or patience for affection which has been so hard! As he’s morphing into a toddler I feel like my baby has gone and I didn’t even get a cuddle 😩

Some babies are less cuddly than others - it doesn't mean he doesn't love you OP.

Would it be an option for you to work 4 days a week, DH do the same and he goes to nursery 3 days? IME working 4 days a week means that you are treated the same as full time staff, whereas working 2.5 days doesn't (I've done both).

Yes it’s only unintelligent unsuccessful mothers that get on well with motherhood🙄

To the OP - I think there is a really tough time from about 12-18 months to about 2ish where they aren’t quite a baby but not quite a toddler either. Normally at about 2 they have a massive language explosion and on the whole become a lot more reasonable. Once your son nails walking it will make things easier too and open up more opportunities of things he’d enjoy.

Could you afford a nanny if you went back to work FT? They would be able to provide that one on one care and be able to
focus on clubs and activities that follow your child’s interests, which sounds important to you. You could then give yourself some breathing space to develop at work, where it sounds like you’d be happier. You could then reassess when your child is a bit older as once they are 3/4 and able to communicate about their day and appreciate playing with other children you may feel more comfortable sending them to a preschool/nursery where they could vocalise if they enjoyed it and begin to get them school ready.

It’s a tricky stage, stick on in there.

With me part time we can go and visit places, we travel abroad fairly often, we go swimming, to activities etc.

Some of the activities e.g. swimming aren't necessary at that age. They are more for you to do something with him rather than for him.

I actually choose a childminder at that age because she takes her mindees out everyday plus it is a smaller group. On the other 2 days my DP, her dad, looked after her.

In my rational mind I know it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me but in reality that’s how it feels! I also think that my mum wasn’t really around much when I was little and I remember missing her and even now I feel like it affected our relationship long term, I’m very conscious of that and I will do anything to avoid that. One time she was meant to pick me up from school (very rare) and she forgot and I was left outside school! So I do want to be present with baby but I also feel so conflicted that having a baby has really made my life worse and I feel like it will always be restricted now. DH earns a lot more so we don’t really want him to drop hours and I don’t think it would be really possible with his job. He does wfh 3 days a week so on those days he is here for bits of the day and steps in and does bed bath routine etc

@Reugny see I don’t agree with you there… he’s mega confident in water and that’s because I’ve taken him really regularly. I think that exposure to different environments is really beneficial to him even at a young age

@Belltentdreamer I had considered a nanny but I also think there’s more risk with only one person responsible.. at nursery he has several sets of eyes and also I do think the group of children is good for him as at home he’s on his own, there’s some children at nursery who we know from home too so I think as he grows that will be good for him too. I do think when he can talk (and walk!!!) it will be easier.. here’s hoping

I get what pp mean about women struggling with parenthood if you are ‘successful ’ at work - for want of better wording - things in a structured job are very different to the chaos of parenting! And before with lots of time to myself and zero income issues (no real need to share money out or even really discuss spending in any detail- no emotion attached to it either) I feel like my well organised, healthy, enjoyable life prior to this has gone and been replaced with a horrible new dynamic that has cost me so much

@babyproblems @summerlovingvibes
It's gets easier. Trust me. DD is three and a half and a delight to be around 99% of the time. I felt like you a lot and thought it was just me. Much easier now I no longer have to lug her round, she can't partly dress herself, have a decent conversation, feed herself etc. the first three years are the toughest.
Think there's also huge gender inequality when it comes to parenting which leads to the resentment. I also work part time condensed hours but seem to do most of life admin, cooking, cleaning etc. I've had big chats to DH as to how I don't want my daughter raised like this seeing this expectation of women so things are split more evenly but I WFH which means I inevitable do more which is fine to an extent. He's a teacher so on his holidays he takes more of the load when I'm working.

Thanks for all your messages, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one.
I’d cut my right arm off for him to walk over to me and give me a hug!!! It’s hard with not much given back although DH keeps saying oh he will one day.. then doesn’t ring his mum for 3 weeks ha

I found it mind numbingly boring so at 12 weeks I hired a nanny and went back to work on a Major Trauma Unit.

All I can suggest is you arrange some sort of child care and get back into shape physically. And I mean get in the gym and start sweating. Exercise is a good way to counter that “ fuck the world, I wanna get off” feeling. Combine that with a good diet and you’ll soon start to look good and feel stronger.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, plenty of women feel exactly as you do now. But as Chumbawamba famously said “ I get knocked down, but I get up again. You are never gonna keep me down “

Good luck 👍

I feel like I could have written this. My little boy is 13 months and has never been affectionate - as soon as he started moving he hasn’t been still since. He’s always been so full on, sensitive and quick to cry. He’s great out in public with other people but at home he mostly cries and it makes me think it’s because he hates me

I have no advice, just support and empathy. I keep telling myself it’s a phase but after 13 months it’s hard to believe it. Sending hugs and hope that it gets better x