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Sleep training - do I actually need to?

41 replies

JL642 · 18/04/2023 15:56

Getting sick of my social media advertising sleep training left right and centre, including other mums mentioning when they are starting sleep training.

Do I actually need to sleep train?!! I am up a lot at night, but I can manage - I feed to sleep it’s quite quick (I know it may not work for ever) - I’d rather continue to be baby led on the assumption my baby will sleep through the night when she is ready.

Or will my baby not sleep properly until I sleep train?!

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InDubiousBattle · 18/04/2023 16:00

Obviously you don't have to. No one will even know unless you tell them.
I did with one dc and it worked a treat, didn't need to with the other.

Coffeeandbourbons · 18/04/2023 16:01

How old is the baby? Do you drive? Something where there’s a safety compromise if you’re tired?

Mistressofnone · 18/04/2023 16:03

We haven't sleeped trained both our terrible sleepers. It's tough but they do get there on their own in the end and we don't regret it. Well our eldest got there and he is 5. Our 2½ year old is a work in progress but has started to go through the night every now and then and easy to resettle.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7Worfs · 18/04/2023 16:07

Don’t sleep train. You practice responsive parenting and you are managing fine, so no need to put yourself and your baby through this kind of stress.

Even bad sleepers learn to sleep well in their own time.

JL642 · 18/04/2023 16:15

It’s more social media that is giving me a headache with all the sleep training reels. It’s a minefield on there and so many accounts I don’t even know if they’re qualified to provide advice. Obviously some algorithms showing me these pages or maybe I need to stop clicking on them.

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Mmmmdanone · 18/04/2023 16:17

I only did it because I really had to. If you don't feel the need, leave it.

7Worfs · 18/04/2023 16:18

There’s no such thing as a sleep training degree or qualification, so to some extent they are all quacks. Some refer to research, but I would venture a guess the majority on social media are chancers who want to make money off very tired parents.
Flag the content as not relevant to you and hopefully it will stop.

Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 18/04/2023 16:18

Nah! Never did and never would. My DC sleep just fine and are healthy and happy and I happily fed them to sleep until we both wanted to stop.

JL642 · 18/04/2023 16:20

7Worfs · 18/04/2023 16:18

There’s no such thing as a sleep training degree or qualification, so to some extent they are all quacks. Some refer to research, but I would venture a guess the majority on social media are chancers who want to make money off very tired parents.
Flag the content as not relevant to you and hopefully it will stop.

Oh I didn’t know I could flag content like that! I will definitly do that!!! I think that will improve my sanity drastically!!

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Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 18/04/2023 16:21

Oh and yes there is definitely a cottage industry of experts to take your money when you’re tired and feeling unsure of yourself- I paid a fortune to a “breastfeeding consultant” who was money for old rope.

MoonSea · 18/04/2023 16:21

No of course you don't have to. Main thing is you are managing.

HVPRN · 18/04/2023 16:22

Haha stop clicking on them! I follow the opposite on Instagram. So many responsive parenting pages with like-minded people supporting one another :)

We can all parent in a way that suits our families. At the end of the day, we're all trying our best to do what is right in the moment, that causes the less stress and more family peace. So for some, this is sleep training, for others, we're not interested. It's all cool 😎

Personally, my first two co-slept and BF through the night however both began sleeping through around 3y. It didn't bother me. My third (currently BF as I write this) co sleeps and wakes in the night. When I return to work in September, I'll be glad of our catch up times in the night to make up for time slot together in the day.

Wnikat · 18/04/2023 16:22

Just don't click on them?

BertieBotts · 18/04/2023 16:25

No you definitely don't!

There is a whole scale from following the strict routines and stuff from birth right up to cosleeping until they ask to move out. You will find your comfortable niche somewhere. (And it really is a scale, it's not a binary, you don't have to pick one and stick to it.)

All children learn to sleep. Don't worry! (And if they don't, then they probably wouldn't have done it with sleep training anyway).

If you ever want to move things on a bit faster than they might otherwise, sleep training is one of the options. But that's all it is, just an option. I've never done it and probably never will.

DiscoBeat · 18/04/2023 16:27

We didn't do any sleep training with ours. We stayed with them till they went to sleep then settled them if they woke - popped them into bed with us when they weren't so tiny. Sometimes we were up late with them. But we never ever let them cry themselves to sleep, I hate the thought of that.

Makirocks23 · 18/04/2023 16:30

Ignore social media crap and do what keeps you sane.

I didn’t sleep train mine but introduced a routine when I was able (apart from feeding, both fed on demand)

Neither of them had a dummy or bottle and were often cuddled or fed to sleep.

they are now 6 and 8 without any sleep issues whatsoever and are very different personalities.

I was fine doing all of this but you need to find what is right for you, the baby would much prefer a relaxed happy mum than a stressed one.

JL642 · 18/04/2023 16:30

BertieBotts · 18/04/2023 16:25

No you definitely don't!

There is a whole scale from following the strict routines and stuff from birth right up to cosleeping until they ask to move out. You will find your comfortable niche somewhere. (And it really is a scale, it's not a binary, you don't have to pick one and stick to it.)

All children learn to sleep. Don't worry! (And if they don't, then they probably wouldn't have done it with sleep training anyway).

If you ever want to move things on a bit faster than they might otherwise, sleep training is one of the options. But that's all it is, just an option. I've never done it and probably never will.

Your comment about the scale is helpful and that every parent will find their position on the scale.

it’s the social media I swear making everything seem so black and white

@Wnikat agree 🤣 think I can’t help myself

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olderthanyouthink · 18/04/2023 16:30

Yes or else you child will be an insomniac. It's a well known fact that all insomniacs have their parents to blame for their inability to sleep due to their parents responding to their needs 7am-7pm

/s

There's not much money to be made be telling people it's natural and will be grown out of (or if not it's probably a neurodevelopmental condition like autism/ADHD). Sarah ockwell smith makes money doing this but she's put a fair bit more effort in to it than some one who m wants to make a quick buck WFH around the kids.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 18/04/2023 16:35

What the PP said - how old is the baby, and is the lack of sleep affecting you or him/her? If not, no. Fwiw (three kids in) I did find I reached a point where the baby started staying awake at points when they were very clearly tired and in need of sleep, and I used that as a reason to sleep train.

baddecisions11 · 18/04/2023 16:38

How is is your baby?

JL642 · 18/04/2023 16:40

My baby is only 6 months and I have another six months before I return to work (where obviously I may struggle at that point).

i also appreciate I only have one dc so I don’t need to split my time or tiredness beyond me, DH and DC.

Baby is happy and healthy. Naps well. Just likes her night feeds 🤣🤣🤣

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Marchintospring · 18/04/2023 16:44

I hate all the prescriptive parenting bollocks. Really it’s common sense about knowing what your baby needs. Sleep training is useful because it gives you downtime and routine. We all have a circadian rhythm and it merely helps to tap into a useful one early ( nursery, school, work all start before 9am).

You’ve spent 9 months lugging a live being around. It has learnt when you’re asleep and when you are awake, the times of day you are stressed and calm . If you are naturally a morning person then stick with that. If you’re an owl your baby will be familiar with being awake in the dark and getting sleep when it’s tired. They mostly all sleep at the beginning so it’s just handy to have routine they slot into. Since we are mostly on maternity leave in the U.K. routine gets lost and we all moan about not sleeping.

BridieConvert · 18/04/2023 16:46

Of course you don't have to. I never sleep trained my now 3yo (we did stick to a bedtime/sleep routine but never officially sleep trained) and she sleeps all night no issue (now - had a spell of frequent wakings around 18 months - 2 years).
Not sleep training 7mo either, she's currently waking once or twice a night but I can tolerate that just now!

StopGrowingPlease · 18/04/2023 17:00

No, definitely not. We’re 19 (almost 20) months in of co-sleeping, breastfeeding and cuddling to sleep 🥰

BertieBotts · 18/04/2023 17:18

I like Lyndsey Hookway if you want a counter to this kind of thing :)

But in general, I would caution against consuming/seeking out too much parenting content on social media in general. I find that the short form nature of it tends to mean that a lot of it is overexaggerated, a small part of the story, or straight up false, because there isn't enough space/time for nuance or reference to sources, but because you're seeing the same thing over and over again there's a psychological phenomenon which makes you assume it into your general knowledge and then it gets treated like any other information that you "know", without you necessarily realising that it's come from a less robust source than, say, something you learned from a book or a course or a teacher or life experience or had looked up the official recommendation etc.

Also, the algorithms favour polarising content, so you'll tend to be bombarded with very one-sided viewpoints, often with criticism for the other side, often with fear bundled into it. So the sleep training type accounts will have loads of threatening warnings about "bad sleep habits" / you'll never sleep again or even claims that whatever you're doing is harming your child's development or increasing their risk of SIDS. And a lot of the anti-sleep training accounts will equate controlled crying with abuse or neglect, or speak about brain damage or trauma, or breaking your child's attachment if you ever let them cry, and in reality neither of these positions are true, but constantly consuming content that seeks to provoke anxiety really can make you anxious and worried about getting things wrong, and that's really unhelpful.

Lastly, even if you are really careful about which accounts you follow, I still think it can end up very overwhelming and not as helpful as you would assume. I thought I'd try and clean up my instagram and make it more useful so I followed a load of people that I think put out useful/good content, but actually even with this I find scrolling it is quite stressful, I think because I'm being bombarded by 25 different pieces of micro advice and it's just too much to process all at once. And when I've finished, I'm not left chewing over whatever I've learned, I've just instantly forgotten it all because it is too much random unrelated information.

So I think I'm going to go back to the balance that I have on facebook, which is much more manageable - a few RL friends and groups with RL people, some harmless fun/entertaining groups that are neither inspirational (guilt/envy inducing) or educational (stressful) and just a handful of learning type accounts on topics I'm interested in that I just don't have time to look for long form content or that person doesn't produce it but I like them anyway.

For parenting advice or anything else I do want to learn about, I will use instagram to quickly get an idea of someone's content, and then I'll look to see if they have a podcast or any books or a youtube account (with longer videos). I find that it's more effective to learn stuff this way, because in the same 10 minute period, rather than being fed 25 randomly unconnected facts, I can learn more of an in depth understanding of one topic, that's more interesting, more useful, it's more likely to be well informed and it will stick with me over the next day or so, so I can think about it, process it, maybe discuss it with somebody or try it out.

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