High needs baby, postnatal anxiety and breastfeeding

[TolkienLover]

Brace yourself, it's a long one. Kudos if you reach the end. Please be gebtle. I just need to let this out somewhere and if anyone's been through similar, I would really appreciate any advice or hope.

DD1 (now almost 3) was born during covid. My anxiety was already sky high and I lost a loved one during that pregnancy. Breastfeeding was a car crash but DD didn't want to stop. Also had undiagnosed CMPA and horrendous reflux. All in all, it was the perfect recipe for PND/PNA. I came out of the depression ok but the anxiety stayed with me. Every tiny thing that DD1 did, I'd Google and my mind would create all sorts of scenarios and diagnoses. DD1 by temperament was also a high needs baby. Hated the carseat, hated the pram, hated the baby carrier. Just hated being a baby! She met most of her milestones quite early (especially speech). Her sleep was atrocious until about 14 months. I had a really tough time but she is so much easier now- bright, active, curious. Intense but so much fun to be around. And she sleeps 12 hours a night!!!

I had DD2 almost 6 months ago and I feel like I've given birth to the same child again. Foolishly I thought DD2 would be so much easier but I have been so wrong. High needs baby...again. my anxiety is SKY HIGH. I wake up filled with dread for what the day will bring, my heart is racing, sometimes I feel on the verge of a panic attack. Breastfeeding has been tough but actually has worked out much better than last time around. But I am still scarred from the last time and so every other day will doubt whether DD2 is getting enough (despite her weight chart showing that she is!). I can't help the worrying. DD2's sleep has gone to shit since the regression so I am on survival mode.

Today I finally mustered the courage to take both kids out without DH (been amazing through all the above). I told a close friend about my anxiety and she was really kind about it. We met up in the park with the kids. DD2 screamed the entire time despite being fed, changed and burped. DD1 used to be like this. I remember most outings being an utter waste of time because she was always miserable or bored quickly, or both. I stayed home a lot with DD1 because of this, and it obviously wasn't great for my mental health. But with 2 kids at home, I feel I will genuinely lose my mind if I stay home any longer. I've made a resolution to try and take them both out myself at least every other day (especially for DD1's sake, she loves being outdoors!) but DD2's screaming puts me off so much.

I've reflected a lot in the last few weeks and I know I need therapy. I'm counting down until DD2 (bottle refuser) is established enough on solids so I can leave her for a couple of hours and book a few sessions for myself. But I also wonder if my kids seem "high needs" to me because they are feeding off my anxiety. I watch old videos of DD1 as a baby and I don't remember the cuteness and squeals or enjoying them. Just the worry about her next moment of discontent or screaming episode. I feel like I missed out on her whole babyhood because of my anxiety. And I don't want to repeat the same with DD2 or going forward with either of them. I also read that hormones like cortisol get passed on through breastmilk! Lord knows my cortisol levels are HIGH all the time. Mornings are worst.

Can anyone relate to this? I don't really know what I'm asking specifically.

I agree you need therapy. I also think they both seem high needs to you not necessarily because they are, but because you've got into this space and it's just become your truth if you like. They will feed off your mood for sure, but not through your milk, through your facial expression, body language and tone.

I'm sorry you're going through this and hope the local perinatal mental health team to you will accept a referral from you health visitor. They do here up to two years PP and your youngest is well within that.

Hi OP

I think it sounds like you have a high needs baby, and anxiety, and having a high needs baby is making that anxiety worse, very understandably. None of that is your fault or caused by you. You must not tell yourself stories about things like cortisol in milk!!

You could speak to your GP; maybe something like sertraline might help with the anxiety. But if your question is “have I caused this situation?” the answer is definitely no, and yes, many many people will be able to relate, at least to some of it. My baby was very undemanding - in fact he cried so little that I vividly remember the ONE day of my maternity leave where he wouldn’t stop crying and I was absolutely beside myself. But I was also filled with anxiety for about a year after his birth and there’s much about the day to day of his babyhood that I don’t remember; it’s an extremely stressful and strange time and I think the mind purposefully blocks a lot of it out. You mustn’t beat yourself up for not being able to relish in it more. It’s REALLY difficult. But you know from
your first daughter that it will pass, and it’s only a tiny snapshot of their childhood.

Sending you lots of good thoughts.

Can totally relate to this OP, and you have my utmost sympathies as I remember well what a challenging time it was. My biggest advice alongside therapy is to go on sertraline - best decision I have ever made as a parent and my only regret is I didnt go on it with my first baby. It is no exaggeration to say it transformed my life. My babies were still high needs, but the freedom from all that anxiety and worry and panic made all the difference. Happy for you to pm me any time x

Sympathy, @TolkienLover. I can relate to the DC1 part of your story, but haven’t yet braved DC2! So I don’t really have much advice, except to say that you’re already 6 months in, and you KNOW from DD1 that it’s going to get easier. Maybe in just another few months! You will get there.

Huge well done for yesterday! Every time you try a new thing (eg taking both kids out) you are speaking back to that fear and showing yourself you can do it, you all survived, and next time it’ll be a little bit easier, and so on.

Def try perinatal mental health support, and if you don’t feel you can get to therapy for an hour (though your baby WILL be ok, if you can) look up some CBT techniques. It helped me to think explicitly ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ and the answer was usually something like ‘baby cries and cries and I get a taxi home’ and I figured actually I could deal with that.

Also, don’t underestimate how much sleep deprivation and disturbance (and I include sleeping lightly when on ‘duty’) affects your mood and cognitive abilities. Prioritise sleep over anything and everything else. Go to bed when the kids do. Tell DH how you’re feeling (if you haven’t already) and take all the morning lie-ins you can get. You might be surprised, DH doing a nightshift or two could reset your expectations of what baby actually needs in terms of breast milk over night. Or maybe not, but just being off duty for a few hours is huge!

Basically, your nervous system is in a heightened state because you are a mammal and you have to protect your cubs from lions. You (and your partner) need to do everything you can to show it there aren’t any lions around!

Thank you all for your kind replies. I'm relieved that some of you can relate and I'm not an isolated case.

Despite yesterday's outing feeling like a complete waste of time, I woke up today feeling more positive than I have in months and the majority of the day was positive. DD2 is teething so her relentless fussing and crying eventually got to me and the anxious thoughts returned but overall I'd say it was a good day compared to the usual. Perhaps because I was barely home yesterday (DH insisted we go out for a walk again after he had finished work) and so I didn't have time to ruminate over things.

Thank you for all your suggestions and reassurances. It all makes sense- I guess when the anxiety kicks in all rational thought just vanishes!

I had a bit of a rubbish experience with my local perinatal MH team after DD1 so am inclined to explore therapy privately this time. I've contacted a therapist for a discovery call and hopefully can arrange something regular in a couple of months.

And yes- I have noticed my anxiety is much worse when I haven't slept! Hence the cosleeping :)