How to deal with toddler tantrums?

[elephantjuicey]

FTM here.

22mo DD is generally a very happy toddler but I'm definitely seeing the start of the terrible 2s! She's very strong willed and, if I'm honest, I'm struggling to keep boundaries in place. I tend to give in to her which I know is not helping.

Tonight we got home from nursery and it was one battle after another. She didn't want to get out of the car, then she didn't want to go in the house. When we did get in, she started inconsolably crying and lying on the floor. She kicked or lashed out if I got too close. It can really hurt when she does this. Eventually she let me pick her up and take her upstairs. I assumed she was overtired and didn't think I'd get her in the bath so we skipped that (not sure if that was the right thing to do). Managed to have a cuddle and get pjs on, then had a cuddle with some telly. She is now in bed.

I just don't really know how to handle the tantrum. I try getting down to her level, quietly talking, moving out of harms way if she's lashing out. I basically just try to wait it out, but I don't know if that's right and I'm dreading it happening in public.

How should I be handling it for the best? Thanks!

My 22.5mo DS is exactly the same, and has been for a while but it has really intensified the past week. So I'm posting with hope of some ideas etc.
He has the most tremendous tantrums and when we woke up this morning he was fine until we went to go down the stairs, I managed to get him to
come down by saying "I have an idea.. shall we count each step as we go down and see how many there are?! 😁" he loved it! But then when i went to warm his milk up (which is same routine every morning) he started tantrumming asking for his milky, so I said "okay have it now, but it will be cold" put it towards him... nope he didn't want to take it, i took it away to put in jug.. screaming, so I tried to pass him it again.. meltdown! 😱😱
He seems to ask for something so when I go to give him this or whatever he's asking for, he doesn't want it , he wants something else so I offer that, he doesn't want it, he wants the first thing... and this keeeeps going in a circle🤦🏼‍♀️
We met up with my mum today and was going to get fish and chips for dinner, he started an almighty tantrum after he had spotted toys outside a nearby shop, he loved looking at them but had a meltdown when trying to move away to get some dinner... it was embarrassing but I just picked him up and walked down abit, in the chippy he was screaming and trying to escape "carrrr" "carrr", people coming in and out of the doorway, so I just picked him up and walked him all the way to the car and I said "no if your going to not behave then we will go home"... mum waited for food and come back to the car...
If he's not even 2 yet... 😱😱🥺

I'm not an expert or anything but have been through this and read a lot of stuff about it. I also work with excluded teenagers who can be similar (!). I have found that validating her feeling really helps. And doing do neutrally , calmly and sympathetically. The most helpful thing I learnt was to literally notice their feelings and start your sentences with "you want..."

Eg screaming when time to get out of car. "You want to stay in the car. That's understandable. The car is cosy / warm / fun. It's time to go inside now"

Or

"You want to play with that vase/glass/small object. I know, I understand. It's a very nice object. Mummy can't let you play with it because it's not safe and I'm worried you'll get hurt."

I would not leave her crying it out by herself - that's my preference. Tantrums are simply overwhelm because the child can't process emotions by themselves yet, so we the adults need to be there to help them process.

"You want that toy. You feel angry that someone else has that toy. It is a nice toy". Sometimes that is enough.

Remaining alongside if you can, acknowledging their feelings but not actually trying to really talk to them is always good. As long as they are safe and not likely to hurt themselves then let them crack on.
If you can manage a wholesale distraction, oh look there's a strange bird, something totally random that occasionally works.
You did the right thing skipping bath time sometimes it's just easier to roll with they day as it has happened and not worry about bits of the routine.
The public meltdowns will happen and 99% of the parents passing by will sympathise. The rugby ball carry is useful when you have to extract them from a park, cafe, shop and they refuse to go. Try and keep calm, be consistent. Do not reward a tantrum. Make it clear if you're going somewhere likely to cause issues ie the shops that there won't be any toys/sweets bought today. Set the scene before you go and do not waiver! You will get through it I promise.

I was definitely a leave her to cry it out mum. Initially try to distract "ohh look, cows!" Or do the "I know you are sad but you can't eat the cat food, it's for the cat, let's go find xyz" and if it's a full force tantrum, I'd go for "I know you are sad, so I'm going to do (whatever) and you can come with me when you are ready" . And I'd just step over her and leave her to it, even if we were in the middle of Tesco. You can't have a discussion with a child who is super cross and they need the calm response, reduced language and a cuddle when they are done.

I find Janet Lansbury really helpful for this stuff (you can follow her on FB etc), though maybe that's because my natural style aligns quite closely with her approach anyway. I'm still feeling my way through it and finding what works for both of us, but generally try to acknowledge and empathise with her feelings while also holding firm to my boundaries. I choose the boundaries carefully though and try to say "no" as little as possible - which is not to say I let her do whatever she wants, but I try where possible to present a no as a yes iyswim. E.g. if she wants to bring a stone into the house (one of my boundaries) I'll tell her she can put it in a special pot by the door. Being aware of times when tantrums are likely to occur and taking steps to avoid them is really important too and it sounds like you are doing that OP. Prevention is better than cure and all that. I find that explaining to my DD what is going to happen and when helps, especially giving a few minutes warning before a transition I know might be difficult for her. Different things will work for different people / children though!

Validating feelings, trying to offer alternatives, consistent boundaries, closed choice technique (giving choices but both appropriate ones that achieve the same result...eg: they need a coat but they can choose their red one or their blue one) and definitely picking your battles as much as possible.Also my dd (17mths) responds well to singing and little games like peek a boo to help her comply with necessary things like getting in the carseat

I find distractions to be much more useful for young toddlers and giving them an element of control.
If they get worked up when you’re trying to take then out of the car it’s something like ‘shall we run off the path and knock on the door?!’
Mine resists her cost and shoes coming off immediately, I could force it, she would get worked up, I would be stressed and we would both be miserable so what does that achieve. I simply give her a minute or two to acclimatise on her own and then ask shall we take our coats off and she’s much more receptive.
The more it feels like you’re creating arbitrary rules and boundaries that they don’t understand the more they will push back.

Also when her tantrum is born out of tiredness and is generally just unreasonable and there’s nothing you can actually do to ‘fix’ it I just let her cry for a minute or two, then I get down and I ask does she want a hug and she says yes and comes over. Then she calms down.
It’s letting them come around in their own time which again gives them an element of control.

Feel for you op going through it too.
I usually ask mine things like
' are you crying because you are upset or are angry/tired and then whatever the response I then ask 'why' and then whatever the answer ' I agree with them. Then I try and divert by saying something like ' what do you think would make to feel better' and if it's reasonable like a cuddle or some food or a quick game of something I say yes if it's something like they want to go to the park I say' oh me to but it's closed we can go when it opens another day, let's go have a cuddle and a play inside' or something to that effect

Long winded but seems to shut the tantrum down immediately

I ignored them as long as they happened somewhere safe. Obviously you can't quite do that if it happens in the middle of the road or somewhere, but otherwise I paid them little to no attention.

I came here to recommend Janet Lansbury but @3ormorecharacters beat me to it! She has a really helpful (IMO) podcast called "Unruffled" that deals with exactly this sort of thing. I do follow her on SM too but I particularly find her delivery of her podcast really calming and reassuring to listen to for some reason.
WRT tantrums in public, DS is 3.5 so we've been through plenty of those. It is excruciatingly embarrassing but I find it helpful to get down on his level, lock eyes with him, keep my voice calm and remind myself that it'll be over sooner the less I try and fight it. You almost have to lean into it and just think "OK, this is happening now, and that's fine. I can deal with that." The minute I start looking around at other people or thinking "Oh God, please make it stop. Everyone thinks I'm a terrible mother. I have to look like I'm in control" I get all anxious and panicky, start shouting back at him and it all escalates and lasts foreverrrrr.
Empathise with her feelings, move her to a safe / more private space if you need to, remind yourself that it's a normal and necessary part of toddler development, figuring out the expression of your own will. And take lots of snacks, drinks and toys to try and head the tantrum off before it starts!

It will happen in public eventually, just stay calm and focus on your toddler, ignore everyone else! Currently int he throes of the terrible 2's here, and been through it before. It will pass!

I remember my eldest started having tantrums when we got home from a morning playgroup just before lunch. I found that a small snack on the way home helped until we could eat properly.

I am not saying that anyone should offer snacks to ward off every tantrum, I just twigged that he was hangry.

Also, not giving too many choices if the something isn't acceptable at that time. eg. 'Here's your cheese sandwich, you can have it on the red plate or the blue plate.' Not, 'If you don't want the sandwich do you want pasta or soup or some fish fingers?' I think they can get overwhelmed if there are too many choices.

If we're not in a rush to go somewhere I just sit on the floor next to my son (2.5) and let him cry and thrash or whatever until he's burnt himself out. Then we have a cuddle and a chat about what happened. He decided to throw a tantrum just outside a Boots in Gatwick airport once 😂

If we have to go somewhere in a hurry then unfortunately I just have to power through it. This morning that involved pinning him down to put his trousers on and his dad carrying him to the car with no shoes on. All because his toast was cut wrong (dad didn't realise he wanted soldiers not squares until it was too late!) 😂

I'm a big fan of the 'why am I saying no?' concept where you can sometimes circumvent a tantrum by asking yourself if your request is worth fighting for. For example, it wasn't raining yesterday so my son should have been in his shoes and not his welly boots but he REALLY wanted to wear the welly boots. There was actually no real issue with him wearing the boots other than me being fussy about how the outfit looks so I let him wear the wellies. Definitely take the easy wins where you can.

You've got this! :)

We went through a phase of having big meltdowns after nursery. Fortunately it was a phase that didn't last too long. I would always at least offer dinner and bath, but if it wasn't happening we would sit and cuddle on the sofa with cartoons on. Path of least resistance. I wouldn't let her eat dinner or snack excessively on the sofa, but if she missed dinner I'd give her some fruit and a biscuit so at least she'd eaten something. I think it was overwhelm / tiredness / hunger after a long day. Now she's a bit older she's much better.

The good news is that it will improve though sometimes reappear from time to time. Sometimes 3 yr olds are worse as they are talking as well as screaming!!
Just take a deep breath, ignore anyone around you if out. Try & ignore the tantrum as best as possible or distract. Easier said than done.
Only one of our DC used to throw himself about at every opportunity, not all toddlers have tantrums.